Jiraiya-Sensei
by Chuckling-Ghost
Summary: What do you do when you wake up in the body of your favorite Naruto character with all their memories? Start fixing their mistakes anyway you can. When that person you've become is Jiraiya of the Sannin, there's a lot to fix. Then comes that awful moment when you realize you've been written into a fic with an author determined to mess with you...
1. Chapter 1

I sat up. I looked around. I had the very odd sensation of simultaneously having no clue where I was, and at the same time knowing not only _everything_ about where I was, but everything about the world in which that somewhere was located. In short, I was sitting on a roof looking at Hokage Mountain. I don't know why everything still looks like it does in the anime, and it was very _very_ disorienting at first. I looked at my hands, and that was very weird. I looked at the rest of me, and that was weird too.

I twiddled my thumbs, and that was kinda weird too. I examined the long white stuff obscuring either side of my face which was also weird, especially when I tugged on it and found out it was my hair. A thought occurred to me and I took off my vest thing and saw that it was red. I put it back on and looked at my shoes, which were high heeled wooden sandals. I ran a hand over my face and decided that that was _definitely_ not my nose. I pulled the long white hair behind me around to the front and wagged it slightly before dropping it and running my hand through the spiky white hair all over my head.

I sighed as I looked at the very large scroll riding on the small of my back. I looked at Hokage Mountain and sighed again. There was no doubt about it. I had just woken up in the body of Jiraiya of the Sannin, with all his memories. I closed my eyes and sorted through his memories and after a long spat of reminiscing with memories that weren't mine I looked up at the clouds and thought, _No wonder Tsunade turned him down so consistently…What an IDIOT…_

I tried to stand up and managed to break the sandals almost immediately. I immediately discarded them both in favor of going barefoot. That first chakra jump was, to put it lightly, exhilarating. I bounded across the rooftops of Konoha, giving into the urge to laugh like a child as I went. _Super_ jumping from the top of Hokage Tower to the top of Hokage Mountain was a thrill like no other.

I landed on Lord Third(Sensei?)'s head and immediately paused as I heard laughter. I poked my head over the ridge and saw Naruto swinging around on ropes painting the monument. I sat back up and thought about everything I/Jiraiya knew about Minato and Naruto, and one thing rapidly became clear to me: In this world, Naruto really _was_ just some random orphan. No significant lineage, certainly not Minato's son. I looked over the ledge at him again, he was still the Nine-Tails, but that was just bad luck on his part. The only orphaned baby new enough during the attack for the sealing to take. A stroke of unbelievable luck on the village's part. They didn't mob and chase him this world, it was more ostracism and subtle stuff than that. Still though…

I sighed, "Why do I have to be such a nice guy?" I exhaled and walked over and down the side of the mountain, Jiraiya's confidence in his skills bleeding over to keep me from freaking out about it. I walked over to Naruto, "There's an easier way to do that you know." It was a good thing Naruto had tied himself off or he would've fallen as he yelped in surprise. It also made reaching out and grabbing him much easier. I hauled him up the mountain to the top, pulled his line loose and dragged him off, kickin' and yowlin' the whole way.

I used his own line to hang him from a tree. Then I sat there and tried to decide what to do with him. He finally quieted down and sulked at me. Finally I asked, "Kid, shouldn't you be in school right now?" Naruto looked surprised and then looked away pouting. I pondered him for a few moments, "Isn't the Graduation Exam tomorrow?" Naruto looked surprised, "How do you know about that?!" I stood up, "Naruto do you have any idea who I am?"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?!" I sighed, "That's not important. I'm guessing you haven't got a clue who I am?" Naruto shook his head. I raised an eyebrow at him, "My name is Jiraiya. I'm the guy who taught the Fourth Hokage, probably the second most powerful shinobi in Hidden Leaf right now." _That_ got his attention. I grinned at the attentive look in his eyes, "Got your attention now?"

Naruto nodded, "Can you teach me how to be Hokage?" I laughed, laughed harder and then laughed some more. Naruto was glaring at me when I straightened up, "Kid, you don't _want_ that position. I tried to warn the Fourth about it but he didn't listen. He was dead in five years." Naruto paled slightly and I grinned at him, "Let me ask you, why do you _think_ you want to be Hokage?" "So that everyone will look up to me," Naruto replied.

"Well they're certainly not going to look up to someone who cuts class and pulls pranks all the time," I pointed out, "They might laugh if you're funny, but quite frankly kid, you're not. Even if you were, being funny can only go so far, even towards making you liked. The minute you start making jokes about people who don't take it well, or cross a line you shouldn't have with your humor, all that good will can disappear in an instant. What you want is to be a hero, and not all heroes are Hokages. Much the same way not all Kages are heroes, which reminds me I gotta get hold of Gaara before _that_ happens…see if I can talk some sense into him…better run down Konan and Nagato too…"

Naruto blinked at me, "Who are Gaara and Konan and Nagato?" "Just some old friends," I replied, "Nothing for you to worry about. Anyway, back to the topic at hand, you're never going to be anything if you don't get your act together. I know school's boring as hell, but the more you skip the longer you'll be stuck in school." Naruto paled slightly at the thought and I grinned, "So how about I help you out with your jutsu, and you graduate the Academy tomorrow instead of failing for the third time in a row?"

Naruto nodded tentatively and I grinned, " _Good!_ Now then, first off, Substitution." I pulled out a kunai and buried it point first in the ground, "Imagine yourself where this kunai is. Just picture yourself out of that rope and down here on the ground." Naruto blinked, closed his eyes, and substituted. His eyes popped open in shock and he fell on his butt looking at me in awe.

I grinned, "See? Told you I'm good. Now then, I hear you're having trouble with Clone jutsu?" Naruto's eyes widened and I grinned, "Get up and do a little dance, and imagine four more of yourself dancing with you." Naruto closed his eyes and started doing a dance that was silly even by his standards. Then sure enough, just like I had known would happen, four hazy copies of himself started phasing into existence. A few seconds later they were good firm images of him mimicking his movements.

Naruto must have felt it, because he opened his eyes and looked when they were formed properly. They stared right back at him. "I did it…" he whispered in shock. I grinned, "There's a reason it's a _basic_ jutsu. Anyone with access to their chakra and the brain power of a flea can do it. All you needed was a little proper instruction. Let me guess, Iruka and the other teachers told you to 'feel your chakra and will it into the shape of yourself' or some other such nonsense?"

Naruto nodded, "Yeah! Just like that! Why couldn't they have said it like you did?!" "Clearly they're not me," I replied, "Now then, the other basic jutsu is Transformation. I trust you know that one?" Naruto sweated slightly, "Well, I only have one form with it, I call it my Sexy Jutsu…" I nodded, "Well then let's see it!" Naruto blinked, I guess that wasn't the reaction he was used to. Then he made his hand sign and transformed in a blast of smoke.

A moment later a very cute, very well endowed female version of Naruto was standing there looking at me nervously. I looked carefully as the smoke cleared, "Hey kid, I'm gonna try something, I need you to not freak out, okay? I think you did something beyond regular transformation jutsu, but I gotta take a feel to see if I'm right." Naruto blushed and I had to work very hard to keep my thoughts clean as I reached out and gently grabbed Naruto's right tit.

I snatched my hand back almost immediately as I realized that it was in fact flesh and not illusion, my eyes bugging out, "Holy crap you actually did it!" Naruto blinked, "Did what? Isn't this what everyone does?" I shook my head, "No, that jutsu is poorly named. It should be called "Disguise" jutsu because it's not supposed to change the actual properties of the person or thing. What you just did is an actual transformation. I'd need a med-nin to check and make sure, but you may very well actually be an actual girl right now." Naruto stared at me, "So…I haven't been doing it right?"

I looked at him, "Kid that's Jonin stuff you're doing right now. If your instructors knew you could do what you're actually doing right now, I think they'd have to pass you." Naruto stared at me and I sighed, "Put some clothes on, we're going to talk to the Hokage."

==Ten Minutes Later==

I rapped on the Hokage's window. He came and opened it when he saw who it was, "Jiraiya! I didn't realize you were back in the village." I nodded sagely, "Weeell I just got here. Took a nap, took a funny turn and decided I want back on the list of Jonin Instructors. I've got a kid I want to teach. I don't care who the other two are, but I'm teaching Naruto Uzumaki."

Sarutobi-sensei blinked at me and I wondered when I had started thinking of him as Sarutobi-sensei as he asked, "And what brought this on?" I shrugged, "Had one of those life changing epiphanies you hear about in books." "And what epiphany was that?" Sensei asked. "That I've been an _idiot_ ," I replied.

Sensei looked stunned, so I explained, "Number one, those kids from Hidden Rain I taught at the end of third world war, Nagato Yahiko and Konan, what the hell was I thinking leaving them there for Hanzo to find out about and target?! I should've had Tsunade and Orochimaru help me bonk all three of them over the heads and dragged them back with us! Next let's think about how I've been acting around Tsunade. Have you ever seen a guy succeed with a woman that way? _I_ haven't! Then let's talk about the peace I've been striving for. What was I smoking when I came up with that? We're shinobi, we _thrive_ in war, it's _what we do_. If I succeed in creating peace, there'll be no need for shinobi, the shinobi who are left will have nothing to do and the economy of the Hidden Villages would crash as we were reduced to policemen at best."

Sensei was looking at me more than a little worriedly, "You're starting to sound like Danzo." I snorted, "Don't insult me sensei, we both know I could never condone what he does. War and subterfuge though are a necessity for shinobi to continue to exist, so I'm not going to try to act like we could continue without it. I'm also going to track down Orochimaru and kill him, then if I haven't done it by then I'm going after Tsunade and she's bringing her happy little ass back here to either get it in gear or retire officially if I have to drag her by the feet. She's been in mourning long enough, and there've been a lot more people than her who've lost brothers and fiances. They didn't take nearly this long to recover and it's quite frankly embarrassing that she is. She's supposed to be the best kunoichi we've ever turned out, and _this_ is the example she's setting?"

Sarutobi-sensei looked troubled, but I wasn't done yet, "For that matter, what kind of example have the Sannin been setting as a whole? The team genius went crazy and rogue in pursuit of power leaving two of his students dead and one with abandonment issues, the kunoichi of the team lost her boyfriend and little brother in the line of duty and took off for thirty years, and then there's _me_ , the guy who hardly ever takes missions or students and is officially retired to travel around peeping at hot springs like a lonely pervert whose only significant accomplishments are teaching the guy who didn't listen, became Fourth Hokage and died within five years, and writing a mountain of smut that I'm sure makes all the ladies think even less of me. I'm _embarrassed_ sensei, _deeply_ embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself and my team! I'm setting things right, starting _today_."

I could tell I was making Sarutobi-sensei very uncomfortable, so I grabbed Naruto, who was still in female form but had transformed his (her?) clothes back on and hoisted him (her?) up front and center by the collar, "So first thing's first, Naruto here has mastered _physical_ transformation instead of that illusory disguise crap they teach at the Academy, and he did the two jutsu he's been having trouble with for years in less than a minute when I gave him properly blunt instruction instead of that hocus-pocus spiritual tutorial nonsense they've been giving him at the Academy. The kid's got a lot of potential and I'm not letting him waste it. Hence, I want back on the roster for potential Jonin Instructors, and I want Naruto on my team after he passes the graduation exam tomorrow."

Sarutobi-sensei looked like he had just had just seen a mathematical proof that "up" was in fact neither "up" _nor_ "down", but "slightly more forward than left with a half squiggle twist so that it's pointing to the right". He weakly gave me a thumbs up and an "Ok…" before going back to his desk and hunting the paper work to get me back on the roster.

I stuck around with Naruto until Sarutobi-sensei found the paper work in question. I filled it out, wrote "Naruto Uzumaki" and "Don't care-Don't care" under "List three potential students who you would like to teach", signed it and handed it back with a smile. Sarutobi-sensei told me that there'd be a meeting for the potential instructors that evening at seven. "I'll be there," I replied as I smiled and stepped out the window with Naruto right behind me, "See ya around sensei!"

As Naruto and I bounced across the rooftops, Naruto asked, "So should I call you Jiraiya-sensei now?" "Yep!" I called over my shoulder. "Where are we going Jiraiya-sensei?" "Back to the Academy, I'm gonna interrupt your teacher and give a little lecture of my own. Maybe a test, don't worry you'll pass." Naruto was quiet for a moment and then, "Ok, but it's not gonna be a math test is it?" I laughed, "No way kid, I hate math!"

==Fifteen Minutes Later==

I knocked on the door to the class room. It was opened by a chunin with brown hair and a nose scar. Iruka was clearly more up to date on who was who in Konoha because his eyes bugged out when he recognized me. I grinned, "Hey there, Iruka right? I hope you don't mind, I was just giving Naruto here a little pre-finals tutoring. Would you mind if I borrowed your class for a little lecture? I understand a lot of them will be genin-hopefuls tomorrow?" Iruka nodded hastily, "Of course Lord Jiraiya! Um class, special surprise guest lecturer! Please give a warm welcome to Jiraiya of the Sannin!"

I laid a hand on Iruka's shoulder as I stepped into the room and sent Naruto up to his seat, "Call me "the Toad Sage", we were named "the Sannin" for a fight we barely managed a draw in. I'm actually proud of being the Toad Sage." Iruka blinked in surprise, "Uh, of course sir!"

I walked in and over to the chalk board, quickly grabbing a piece of chalk. I wrote, "Jiraiya-Sensei's Ninja Glossary For New Genin" on the board in big letters. The first thing I wrote on the board was "Shinobi", I turned to the class and pointed at it, "Alright class, who can tell me what this word means?"

A girl with pink hair who I could only guess to be, "Sakura Haruno, your answer?" Sakura and everyone else looked surprised that I knew her name. She answered politely, "A shinobi is someone who protects their village right?" I smiled, "Nope! Nice try, but that's a policeman you're thinking of. Anyone else?" The class looked dumbfounded so I sighed.

"Ok, let's try it from a different angle, what do shinobi _do?_ " "Guard the village?" Sakura asked plaintively, clearly very unhappy to have gotten a question wrong. I waved my chalk at her, "Very good!" I turned and wrote it on the board, "Shinobi protect their village!" I whirled back to the class, "And who can tell me how that's done?"

There was a classroom full of blank faces staring at me. I sighed, "Can anyone tell me what the village needs protecting from?" "Missing-nin," a broody looking black haired boy who could only be Sasuke Uchiha said after a few minutes. "Very good! We have to be protected from missing-nin, shinobi who have gone rogue and would sell our secrets and kill their former allies! Take Itachi Uchiha for example, he bumped off his entire clan for power and then took off to who knows where! Who can tell me how he should be dealt with?"

"KILL. HIM." Sasuke growled. I pointed at him, "VERY GOOD! We _kill_ the traitor! We do it to avenge those he killed, we do it to protect our secrets and our loved ones, we do it so that he can't kill us first, there are any number of reasons to kill a missing-nin, but the point is, we kill them. We kill them just as dead as we can, and if we can do it without risking their escape, say in a well-organized public execution, we make it hurt." A lot of the class looked uncomfortable and Sasuke was looking at me with a fair deal of respect in his eyes.

I gestured for questions, "Now then, who can tell me what else the village needs to be protected from?" "Other villages?" Kiba Inuzuka asked. I grinned at him, "Right! Other villages of people just like us who don't like us because they're paid to not like us! To consider us "them" or "the enemy", but really they're just people like us. We could get along with them, if we really wanted to, but we've been going at it for so long and spilled so much of the others' blood, that it's become something of a pipedream. We could try to convince everyone to forget about the brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, moms, dads, friends and children killed by the other side, and we could try to forgive and forget all the horrible things they've done, but let me ask you all, if someone were to kill your whole family, perhaps even right in front of you, would you ever forgive them?"

There were a lot of shocked expressions and Sasuke growled out a "Hell no." I nodded, "Exactly, but here's the thing, just as the shinobi of other villages have done many horrible things to us, so too have we done horrible things to them. The fact that Hidden Leaf has come out on top in not one, not two, but _three_ world wars means that our village has sown perhaps the most destruction and death of any of the villages. So, knowing that, how do we treat other shinobi in peace time?"

Nobody had an answer for that, so I provided one, "With _respect_. Remember, you never know someone's history especially as a shinobi. For all you know that grouchy jerk next to you could have been the kid whose entire family was killed right in front of him." Sasuke twitched and several people looked at him.

I went on, "The pretty blonde on the next barstool over might've lost her fiancé and little brother and sunk into a deep depression. The timid little brunette in the front row might be the one whose family treated her like rubbish because they thought she was weak and in doing so made her lose the confidence in herself to blossom into a powerful kunoichi."

Hinata flinched and I continued, "The bubbly twit painting graffiti down the road might have been shunned his whole life and never had anyone to care about him." I saw Naruto flinch and I could tell Iruka was on the verge of intervening so I chose my next example carefully, "That hard ass teacher who never lets you slack off might once have been the village's premier prankster and the bubbly twit nobody liked because he just wanted somebody to acknowledge his existence before he grew up, got serious and made them see that he was there by becoming a respectable shinobi and a teacher." Iruka froze and the whole class stared at him.

"The lazy instructor who never shows up on time and reads porn in public might once have been his village's top shinobi until he lost his sensei and best friends in a war." I'm certain Kakashi sneezed somewhere as I continued, "That crazed murderous psychopath might have been a little kid who was almost murdered by the one person in the world he trusted, and the old man fighting arthritis to fill out paperwork might have been one of the most powerful shinobi of his time."

I had been making a point of meeting the students' eyes as I talked and now my gaze swept across them, "Remember, just because someone is your enemy in war does not mean that they are a bad person. It simply means that they work for someone else. However, war is in fact war, and the nature of war is to kill one's enemies. If you are to be a shinobi, then you must make peace with the fact that you will be required to kill or be killed on missions, and the people you will be killing are in fact _people_. They are people just like you who may have been your friends had events played out differently." I paused as the whole class looked slightly ill barring a few exceptions.

Then I smiled, "So who can tell me the lesson?" There was no answer so I said softly, "The lesson children, is to take no more lives than you have to. As a shinobi, one day you will have to kill, you'll probably have to kill a lot, but never forget, that the lives you take are people, not some cardboard training dummy."

I raised my head, "We are shinobi. Our livelihood is war and subterfuge, to kill when we are paid or ordered to by any means necessary. If we forge all our blades into plows, we'll be plowing for the benefit of those who didn't. So we must bear this burden so that the people we are sworn to protect can live in peace. _That_ is what it means to be a shinobi. There is little honor or glory in our line of work, but we do more to maintain the safety of our home than anyone else. So before you go jumping off the deep end into the life of a shinobi, make sure you know what you're getting into."

The whole class was very thoughtful and in many cases troubled as they pondered my words. I raised my hand in farewell with a slight smile, "In other news, I have just come out of retirement. I will be taking a genin team this year, and I look forward to seeing some of you on my team. Naruto, I'll keep your spot reserved if you still want it, but all of you should consider the lives you are about to undertake, and your reasons for wanting to walk this path." I pulled out my Hidden Leaf forehead protector, shed my Oil one and put it on before gesturing to it with a thumb, "Once you put on this headband, _you're in."_

I patted Iruka on the shoulder on my way out, "They're all yours Hard-ass sensei." Out I went thinking, _Ought to be some interesting attendance tomorrow._

==That Evening==

I was receiving some very interesting looks. Some thoughtful, some surprised, and in Kurenai's case, friggin _pissed_. From the way she was glaring a hole in the side of my head, I could only assume that Hinata hadn't taken my little lecture well.

Sarutobi-sensei cleared his throat as Kakashi arrived and closed the door behind him, "Right. Now that we're all here, let's get started. As I'm sure you all know, we are here to discuss tomorrow's class of genin hopefuls. Are there any comments before we get started?" "I have a question," Kurenai declared. Sensei nodded, "Go ahead."

Kurenai turned to look at me, "I would like to know why our respected Sannin decided to visit the graduating class today and give a discouraging lecture about the hard facts of shinobi life."

I turned to face her right back, "I visited and told them what they would've had to learn as shinobi at some point in their lives. If they became shinobi without learning that being a shinobi means that they'll be called upon to kill, then they'll find out as soon as the next war rolls around. Would you prefer they find out that killing isn't easy by having a panic attack in the middle of a battlefield after they make their first kill, or in the nice safe classroom where they can question their life choices in peace and safety before they ever have to take a life?"

Kurenai was still upset, but she was having a hard time finding a good objection. "You should have faith in her to make her own decisions Kurenai," I said softly, "She knows herself better than anyone. If she doesn't think she can handle killing, then don't try to force it on her. I may have scared one of the most incredibly promising students I've ever seen off the path of a shinobi today, one that I was very much looking forward to training. I took no pleasure in telling them what I did, but I would take even less pleasure in seeing my students freaking out and being horribly traumatized the first time they get covered in blood or see someone they care about die in their arms."

Kurenai was slightly mollified and I turned back to Sensei, "I think that's that question answered. You were saying sensei?" Sensei nodded and cleared his throat, "Yes, well, erm, as I was saying, you have all made your requests, those of you who had requests. If those students pass, you will have them. We only had one issue of dispute, Sasuke Uchiha. I have elected to assign him to Kakashi since Kakashi is the only other Sharingan user we still have." There were a few protests, mostly that Kakashi had never passed a genin team and would probably flunk Sasuke too.

Kakashi bore the complaints stoically and Sensei stared them down, "And Kakashi was right about every one of those candidates. If the Uchiha fails, he fails and we put him to work reviving his clan whether he likes it or not. I trust Kakashi's judgment in this." I grinned slightly as those protesting promptly shut their traps, _Glad to see I'm not the only one who's thought about that._

Sensei gestured to a stack of papers, "These folders contain copies of the profiles of every genin that is not already assigned. Everyone look through them and mark those who you would be willing to teach."

We formed a line and I took a folder from the stack. I opened it and the first name was _Aburame, Shino_. I checked him off as someone I'd be willing to teach immediately and went to the next one. _Choji Akimichi_ , check. I decided that the next one wasn't promising enough, nor the one after that. I kept reading through the profiles and didn't approve another one until I got to one that almost made me drop the folder: _Fukusei, Hatsumei._

Hatsumei Fukusei was a character I had made up, he wasn't canon. I stared at the picture with the profile, there was no doubt, that was him. I looked at the little orange flag in the top right corner, that meant he had failed his first genin exam but had been approved for another try with a different team, not that that happened often. Second chances were very rare in this program. I looked for the section where it would mention what had happened and quickly found it,

 _Might Gai: Very talented and would be a very good shinobi, but was unfortunately on a poorly put together team that didn't pan out in the slightest. I recommend he be offered a second try as he did not deserve failure this time._

I nodded, that sounded about right, it wasn't the backstory I had come up with for him, but it made sense. Hatsumei was a damn good shinobi if he was anything like the character I had created, and judging by the abilities listed for him he was; he wouldn't have failed if he had any chance at all. I nodded and marked him off twice for good measure, I would definitely teach Hatsumei.

Then I flipped to the next profile and my heart almost stopped in shock, _No…WAY…_ I thought as I stared at the second of my characters, _Hyuga, Yumiko._ Another orange flag,

 _Kakashi Hatake: Yumiko did everything in her power to support her teammates, but was unable to stop them from fighting each other more than me. Almost got a bell from me by herself after her teammates knocked each other out. Fully approved for another try. Refer to Might Gai if possible._

I nodded, that sounded exactly right. When I had created Yumiko she had been badass enough that she could've kicked Neji around like a soccer ball, and she was smart, beautiful and fiery to boot. If Hatsumei was a damn good shinobi, Yumiko was a _perfect_ shinobi. I triple checked her name.

Then I flipped through the rest of the profiles, _Let's see...I guess Kurenai requested Hinata already…Sakura, check. Kiba, check. No, no, no, no, Shikamaru, check. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Ino check._ I flipped the folder closed, and handed it back to sensei, "If it's not too late, I'd like to make two more requests sensei." Sarutobi-sensei blinked in surprise and then nodded, "Of course." I pulled out Hatsumei and Yumiko's files, "These two. I've got a good feeling about them."

Sensei raised his eyebrows as he examined the orange flagged profiles, then he nodded, "Very well. Everyone, Hatsumei Fukusei and Yumiko Hyuga have been specifically requested, please remove their profiles from your folders." Everyone looked up at me and sensei in surprise, they all knew what an orange flag meant, and by the looks of it most of them hadn't looked at anything beyond that. I caught a look of approval from Kakashi and nodded to him. I looked at sensei, "Anything else Sensei?"

He shook his head, "No. We'll meet again tomorrow night to discuss the final assignments and the next night to discuss who passed and who didn't."

Out I went.

==The Next Morning==

I casually watched the Graduation Exams using Jiraiya's/my _**Transparent Escape Jutsu**_ and wasn't at all surprised to see that many of the kids that had been in class the day before weren't there. I was also rather unsurprised to see that Hinata wasn't there. Kurenai's glaring had kind of given that one away. I was however somewhat surprised to see Sakura still there. After she passed I wrote on her profile, _refer to Kurenai Yuhi for genjutsu training_. Iruka and Mizuki looked at the space where my head was with surprised respect as they immediately saw the potential there.

When Naruto came in I was watching Mizuki like a hawk. I needn't have worried, Naruto passed brilliantly. It was kind of hard to fail twenty Naruto's each doing their own individual victory dance. Sasuke passed blandly and the rest of the examinees passed in a boring little blur, although I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something familiar about a lot of those kids. After Sakura came through, I wasn't surprised to find that Hinata was the only one of the Konoha 12 to drop out of the running. I made an invisible shadow clone to tail Mizuki to make sure he didn't get up to his canon tricks and then I went to find Hinata.

It didn't take me long to find her, Jiraiya knew Konoha like the back of his hand, so it was easy to find my way across the village to the Hyuga Compound. I strode right up to Hiashi's front door and knocked. I was met by a servant who looked unsurprised to see me. He was from the Branch House, so I guess he saw me coming. "I'm here to see Lord Hiashi if he's not busy, and I'd like to talk to Lady Hinata even if he is," I said politely.

The servant bowed, "Of course sir, if you will follow me please." I followed him to a small parlor, and waited. It didn't take long for Hiashi to sweep in with Hinata right behind him. Hiashi sat down across from me with Hinata right beside him. Hiashi gave me the old Hyuga Clan Head Stare, "Lord Jiraiya, it is an honor to meet you. May I ask why you wished to see me and my daughter?"

I smiled easily, "Yes. I wished to apologize for spooking Hinata off the path of a shinobi and speak with the two of you about the repercussions and options she has now." Hiashi's Byakugan was immediately active and most people would've run like hell from that glare, "Really? How, _precisely_ did you 'spook Hinata off the path of a shinobi'? And an even better question, _why?_ "

I raised an eyebrow, "I told her entire class the hard truth about being shinobi. It involves killing, and killing is not easy. You need not fret, half of Hinata's class declined graduation to Genin status. Only fifteen of the thirty even showed up today, and half of them failed." Hiashi raised an eyebrow, "And you saw fit to sabotage my daughter's graduating class _why?_ "

I waved a hand, "Don't think of it as sabotage. You forget, there are far more paths in life than just being a shinobi, and the vast majority of people are in fact not even remotely cut out for it. Hinata would've been a fine kunoichi had she graduated to genin today. However, she would have been just that, _fine_. Not great, at least by Hyuga standards. If she hadn't been called weak and timid so often that she internalized it, well that might be a different story." Hiashi's glare intensified, "I'm not sure I follow you."

I smiled, "It's quite simple. Hinata's comparative lack of aptitude and strength is all in her head. You could easily get rid of it by encouraging her and telling her how strong she is rather than constantly pointing out her shortcomings. Hinata is suffering from _learned_ helplessness, she's been told she's weak so often that it has destroyed her confidence. Hinata is inherently a gentle person, when that was taken for and labeled weakness, it became weakness. When someone acts or is told they are a certain way long enough, they become that way. If you had been telling her all this time she was strong, then she would be. Theoretically you could start right now and make her into the heiress you think Hanabi is going to grow up to be if you want to."

Hiashi was looking thoughtful, still irritated but thoughtful. Hinata on the other hand looked shocked. I smiled, "Really life is often simply what you make of it. For example, Hinata's decision today to not graduate to genin this year. You could take it as a sign of weakness, or you could take it as I do, and see it as a sign of profound insight. Hinata is not ready to be a killer, and she knows it. What's more, she had the courage to tell you that she was not ready. Given how high an emphasis the Hyuga Clan puts on being the best and perfection and all that nonsense, I'd say that took a lot more courage and strength to do than any exam that academy could throw at her."

Hiashi was looking less irritated and more thoughtful now so I continued, "She has an opportunity now to explore other avenues of life. With the Byakugan and the people insight it can lend, she would be an amazing politician or lawyer, and the Byakugan would also make her an amazing medic. She could be a psychiatrist too, Kami knows this village needs a few more of those. She could be an artist or a chef or anything she wants really. She's actually a very talented and intelligent girl, she just needs someone to have a bit of faith in her."

I rose, "That's all I came to say. Thank you for hearing me out Lord Hiashi, and please, both of you, think about what I said. Have a nice day." And out I went.

I paused on my way out of the compound as I heard a delighted shriek and bounced up to the nearest rooftop to look. I grinned as I saw the source of the shriek. Yumiko was in the Hyuga garden practicing her archery, and was currently hugging a very flustered looking messenger. I hopped down and sat on the branch of the tree holding her arrow filled target. "Good news I take it?" I asked cheerfully as she turned back around and spotted me.

Yumiko had an arrow trained on me in an instant, "Who are you?" I hopped down to the ground, "Your new Jonin Instructor Jiraiya the Toad Sage." Yumiko's jaw dropped and she immediately let the tension off her bow. Then she surprised me and tackled me in a hug that almost knocked me over, "Thank you!" I smiled and hugged her back, "You don't have to thank me Yumiko, but if you really want to, then thank me by being the kunoichi I know you can be." Yumiko stepped back and bowed quickly, "Hai sensei!"

I grinned, Yumiko was everything I had wanted her to be, "Well Yumiko, meet me at the Academy tomorrow and we'll pick up the rest of the team." A very flustered looking bat fluttered down out of the trees and transformed into a young man with black hair and yellow eyes, "Owwww…my ears and eyes…I _hate_ transforming in the day time…"

I could almost see his eyes and ears throbbing from the over stimulation his bat form had received from flying in daylight through the ever bustling Konoha. I grinned, "Hatsumei Fukusei." Hatsumei's eyes popped open and he stared, "Lord Jiraiya?" He bowed at me, "Thank-you-thank-you-thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!" Yumiko blinked in confusion and then it dawned on her, "Hats! You're on my team?"

Hatsumei grinned at her and she shrieked with delight before tackling him in a hug that _did_ knock him over. Judging by the grin on his face, I don't think he minded at all. I smiled, "Ok Hats, I'll tell you like I told Yumiko, if you really want to thank me, be the shinobi I know you can be. We'll meet tomorrow at the academy, I believe they'll be assigning the instructors and teams at eight thirty. We've got one rookie who I plan to surprise with you two tomorrow, otherwise I'd take you two to find him right now." Hatsumei and Yumiko grinned.

I decided it might be wise to tell them who Naruto was in advance, so I cleared my throat and got serious, "Before you meet him, there's one thing you should know about Naruto Uzumaki." I saw Hatsumei's eyes widen as he recognized the name, "I'm guessing you already know who he is Hatsumei?" Hatsumei nodded carefully and Yumiko was sharp enough to immediately realize that whatever I was going to say about Naruto was extremely important and probably not good.

"What you need to know," I declared in an ominous voice that had Hatsumei and Yumiko hanging on my every word like their lives depended on it, "is that the kid eats ramen like a fish drinks water!" I declared, "Seriously I've never seen anybody who can put it away like that kid! Ten _big_ bowls is his _warm-up!_ No matter what he says, no matter what he does, never _ever_ let him convince you to buy him ramen or he'll clean your wallet out along with the ramen stand!"

I know I shouldn't have done it, but the looks on their faces was just too worth it. It took them a few minutes to recover and then, "THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED TO TELL US?!" Hatsumei exclaimed, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO TELL US ABOUT THE F-!" He stopped himself just in time to not say "fox" and clamped his jaw shut immediately. Yumiko looked at him curiously, so he knew but she didn't. I wasn't surprised, I had made Hatsumei to be probably the best information gatherer Hidden Leaf had ever seen. I would've been disappointed if he _didn't_ know about the fox.

I pretended to clean my ear out with a knowing look, "The foxes and the bees you say? Ya know I always heard it was the _birds_ and the bees, but I suppose foxes could work just as well. No, no, no, don't gimme that look, you asked, you're gonna get it." Hatsumei and Yumiko were both blushing as red as my vest (haori?), I knew they were already a couple, but I had to rib 'em a little anyway.

Before they could protest I started, "So, the foxes and the bees. So there were these nine foxes, and they took issue with a certain beehive in the leaves of a tree. Now these nine were very dangerous and powerful foxes, so they actually got to the beehive." My figurative language wasn't lost on the two and they were paying full attention. Good I thought, very good, "So the foxes were able to attack the beehive, lots of bees didn't make it."

"Eventually," I continued, "the queen bee took action, and the youngest of the bees, born that very day, took the fall alongside the queen bee so that all the other bees could live in safety from the foxes. The foxes were sealed away in the stripes of the youngest bee, and in years to come with the aid of a wise frog the young bee learned to channel the power in his stripes to protect his beehive. It was a long dangerous process, and many of the other bees feared his whole life that he was nothing more than the new form of the foxes, waiting for a perfect moment to strike, but the young bee did what he had to do to protect his beehive. That bee became a hero to his beehive and _that_ is what should be remembered about him."

I grinned as I saw that they had understood every word I said, "The moral of the story students, is that it should never be about _what_ you are, what's important is who you choose to be. Remember that when you meet Naruto. See you tomorrow!" and with that I was gone.

==That Evening==

Kurenai was looking at me differently tonight. She wasn't glaring now, instead she was giving me a very thoughtful look. I guess Hinata had told her what I'd said to her father. Kakashi came in last again and the meeting got started.

Sensei cleared his throat, "We all know why we're here, so we'll skip the chit-chat. The team assignments as recommended by the Academy Instructors in accordance with the Jonin Instructors' preferences are as follows: Squad One, under Hayate Gekko: Hanro Shi, Yugi Tobi, and Fugara Utakata." I cleaned my ear, certain I had misheard.

"Squad designations two and three are still in rotation. Squad Four under Inoichi Yamanaka: Sakun Aru, Sasun Aru and Naruhi Na." I looked at the ceiling, somebody was up there screwing with me.

"Squad Five under Erza Scarlet: Natsu Dragneel, Gray Fullbuster and Lucy Heartfilia." I stared at him, _The hell?!_ Then I looked over, saw Erza Scarlet standing there in samurai armor and my brain shut down a little bit.

"Squad Six under Mugiwara Luffy: Roronoa Zoro, Nami Nekonodorobo and Sanji Vinsmoke," I twitched a little as I saw freakin' _Monkey D. Luffy_ straw hat and all, munching a hank of meat as big as his head. This was getting ridiculous.

"Squad Seven under Kakashi Hatake: Sasuke Uchiha, Ran Domdude, and Phil Ername." I couldn't help it, I face palmed and tried my damnedest to hold back my snickers as I came to the conclusion I had somehow been written into some sort of crack fic, could this author be any more ridiculous?

"Squad Eight under Kurenai Yuhi: Shino Aburame, Sakura Haruno and Kiba Inuzuka," I saw Kurenai straighten up slightly with surprise when she heard Sakura's name. I guess she had heard of the Academy's worst fan girl.

"Squad Nine still in rotation. Squad Ten under Asuma Sarutobi: Choji Akimichi, Shikamaru Nara and Ino Yamanaka." Asuma looked mildly interested at having been handed the heirs to the Ino-Shika-Cho mantle.

"Squads Eleven and Twelve are still in rotation. Squad Thirteen under Jiraiya the Toad Sage: Hatsumei Fukusei, Yumiko Hyuga and Naruto Uzumaki." I sighed slightly with relief.

My relief evaporated at, "And finally Squad Fourteen under Kermit Gama: Piggy San, Fozzy Kuma, and Gonzo Degrate." My eye twitched as I looked over and saw a guy with green hair, a banjo on his back and a bit of a derpy expression, _Oh you have GOT to be shitting me…_

 **AN:** _First thing's first, as of right now, this is a oneshot. However, if I receive twenty follows and/or reviews asking me to continue this story, I will strongly consider it. Thirty and I'll_ _definitely_ _do it._

 _It will in fact be a serious fic as most of this first chapter was, and as such it will have its dark moments, as well as some seriously_ _ **dark**_ _moments, but like this first chapter it will also have little moments of cracked-ness and crossover humor here and there._

 _The reason it's getting harder to tell whether the guy in Jiraiya's body is the guy who woke up shocked to be in Jiraiya's body or Jiraiya himself, is that people are really not much more than the sum of their memories, so the more the character interacts with Jiraiya's memories, the more he actually_ _ **becomes**_ _Jiraiya. He won't ever be the same Jiraiya from canon, but he'll be close enough that people won't be able to tell anything's particularly wrong about him other than that he's mysteriously developed an entirely new personality and will know a few things that people will never really be able to figure out how he knew._

 _ **UPDATE:** It's confirmed, this story will be continued, and chapter 2 is in the works. _

_Also,_ _I know that somebody out there is thinking, "but wait, in canon the transformation jutsu actually did physically transform the person or thing!" Yes, yes it did. And that was stupid. Because my dear readers, if **anybody** can physically transform their body however they please, then number one, physical training is totally redundant because anyone can simply transform to add more muscle as needed, and number two, a great many other things in Naruto-verse are totally pointless. For example Kimimaro's kekkai genkai being a kekkai genkai, totally pointless if anybody can physically transform however they please because they would be able to replicate it at the drop of a hat. The Akimichi and Inuzuka clan's techniques being clan secrets, totally pointless for them to remain that way because someone who can physically transform their bodies however they want can do those things at the drop of a hat. Orochimaru's hunt for a Sharingan would be absurd because if he could transform however he wanted, he'd be able to alter his eyes to match the Sharingan or the Byakugan or whatever the hell else he wanted. Even without one to study he'd experiment enough that eventually he'd get it down pat, he might not be able to replicate the powers of a Mangekyo, but let's face it, those are broken as hell anyway. Medical jutsu and Tsunade's regeneration ability being some big hard thing would be absurd because anybody would be able to force their body to change and mimic the effects of regeneration at will as long as they weren't knocked out. So I'm chalking this up to a plot hole rather than label everyone in Naruto-verse freakin morons. Seriously, this is up there with using Shadow Clones to do paperwork._

 _Yes, this does mean that Naruto being able to physically transform however he wants is in fact, a **really** big deal, and yes, it will be something New-Jiraiya capitalizes on._


	2. Chapter 2: Squad 13 Passes Tests

Chapter 2 – Squad 13 Passes Tests

I watched the freshly graduated class invisibly as they came in. Now that I had learned their names, it was easy to spot the ones that had graduated early and I suspect had been put there by whoever was writing this for the sole purpose of trolling me. I hadn't been lying to Hiashi when I told him that only a quarter of the Rookie 9's class had passed the exam, but I hadn't mentioned that 17 others had either attempted the exam early as special cases or tried again after failing the year before. Six had been allowed to take the test early on the basis of extraordinary talent, and eleven were on at least their second try like Naruto had been.

Sakura and Ino crashed in, just like they had in canon. After they picked themselves up, Sakura ran over to where Naruto was sitting next to Sasuke and a few words later she tried to shove Naruto out of the way, only for Naruto to switch with her at the last second using Substitution, causing her hand to land on Sasuke's head and slam his face into the table by mistake. The crash of Sasuke's face on the table silenced the whole classroom for a second. Sakura was horrified, Sasuke was furious, everyone else was stunned except for me and Naruto. I almost exploded trying to contain my laughter, and Naruto would have if he'd been trying.

Sakura tried to stammer out an apology as Sasuke picked up his head and glared at her. "I am quite aware that you have a crush on me Sakura," Sasuke said icily, "But knocking me out and dragging me to the bedroom is no more the right way to get my attention than your usual brand of absurd behavior. If you try it again, we'll step outside, and I will _crush you_ like I would any other opponent. Now give Naruto his seat back, sit down, and now I have a headache, so for once in your life, _be. Quiet."_

Everyone stared and Sakura looked like her entire world was crashing around her ears as she stepped back and let Naruto climb back to his seat. Naruto tried to explain to Sasuke what had happened but Sasuke cut him off, "I'm fully aware of your substitution just then Naruto. I'd call you an idiot if it wasn't such a good trick. Now as I told Sakura, please for once in your life, be quiet." Naruto faced the front of the classroom and was silent, along with everyone else. When Iruka walked in a moment later, he looked around warily as he noticed the unusual quiet.

The other Jonin Instructors came in behind him and he started calling off names. When he got to Squad Thirteen, I dropped my jutsu and appeared in Iruka's usual chair, "Naruto, let's go. The rest of the team's waiting for us outside." Those few who were left stared at me in shock as they wondered how I had been hiding there without some sort of camouflage. Naruto just grinned and bounced up.

Out we went and as we went, I noticed Kakashi relaxing in the teacher's lounge across the hall. I smirked, so that's where he was. We stepped outside the Academy and I quickly spotted Yumiko sitting in the branches of the tree with the swing. She saw us too and hopped down, she had her bow and arrows with her as well as her tanto, "So this is Naruto?"

Hatsumei fluttered down in bat form and transformed back to his human form, "He's smaller than I expected." Naruto stared at him, then he looked up at me, "Sensei, these two are way older than me." "Nah," I replied, "It's only four years. I know that's a long time for you, but it's not so much. Besides, they're older and better at what they do. That means they will be able to help you get better too. Normally there would be a test now to make sure you three were ready to be genin, but Hatsumei and Yumiko passed tests already, and you Naruto passed my test just by showing up yesterday."

Naruto thought about that then realization dawned on him, "So when you said that you were giving a test on the way to the academy you were talking about that speech you gave?" I nodded, "And half your class failed. The ones that showed up passed because they showed a willingness to do whatever they had to as shinobi. So, now we're going to train. I need to see where you three are in your skill development."

==Twenty Minutes Later==

We found a suitable training field not far outside the village and I hopped up on a rock and turned to face them as I sat down, "Right. So, I want you three to show me any and all jutsu you know beyond the Academy standard three. Yumiko, you're up first." Hatsumei backed up and pulled Naruto with him. Yumiko settled into her Gentle Fist stance, "Revolving Heaven!" The massive blue chakra shield erupted around her and spun with her at incredible speeds.

When she stopped she flashed through some hand signs, "Lightning Style, Raijin Slash!" She slammed her hands together as though in prayer and when she dragged them apart lightning was jumping between them. She slammed them together with her arms straight out in front of her and her fingers curled like claws. The lightning shot away in an arc and cut right through a tree.

She flashed through another set of hand signs and fire started crackling around her hands and feet, "Fire Fist!" She snapped out a punch and launched a bolt of fire at the tree she had knocked down. She extinguished the flames crackling around her fingers and held her hands up in front of her, they started glowing blue and she declared, "Chakra scalpel." She suddenly extended her hands away from her and amped up the chakra. The glow around her hands extended out from her hands to a length of almost a meter, "Chakra katana," she declared, "Both the chakra scalpel and katana are compatible with my fire and lightning natures. I have one more affinity, but nobody's ever been able to show me how to use it because it's a kekkai genkai that nobody else has."

I nodded and saw Hatsumei cover his and Naruto's eyes. Yumiko closed her eyes and suddenly started glowing. I realized what she had just in time to scrunch my eyes shut. There was a flash that was bright even through my eyelids and when I opened my eyes, there was a scorched area around Yumiko. I looked at her in surprise, "So you have Light Release. That's a very rare ability indeed."

Yumiko looked at me, "You've seen it before?" I shook my head, "Never in person. I'm not sure it's ever been seen in Hidden Leaf. I don't know any jutsu that use it, so even though I probably won't I'll do my best to find some, and we'll improvise until I do."

Calling it _rare_ was an understatement I thought, in most of the fanfictions I had written, Light Release, my theoretical dual nature kekkai genkai that mixed Fire and Lightning chakra, was what I gave the second and third Tsuchikages in place of the kekkai tota Dust Release because I thought that was a name better suited to what Gaara did. I thought for a moment and realized that whoever was writing this, they'd apparently either had the same thought I did or read my work, because that was the case here too.

I elaborated once I realized that, "In fact, the only known living case of it is the Tsuchikage. It's his trump card that he uses to take out entire battalions when he takes the field." My new students stared at me. Then Hatsumei and Yumiko looked at each other and grinned. I smiled too as I realized what they were thinking, "And since _you two_ are together, that means that in a few generations Hidden Leaf will have a clan of Light Release users with the Byakugan and Koumori kekkai genkai. For the sake of the village, I hereby forbid you two to die before you are happily married and have as many children as possible."

Yumiko and Hatsumei blushed and then Yumiko smiled, "You got it boss." I smiled, "Do you have any more jutsu?" Yumiko shook her head, "Those are all the ones I've been able to teach myself, but I'm very skilled with all of them." I nodded, "Alright, Hatsumei?" Hatsumei nodded and stepped forward, "Koumori!"

His form changed midstep, his arms lengthened and became wings, his ears grew and became pointed and his head morphed into that of a massive bat. He shook his head slightly as he adjusted to the massive spike in his senses and then flapped his wings, launching himself into the sky. He flew around for a moment in a very impressive display of aerial acrobatics before swooping towards the ground with his mouth open. A bolt of sound that was more shockwave than sound wave plowed up the ground before and beneath him.

He suddenly started spinning and took on a form similar to a drill, "Tunneling Fang!" He whirled through several trees and then flew up and ignited as he did it again, "Tunneling Blaze Fang!" He whirled through the air like a comet before releasing the jutsu and flying back to the ground. He landed with his hands aimed at me in a familiar hand sign, "Mind-Body Switch!" I suddenly had the very odd sensation of being unable to control my body as a presence settled over my mind. Hatsumei quickly released the jutsu before he could collapse and then he flashed through another set of handsigns, "Expansion Jutsu!" His arm expanded to the size of a grown bull and then he frowned in concentration, forcing it to shrink back to normal size, turning red and glowing with chakra, "Hyper Compaction!" he grunted.

Then he knelt and slammed the fist into the ground, burying his fist almost to the elbow. He released the compaction and his hand expanded with explosive force, leaving a deep hole lined with massively compacted dirt where his hand had gone in. He sprang back and managed to not fall in. He was clearly getting tired, "I've got one more big one, but I know several of the Nara Clan's more basic jutsu as well. I made this up after I got Asuma Sarutobi to show me his Welcoming Approach: Thousand Armed Murder." I raised an eyebrow, _so he's created that jutsu already…_

Hatsumei folded his hands into the Snake sign, "Foreshadowed Approach! Thousand Armed Murder!" A storm of massive shadow fists suddenly erupted out of his shadow and blitzed the tree Yumiko had knocked down and set ablaze. Hatsumei's jutsu pounded it to splinters in a little over a minute. When Hatsumei released the jutsu he was pale and sweating, "That's all the big jutsu I've got. Like I said, I know more, and Yumiko taught me Gentle Fist, but I wouldn't have been able to show you those if I showed you that and all the little ones first."

Yumiko caught him before he could fall over and I smiled, "Alright, Naruto?" Naruto was looking like he suddenly felt very small and insignificant, "Um, do I have to?" I nodded, "Yes, yes you do. You just graduated, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Nobody expects you to have an arsenal of jutsu comparable to a pair of prodigies who've had four years of good instruction more than you to learn. Your abilities are just as good as theirs and I don't think it'll take you long at all to catch up. Now show em what you've got."

Naruto nodded nervously, "Transform!" He turned into his female form and Hatsumei and Yumiko frowned at him before looking at me questioningly. I smiled, "Yumiko, look with the Byakugan."

Yumiko blinked and then did as instructed. There was a sharp intake of breath as she realized what she was seeing, "He actually turned into a girl…" I nodded as Hatsumei looked from her to Naruto to me and back in rapid succession, "He did what now?" I smiled as Naruto turned back into a boy, "Naruto has mastered _physical_ transformation rather than the disguise technique taught at the Academy, meaning he has the potential to _learn_ the Koumori and many other jutsu which would be impossible for anyone else to learn as well. If he grows advanced enough with this ability, he may even be able to eventually replicate kekkai genkai. Case in point, Naruto, I want you to transform, but this time imagine yourself growing bigger the way you imagine your female form before you transform."

Naruto nodded and folded his hand into the sign for transformation. Chakra blazed around him and he started growing. I had to look up at him as he finished a moment later, fifteen feet high. Hatsumei and Yumiko stared as Naruto opened his eyes and stared right back, "WHOA…" I grinned, "Super Expansion Jutsu, from scratch, no previous training required. And as you can see, he's got an absurdly large amount of chakra to throw around. For raw talent, I haven't seen the like of him since the Fourth Hokage. He'd have been top of his class if I had found him sooner."

I grinned, "So, now that we've established who can do what, let's go watch one of the other teams take their test!"

==Fifteen Minutes Later==

It didn't take long to find another team to watch. The team we found was Squad 8, Kiba, Shino and Sakura. Kurenai currently had them in a genjutsu fighting each other while she sat back sipping tea calmly. I motioned for my team to stay put and walked over to her, making sure she could see me coming so I didn't disrupt her concentration. "Having fun?"

Kurenai shrugged, "Shino's already broken my genjutsu, he's just trying to snap the others out of it now. Standard test of trust, awareness and improvisation ability. I'm sure you know how it works." I nodded, the real task was for the students to realize they were in a genjutsu so they could break it and proceed to fight the instructor. With a master like Kurenai behind the genjutsu, they would have to have absolute trust in their comrades to cover them and tell them the truth while they checked, but they would also have to realize that Kurenai was in fact using a genjutsu.

"I'm told you were the one who recommended Sakura to my team?" Kurenai asked with a raised eyebrow. I nodded, "Her chakra control is superb, I figured that genjutsu would be a good direction to send her in. If you can do something about her attitude you might have a real gem on your hands." Kurenai nodded as she watched her potential students go at it. Shino was effortlessly holding his own against Kiba, Akamaru and Sakura at the same time. "Those Aburame are really something else," I mused. Kurenai nodded, "As much as I shudder to think about it, his strength and the 360 degree awareness from his kikaichu may mean he'd be best suited to taijutsu training with Gai."

I nodded, "If you do that, you can get Kiba tutoring from Asuma or Kakashi, and train Sakura to your level in genjutsu, then you'll have an extremely balanced team." Kurenai's mouth quirked up in a little smile, "That I will. Thanks." I smiled, "No need for that, it's our job to do what's best for the village. That means sending these kids wherever they'll have the most potential and helping each other out." Kurenai smiled and then changed the subject, "So, how did your team do? They were all requests, I can't imagine you would have failed them."

I shook my head with a smile, "They're all prodigies, and I can see a very good team dynamic just waiting to form." Kurenai raised an eyebrow at me, "Even Naruto? I thought he was a documented class clown with dismal marks in all subjects?" I nodded, "They were dismal, but he's a very blunt kid. Tell him to feel and mold his chakra into an image of himself and he has no clue what you're talking about or how to do it. Tell him to do a dance and imagine copies of himself dancing alongside him and he does the clone jutsu perfectly without the slightest effort. Sometimes all it takes to bring out a student's potential is the right teacher."

Kurenai blinked at me and sipped her tea, staring at her potential team as she tried to cover her shock, "Makes me wonder if he's the first student like that." I shrugged, "Hard to know. If I live long enough to take another team I'll be on the lookout for oddballs like him." Kurenai nodded, "Perhaps I should be too." I smiled as Sakura finally asked Kiba to hold Shino off for her to check for genjutsu, "Perhaps. I'll let you get back to your testing. See you tonight."

I Body Flickered away as Sakura suddenly whirled to look wide-eyed at where Kurenai was sitting. The last thing I saw as I turned to leave was Kurenai waving at her smugly. "Come on," I chuckled to my students as I walked off, "Time to go check in on another team."

The next team we found was Squad 10, Ino, Shikamaru and Choji. Asuma was smacking them around like piñatas with nothing but taijutsu. He smiled warmly at us as we walked up before nonchalantly springing away from Shikamaru's shadow, "Hello Jiraiya-sama, having a nice day?" He caught Choji's flying pile-driver with one hand and threw him like it was the easiest thing in the world, "We're just having a little test of spirit. Care to join us?"

He drove a straight fingered jab under Ino's guard and sent her crumpling to the ground as I answered, "Thanks, but I know already that these three have got spirit in spades." Asuma smiled as he skipped away from Shikamaru's shadow in a zigzag, "Oh? Perhaps they'd like to show these three how it's done? Hatsumei and Yumiko are older, maybe they'd put up a little bit more of a fight?"

I looked at my team, "It depends on whether or not they want to and whether or not your team would accept the help." Asuma smiled at his bruised and battered team, "What do you guys think? Would you guys like to take a break and let the older kids help?" I raised my eyebrows and caught my teams' eyes giving a subtle shake of my head and planting a firm hand on Naruto's head to get his attention. This was clearly a trap Asuma was laying for his students.

Ino and Choji were about to say something when Shikamaru cut them off, "What kind of question is that? As troublesome as it is, we need to be able to win our own fights. That's a pretty obvious trap there Sensei." Ino and Choji blinked and then paled slightly as they realized they had been on the verge of failing. Asuma grinned, "Good answer." He took a drag on his cigarette and added lazily, "Good enough to pass I suppose." Ino Shikamaru and Choji blinked in surprise and then smiles spread across their faces. "Really?!" Choji asked excitedly.

Asuma nodded, "Really. Now sit down and take a breather, if Jiraiya-sama's team still wants to spar, I'd be happy to see how they do." My team looked at me. I looked at them. They clearly wanted to try, so I sighed, "Alright fine, just don't make too much of a mess and don't get yourselves too injured, we've still got training later."

They all grinned and stepped forward as Asuma motioned for Squad 10 to step back. Hatsumei popped a soldier pill and Naruto charged in recklessly, making his new favorite hand sign as he ran. He jumped when he was almost to Asuma and suddenly grew to the size he had been earlier. Asuma had just an instant to be surprised before WHOOOMPF! Naruto slammed down on top of where Asuma had been in one of the world's biggest belly flops. I grinned as Choji dropped his chips in shock. Asuma stood next to Naruto's massive form staring in shock, then Yumiko was next to him with her chakra scalpels blazing.

Asuma held her off for a moment. He had recognized the chakra scalpels and was doing his damnedest to avoid them. Then he saw her elongate one and sprang back to get as far out of Yumiko's range as possible. He sprang back and was immediately jumping again to dodge the blazing comet that was Hatsumei's Tunneling Blaze Fang. As the fire passed out from between them he realized Naruto was back on his feet, still huge and swinging a massive kick at him.

Asuma bounced onto the top of Naruto's foot, up to his knee and landed on his chest in the breadth of an instant before blowing a plume of hot ash in Naruto's face. Naruto staggered back yelping in surprise and pain as Asuma jumped back to the ground only to find Yumiko's chakra katanas blazing at him. He quickly whipped out his trench knives and streamed chakra down them so that he could take on Yumiko's chakra blades. It looked like a fairly even fight for a moment, but Asuma was clearly more experienced and then Yumiko sprang back grinning from ear to ear.

Asuma watched her warily and then he felt a sense of danger and managed to spring away as the first of the hailstorm of shadow fists rained down. "YOU ACTUALLY MADE THAT JUTSU?!" Asuma yelled in shock as he recognized it. Shikamaru's shock was not lost on me as Hatsumei grinned behind a thin sheen of sweat, "Always wanted to try it against the real deal!" Asuma grinned, "Well then who am I to deny you?"

He assumed his stance, "Welcoming Approach! Thousand Armed Murder!" A glowing figure appeared behind him and suddenly blazing energy fists were clashing with Hatsumei's shadows. Asuma was so caught up in the clash that he didn't see Naruto toss Yumiko behind him. Yumiko pounced on him from behind and disabled his arms in an instant before springing away laughing. Asuma had an instant to be horrified before the last of Hatsumei's jutsu crashed into him.

Asuma's team stared in shock as Naruto high fived Hatsumei and Yumiko at the same time with his giant hand. Asuma sat up a little, bruises already forming. He looked at me, "Are you sure these three are genin?" I shook my head, "Hatsumei and Yumiko are probably at the level of advanced Chunin actually. Someone really should have taken them as genin students sooner, they'd be Chunin by now. Maybe Jonin if they had a good teacher. Naruto is still a genin though." Asuma flopped back onto his back, "Oh good, that makes me feel better."

He flapped an arm at his team, "Team, be like those three. They're good." I laughed, "Ok, Naruto shrink back and all of you come on." Naruto shrank back and off we went.

It took us a while to find another team, and we only found one member of that team when we did. That member was Sasuke, and he was _pissed_. I smiled as he stalked past without noticing us, "Hello Sasuke. You look rather more grim than usual." Sasuke paused and looked at me blankly for a moment, then he remembered what I had told the class the day before and who I was. He bowed, "Jiraiya-sama, please teach me."

I looked over him to where Kakashi was shaking his head no. I gestured for Sasuke to follow, "Sasuke, you come with me. Team, Kakashi there is going to entertain you for a little while. Don't worry, this won't take long." Sasuke's head whipped around and Kakashi waved as Sasuke saw him before asking, "Jiraiya-sama, how exactly am I supposed to entertain them?"

I shrugged, "You could try talking, or have a little one on three spar with them if you'd like. They beat Asuma earlier, I'm sure they'll be an entertaining matchup for you. Just don't break my students, they have to train later." Kakashi was eyeing my team with considerable interest, "We might just do that. I trust you remember regulations of course Jiraiya-sama?"

I nodded at his subtle reminder that a failed candidate wasn't eligible for a second chance at a team for at least a year even if they were orange flagged. I could tell from Kakashi's look, there would be no orange flag for Sasuke, "I remember perfectly Kakashi. Don't worry, we're just going to talk." Kakashi nodded, "Alright then."

I led Sasuke away to a clearing and sat down, gesturing for him to sit as well. He sat. "Sasuke, why do you want to be a shinobi? What are your goals in life?" Sasuke's expression darkened, "I have to kill my brother and revive my clan!" I nodded, "Alright, and which of those two do you think is more important for the village?" That struck a chord with Sasuke and he was silent for a moment, "I suppose rebuilding the Uchiha Clan matters more to the village than my revenge…" he said quietly. I nodded, "Yes. Yes it does. Now, tell me why Kakashi failed you just now."

Sasuke's head snapped up and I met his angry eyes with a cool gaze. Sasuke couldn't hold that gaze long, "Because I couldn't get one of those damn bells." I shook my head, "Wrong. That test is a tradition in the Hidden Leaf, the object is not to get the bells, it is to test your teamwork." Sasuke visibly flinched and paled slightly. "Let me guess," I continued, "You thought Ran and Phil were weak and would only slow you down, so you didn't even bother to consult with them about a possible plan to beat Kakashi?" Sasuke flinched again before nodding slightly.

I nodded, "See? You failed because you're not a team player, and on a team that could potentially wind up facing people on my level before they're ready one day, that's deadly for the whole team. You would get yourself and your whole team killed thinking like that." Sasuke fidgeted slightly and I rolled on, "Now here's another thought for you. Let's say you _do_ catch up to Itachi and fight him. If he kills you, then who of the Uchiha is left to rebuild your clan?" Sasuke flinched like I had punched him and was quiet for a moment, "There wouldn't be anybody left," he said quietly, "The Uchiha clan would die with me and Itachi."

"Or even worse," I replied, "Itachi might be assembling himself a harem and rebuilding the Uchiha Clan himself even as we speak. The _honorable_ Uchiha Clan would die with you, Itachi might have dozens of children to start his own version of your clan. With you gone there would be nobody to check in on the Uchiha district regularly, an S-Rank shinobi like Itachi might be able to bring an entire team of his missing-nin buddies and extract every jutsu and secret there before anyone ever realized someone was moving around in an abandoned district. He'd have everything he needed to rebuild the Uchiha Clan in his own image wherever he wanted."

All the color immediately went out of Sasuke's face in horror. I nodded, "See? Your priorities are mixed up. You need to be reviving your clan _before_ killing your brother so that even if he kills you, you'll still have a chance to achieve at least one of your goals." Sasuke was clearly floored by the revelation.

I grinned and pulled a copy of _Icha Icha_ out of a seal in my pocket and handed it to him, "I recommend reading this and taking a closer look at letting some of those fangirls give you some of that affection they clearly have for you. I believe Sakura and Ino were on the verge of passing their tests when I checked in on their teams, so the odds of them having time to be brood mothers for Uchiha babies are slim. Hinata on the other hand isn't even in the running to be a genin this year, and you can't really expect Itachi's kids to have something better than a _Byaku_ -Sharingan can you?"

I could almost hear the gears whirling in Sasuke's head as he numbly accepted the book. I grinned and rose, "Those are just my thoughts of course, do what you will with them." I walked past him towards where I could hear my team's massive battle with Kakashi, then I paused. "By the way," I said over my shoulder. Sasuke looked at me and I radiated a fair bit of killing intent, "If you go rogue hunting the power to find and kill your brother, rest assured, I'll be _personally_ coming after you to make sure you don't make it as far as Itachi."

Sasuke stared at me in terror and then I released the killing intent, waving at him with a smile, "Now go get to work on rebuilding your clan! Be sure to write down all the juicy details, like who's a possible future Uchiha's momma. We have to keep lists of these things you know! Have fun and don't let life make ya such a sourball. You're rich, popular with the ladies and you've got all the excuse in the world to be Konoha's next super-pervert. There's plenty to smile about if you look for it!" I laughed and strolled away, leaving Sasuke to carefully reevaluate his life choices.

A few moments later I found Kakashi giving my team fits. He had already knocked Naruto out of the fight, despite Naruto's giant form. Judging by the look of things, my guess was that he had used an earth jutsu to make a pitfall trap. When Naruto fell in, he hadn't been able to get back out. He was currently dodging and bouncing away from Yumiko's deadly hands and Hatsumei was using his Tunneling Blaze Fang to keep him from getting any good long range jutsu lined up. It actually looked quite even although I did notice that Kakashi didn't have his Sharingan out. I walked over to Naruto and after I got him to shrink back to normal size, I used Jiraiya's/my Lion's Mane jutsu to extract him from the hole Kakashi had left him in. I grinned as a thought occurred to me and I whispered it in Naruto's ear.

Naruto looked at me in surprise and then he grinned and pulled a kunai. He whistled and threw the kunai as everyone paused for the briefest instant to look at him. He substituted with the kunai and Kakashi suddenly found himself face to face with Naruto's Sexy Jutsu in all its nude and shapely glory. Kakashi's visible eye widened as his guard faltered and then Yumiko substituted with Naruto and her hands flashed out, sealing the chakra points in Kakashi's left shoulder and cutting off the chakra flow to his arm. Kakashi sprang away and then Hatsumei plowed into him.

Hatsumei crashed into a tree with him, still whirling with his Tunneling Blaze Fang, and just as Kakashi was managing to shove him off course with his functioning arm, Yumiko substituted with Hatsumei and wrapped her hands around said good arm, immediately disabling it with Gentle Fist. Kakashi kicked her away and ran, his limp arms flying out behind him like streamers. Then Naruto's giant shadow loomed over him. Kakashi sprang back and then Yumiko caught up to him. Yumiko's hand flashed out and down Kakashi went.

We all waited for it to turn out to be some kind of trick and then Kakashi groaned, "Well, you're tougher than I remember Yumiko, and Batty and Mr. Citrus are quite exceptional too. Congratulations to all three of you. If you had been taking my test, you would have all passed. That was excellent teamwork. Even if I wasn't using my Sharingan, beating me like this is no small feat. I'm very much looking forward to seeing where your shinobi careers take you. Now can you please release my chakra points?" he finished plaintively.

"Mr. Citrus?" My team asked in unison. I chuckled, "Naruto is wearing lots of orange. Oranges are a citrus fruit. Mr. Citrus, Mr. Orange, Kakashi's just playing with words." The lightbulb went on over their heads as they understood what Kakashi meant. I smiled, "You can let him up now Yumiko." Yumiko quickly unsealed his chakra points and Kakashi pulled himself back up as the life went back into his limbs. He dusted himself off, "Well, I'm going to go fill out my reports on those three I had. Good luck to all of you, and I'll see you at the meeting tonight Jiraiya-sama."

He Body-Flickered away and I grinned, "Now then, training time!"

==That Evening==

I found myself back in the line-up of instructors in Sensei's office. As Kakashi came in, Sensei started the meeting, "Ok, first up, Hayate. Pass or fail, if fail why?" "Fail," Hayate replied before coughing, "They may be extremely powerful *hacking cough* but they are also still very much children. They need more time. Yellow Flag." Sensei nodded, a Yellow Flag meant that they had attempted the test early and failed, "Inoichi?"

Inoichi shook his head, "Fail, they're far too busy fighting with each other to ever be good shinobi. Red Flag." I could tell there were a few winces, a Red Flag meant that they had failed so dismally that there was no hope for them as shinobi. Sensei nodded grimly and marked them off. Then he looked up, "Erza?"

"Yellow Flag Fail," Erza replied, "They all have tremendous potential, but Lucy lacks confidence and Natsu and Gray have too much animosity towards each other from their rivalry. I _could_ whip them into shape now if they were needed now, but I think they deserve more time to be children." Sensei nodded, "Very well." He marked them off, "Mugiwara?"

Luffy paused munching, "Yellow Flag Fail. Sanji and Zoro would be a great combo if they weren't so busy fighting each other, and Nami's definitely good with her bojutsu, but right now they're not ready, so I say give em another year or two. I'll take em once they grow up a little." Sensei nodded, "Alright, Kakashi?" I don't know where Kakashi got the little red flag but he waved it, "All three. Dismal." There were many groans from the Jonin who had protested him getting Sasuke and Sensei clarified, "Even the Uchiha?"

" _Especially_ the Uchiha," Kakashi replied, "Most arrogant little prick I've ever met. He's totally absorbed in his hatred for his brother and refuses to accept or give any help to anyone weaker than he is. He has talent, but his character is highly unsuited to shinobi work, and there's not the slightest doubt in my mind that if word of Itachi's whereabouts ever surfaced Sasuke would go haring off after whatever wild goose chase rumor he heard, leaving his team and the village in the lurch. Not to mention he's got an ego the size of Hokage Mountain that would probably drive him into a fit of jealousy if one of his teammates ever surpassed him. No, it's best if we put a stop to his shinobi career _now_ before he can get somebody killed. Send someone to keep an eye on him so that he can't run off when he finds out he's been Red Flagged and put him to work reviving his clan. Once we've got a few more Uchiha's, it won't be the death of the entire Uchiha Clan if he dies doing something stupid."

Sensei nodded, "Very well, Sasuke Uchiha, Red Flag, Flight Risk." There was a general air of discontent in the room as he turned to Kurenai, "Kurenai?" Kurenai smiled, "All pass. Shino broke out of my genjutsu in an instant, and Sakura didn't take long to break out as well and wake Kiba up. They display very good teamwork and I think they will grow to be a very balanced team." The air of discontent lifted as the first actual _pass_ of the evening was announced. Sensei nodded, "Squad 8 confirmed, Shino Aburame, Sakura Haruno and Kiba Inuzuka under leadership of Kurenai Yuhi."

Then he turned to Asuma, "Asuma?" Asuma shrugged with a grin, "Eh, they pass. They need work, but they pass." That created something of an excited buzz, the next Ino-Shika-Cho trio had arrived. Sensei nodded with a smile, "Squad 10 confirmed, Choji Akimichi, Shikamaru Nara and Ino Yamanaka under leadership of Asuma Sarutobi."

Then he turned to me, "Jiraiya?" I grinned, "All three pass my test, and Kakashi's test, _and_ Asuma's test." That got a shocked round of muttering and Sensei raised an eyebrow, "Come again?" I shrugged, "Well after they passed my test, we went to watch the other teams. We found Squad 10 just as they were passing, and Asuma asked if my team would like a try. I knew they'd pass, so I let them have at it, and they didn't disappoint. Then we went looking for another team to watch and after a while we found Kakashi who had just failed his team. I told him to entertain my team while I gave Sasuke a talking to. I think I got the kid's priorities in order, and when I went to check on Kakashi he was giving my team fits. They pulled through though."

Kakashi nodded, "Best teamwork I've seen in a long time. I knew they would be fine, Yumiko passed my test last time. She was only orange flagged because the rest of her team failed so dismally." "Plus according to Jiraiya-sama Hatsumei and Yumiko are high Chunin, or even low Jonin in skill level," Asuma added, "After fighting them myself, I'd have to agree. Those two are way beyond any genin, and that Naruto kid's gonna be something else. He almost squashed me with a Super Expansion Jutsu."

That created another wave of muttering and Asuma looked over his shoulder, "What? Isn't he an Akimichi?" I chuckled, "Nope although you'd never believe it if you saw him eat ramen. Naruto has taught himself _physical_ transformation. As far as I can tell he can change his body however he wants. I told him to transform himself bigger and he did the Super Expansion Jutsu on the first try. He also pulled off several other jutsu today effortlessly. He can learn 'em as fast as I can tell him what to do. It's a good thing we didn't put him with Sasuke, he would've eclipsed the brat in no time."

There was a stunned silence. After a moment I looked over my shoulder, "What? You thought I would come out of retirement to teach just _anybody_? The kid's got potential like I haven't seen in years. Hatsumei and Yumiko too." The entire room was silent and I shrugged, "Well fine, _don't_ say anything. Kermit-san, how'd your team do?"

"Mmm…not too good Jiraiya-sama, not too good," Kermit replied in what else? a perfect Muppet voice, "They're just too silly. I'm red flagging them all and recommended they take up careers as entertainers. They were doing silly things before I even used any genjutsu!" I nodded, "A good call then. Sensei?" Sensei blinked, "Right, Squad 13 confirmed, Hatsumei Fukusei, Yumiko Hyuga and Naruto Uzumaki under leadership of Jiraiya. Squad 14, fail, red flag."

Sensei brought the meeting to a close and I was immediately pounced by a pack of Clan Heads demanding to know just exactly what I intended to teach Naruto. I sighed at them, "Wow you people are really paranoid." They felt a moment of calm and then I grinned at them, "I'm teaching him everything I can. His physical transformation is the best trick I've seen since Minato and the Flying Raijin, and if I can get him to a point where he can replicate kekkai genkai with it, you better bet your butts I will. He doesn't have a clan, maybe you should see about getting someone to convince him to marry into one of yours?" Hiashi who had been listening from the back was suddenly wide-eyed. He clapped his hands to his head, "I've gotta go find Hinata!" He was gone in a flash, all the Hyuga in the room hot on his heels.

The other Jonin watched them go and then Inoichi started edging away, "I…just remembered I've got to help my wife water the flowers." Then he took off running and the other Clan Heads and clan shinobi quickly took off too. In a matter of seconds only me, Sensei, Kakashi, Gai, Erza, Luffy, Asuma and Kermit were left. Kakashi looked at me, "So, what all exactly did you teach him?"

I scratched my head trying to remember all of them, "Well, he learned Chakra Scalpel from Yumiko along with her enhanced version the Chakra Katana, and Hatsumei showed him Koumori. Then I taught all three of them the Body Flicker, then I taught Naruto, ah, lemme see," I started counting on my fingers, "Wind Release Gale Palm, he hasn't learned how to aim it yet to make it Great Breakthrough, Fire Release Dragon Flame and Yumiko's Fire Fist, Earth Release Headhunter Jutsu and Swamp of the Underworld, ah…crap, there was another one…Oh yeah the Rasengan. I couldn't believe how fast he learned that when I told him what he needed to do. I tell him make the ground muddy with his mind and he makes a ten foot mud wallow. I tell him make it sticky, _boom_ he turns it into a little Swamp of the Underworld. I tell him to imagine his breath getting hotter and hotter until it's fire and he breathes fire. I tell him spin and make the air whirl around him and he does the Gale Palm."

Everyone was staring now. "He learned three elemental releases and _the Rasengan_ in _one. Day?_ " Kakashi asked. I nodded, "Mmhmm. Surprised me too. A little bit. Turns out I can just tell him what the jutsu is supposed to do, walk him through the hand signs and he does it. He's not very efficient with his chakra, and as a result he's not producing nearly effect he should be with his reserves. His swamp's a glorified mud puddle, his dragon flame's a salamander and his gale is a breeze, but that's what practice is for. He might not be the sharpest tool in the shed intelligence wise, and I don't know that he'll ever be subtle. His taijutsu's a mess and I haven't tested his weapons skills or any genjutsu with him yet, but as far as learning ninjutsu, screw the Sharingan, this kid doesn't need it."

I scratched my head, "I think I'm going to work on getting him to where he can do the jutsu he learned today like a pro over the next week or two. Not gonna take any good missions until we get him to where he can keep up. Once he can keep up, I think we'll probably start with a C, go to a B, see how they do on a nice comfy B, if they're still breezing through it, then we might try an A if we can."

Then I grinned, "Who knows? Maybe we'll take a C-rank and it'll turn into an A-Rank." I shrugged with a smile, "Crazy things happen around kids like him!" Erza stepped forward with a smile, "I think I would like to meet this Naruto. Do you think you could introduce me? I want to see this surprise prodigy for myself." I smiled, who could turn down Erza? "Alright, but I would like to introduce you to another genin sometime who I think you might take an interest in. Gai, you're still teaching Tenten right?" Gai opened his mouth, realized what I wanted, and then face palmed for not thinking of it sooner, "I'm a fool!"

Erza looked at him curiously, "Who's Tenten?" "A young kunoichi who is very interested in and skilled with weapons," I replied, "I figure nothing but good things can come from introducing her to the Armored Wizard of Konoha." Erza smiled, "That does sound like a good idea. Gai-san, if Tenten would like to meet with me some time, I would be delighted to make her acquaintance." Gai bowed, "Thank you Erza-san, I will relay the invitation to her at once. We meet every day at Training Ground 9 in the morning for training." Erza smiled, "I'll be sure to drop by. Now then, take me to meet this Naruto."

I nodded with a smile, "Yes ma'am, right this way."

A few minutes later we were bouncing across the rooftops and Erza suddenly stopped me. I started to ask what she wanted and found a copy of Icha Icha in front of me, "Before we go to meet Naruto, can you sign my book? I'm a huge fan." I smiled, "Of course! Anything for my fans." I managed to sign Jiraiya's name correctly and handed Erza her book back. "I don't get why everyone says you're a pervert," Erza said with a smile, "These are extremely romantic stories."

"Partially because I peep at the baths," I replied with a smile, "I can't help it, women like you are too beautiful to _not_ peep at least a little. I would never press my advantage in a romantic situation though, there's a difference between lustful thoughts and acting on them. I can't help what my mind churns out, but I've never given so much as a kiss that wasn't consensual. While granted I've got the libido of a rabbit in spring, the pervert thing is mostly Tsunade and Orochimaru's work. Tsunade wanted to get back at me because breaking half the bones in my body apparently wasn't enough payback for the one time I ever peeped on her, and Orochimaru helped spread the rumors just to annoy me."

Erza was blushing as red as her hair and I wondered if I might have strayed into TMI territory then, "You think I'm beautiful?" I laughed, "Erza if anyone ever tells you you're not beautiful, cut their tongue out for being a liar! You're only a hair behind Tsunade in looks, and that's only because she's the love of my life," I paused and sobered slightly at that, "Not that she's ever reciprocated those feelings in the slightest." Erza suddenly hugged me, "Then she's a fool for not seeing what a big sweetheart you are." My body reacted as any man's would to having Erza Scarlet pressed to it and she stepped back slightly in surprise as it poked the front of her armor (she was considerably shorter than me/Jiraiya).

Erza smiled and blushed again, "Did I do that?" I smiled slightly embarrassed, "Yeah, don't worry about it, it does that." Erza caught my hand and started leading me away, "Nonsense. I caused the problem, I'll take care of it. Come on, I want to see if the mind behind my favorite books is as good as his writing, and I hear toads have very long tongues." I grinned, "Well now hold on a second," Erza paused curiously and I made a hand sign. Naruto's physical transformation hadn't actually been that hard to learn when I figured out what he was doing, not that I'd ever tell anyone else that.

A poof of smoke later I was thirty years younger. I wouldn't be able to maintain it for long due to the massive chakra output it required, but I smiled, "A woman as beautiful as you deserves a younger man than I usually am." Erza squeaked with delight and what followed was one of the best half hours of Jiraiya's life and mine put together. I silently sent whoever was writing this the biggest **THANK YOU!** of my life.

When Erza got home the next day, she found a bundle of roses, a small cake, signed copies of the entire Icha Icha series and a note thanking her for a great night. I passed by her apartment around midnight that evening to check on her and saw her through the window sitting on her bed reading excitedly by lamplight. I smiled and bounced away.

 **AN:** _So, first thing's first: Yumiko and Hatsumei. Yes, they are in fact approximately low Jonin level. They've had nothing to do for four years but train, and both are incredibly talented._

 _Hatsumei and his whole clan make a point of knowing all jutsu they can, whether those jutsu are supposed to be clan secrets or not, and they have two kekkai genkai, one is the Koumori, their bat transformation ability. The other doesn't have a name, but any kekkai genkai they and their partner have is guaranteed to be inherited by their offspring. This means that despite the usual rarity of Light Release, if Yumiko has children with Hatsumei, then all of their future descendants will have Light Release, as well as the Byakugan and Koumori. This is part of the reason the Fukusei aren't more disliked than they are already, having them on hand ensures that the village will never lose any kekkai genkai they might gain as long as there's a Fukusei willing to be a parent. This is also why the Byakugan and Sharingan are so prevalent, the Fukusei married members in back up the line, so now everyone descended from those Fukusei is guaranteed to get those kekkai genkai. The Koumori is a rather new addition to the Main Family of the Fukusei, which is why the Hyuga and Uchiha don't have it. So even though the clans may hate their guts for taking their jutsu whether they agree to it or not, they can't deny that the Fukusei are an incredibly valuable asset. This will all be explained again in later chapters because it has come to my attention that some people don't read my author notes, so when the explanation rolls around again, please just bear with me._

 _Yumiko is not a med-nin, but she has learned the chakra scalpel to augment her taijutsu. Yumiko is a Branch House Hyuga, but like Neji, she's a genius. There'll be more background on how she met Hatsumei and why she taught him Gentle Fist later._

 _Yes, Naruto is able to pick up ninjutsu with unbelievable speeds when given proper instruction. I know this is not how is in canon even with shadow clones, and I don't care. This is my story, it's an AU, I'm writing it how I please._

 _Yes Shino has 360 degree awareness from his bugs. This is a trait common to all Aburame in this story. They also have tremendous strength, not quite proportional to an ant, but still enough that they're the last people you want to take a punch from short of Might Gai or Tsunade._

 _Yes, Sasuke is out of the shinobi forces and he won't be coming back in. Sorry Sasuke fans, it makes no sense to me to even let him be an active duty shinobi when his blood line is that important and he's the only one left to continue it. Therefore, he's out and he's not coming back in. Don't worry too much, we'll probably still see him around from time to time._

 _Yes Erza will be a recurring side character, as will Luffy and Kermit. The other characters they tested who failed with yellow flags may show up again eventually as well. Erza is an S-Rank shinobi and retains much similarity to how she is in Fairy Tail. The only difference is that she now uses sealing jutsu to do her Requips. Luffy is a taijutsu specialist augmenting his fighting with his rubber body which is now an advanced transformation jutsu like Konan's or the Akimichi's expansion jutsus. Kermit is a genjutsu specialist on par with Kurenai specializing in musical genjutsus._

 _Yes Jiraiya and Erza did have sex and may do it again. Someone actually commented on the last chapter that they missed Jiraiya being a pervert, well fret not, Jiraiya will still have his mysteriously high amount of game, and this is far from the only entertaining adult encounter he'll have. If I get 10 comments asking for it, I can go back and go into more detail on this encounter and do so for all future encounters._

 _I do hope you have enjoyed this chapter and I'll have the next one here as soon as I can. Also, if you have a moment, you might consider going back to chapter 1 and reading the Update to Chapter 1's author note explaining why I decided to make Naruto's ability to physically transform however he pleases something unique to Naruto._


	3. Chapter 3: One For The Money

Chapter 3 – One For The Money

==One Week Later==

I watched as Naruto slammed the posts Yumiko had carved with her lightning imbued chakra katanas into the ground using Headhunter Jutsu. He was doing quite well with it. He had quickly gotten the burrowing down pat so thoroughly that by the third day of his training with it Yumiko had dubbed him a land shark as he zoomed about beneath the training field. Now I had set him to work on what I figured was an advanced version, forcing things six feet under from a distance without having to burrow and get close to do it.

It had taken him a little bit of time to get the hang of forcing the ground to collapse when he wasn't right on top of it, but now he could do it inside the same range as his Swamp of the Underworld easily. That had also grown quite a bit, and Naruto could now make ridiculously sticky mud wallows twenty feet in diameter if he started it with himself at the edge. If he started with himself in the middle, he could extend the jutsu fifteen feet in all directions.

I turned to check on Yumiko and Hatsumei. Since each of the three had different skill sets, I had set up different schedules for each of them. We all started the morning with two hours of taijutsu, which was split into two hours of one-on-one, and then fifteen minutes of teamwork practice. Our two hours of one-on-one consisted of approximately fifteen rounds of cycling through two minute matchups, six minutes per cycle. I would fight one of them while the other two fought each other before switching opponents. When that was done whichever of us hadn't fought would switch. When that was done we'd take a two minute break to address any significant injuries and start over.

I was no Tsunade, but I knew a thing or two about patching people up. Orochimaru and I had pestered her into teaching us the basics of medial jutsu in case she ever got hurt. She had been remarkably pig-headed and contrary about it given her later idea of wanting a medic on every team. We eventually talked her into it though and now I could heal most minor (for shinobi) injuries. The results of our sparring matches were certainly within my abilities. The worst anyone got was a broken nose when Naruto had run into one of Yumiko's punches.

Yumiko had been quite mortified to have hurt him, but that hadn't stopped her from scolding him to be more careful. Naruto was remarkably easy to patch up, way easier than anybody else I had ever met. His body so highly responsive to the medical jutsu that I was starting to wonder if his ability to physically transform was more than just a jutsu.

After our one-on-one time we'd have a little three on one, all three of them against one of me and either two of my shadow clones or my summon toads. That was always very interesting. Thus far they hadn't managed to beat me yet, but they sure as hell came close on a regular basis. These team sessions also tended to be when the three of them pulled out new tricks.

Naruto had revealed a new variation of his transformation jutsu that let him stretch his arms like taffy and made me make a note of the need to introduce him to Luffy. Hatsumei had broken out some kind of sound based jutsu that did terrible things to my balance and made me seriously consider introducing him to a certain green haired shinobi named after a very famous frog. Yumiko had actually managed to use her Chakra Scalpels in conjunction with her Light Release. That still stung quite a bit now that I thought about it. She hadn't even gotten a proper hit on me, but mere contact with Light Release was enough to incinerate flesh and I was still recovering from the inch deep crater her glancing strike had left in my the side of my upper arm. If she had connected with something vital the strike could've been fatal easily, it was easily as dangerous as a Chidori I thought as I absentmindedly raised a hand to the bandage and channeled a little chakra to it to make it heal a little faster.

Afternoons were where they got individual training. I'd make shadow clones for each of them and work with them on what they needed or wanted to work on. With Naruto I spent four days a week working on his various ninjutsu. Progress on improvement was slow, but that was only in comparison to the speed with which he had picked up the jutsu. Thankfully though, that was actually pretty damn quick, especially compared to regular shinobi. I'd spend one afternoon a week on each element, then the fourth on his non-elemental techniques, the Chakra Scalpel/Katana, Rasengan, Body Flicker and Transformation, and day five was combined application of them along with his taijutsu and elemental jutsus. Erza had found Naruto utterly adorable and taken an immediate liking to him, and he to her, so Naruto also went and trained with Erza and I heard Tenten as well now on Saturday afternoons for weapon work.

Yumiko was unbelievably skilled with all her techniques, so we spent most of our time trying to figure out new jutsu for her to use with her Light Release. In the mean time I had convinced her to work on extending the reach on her Chakra Katana while imbuing it with her Light Release. "It doesn't matter about the width of it Yumiko," I told her, "Even if it's little more than a wire, once you imbue it with Light Release it'll cut through anything like it's a battle axe, so imagine how devastating a twenty-foot battle axe extended from each hand would be." Yumiko had blinked and then grinned and gotten right to work. I had an idea for what to do with some of her other techniques, but I wanted her to get her Light Release down first since that was probably her most dangerous element.

Kekkai Genkai mixed-elements were tricky, especially Light Release. A lot of the other mixed elements could be countered by basic elements, Dust and Ice Release could be countered by Fire hot enough to melt them, Lava could be countered by Water which cooled it, Boil and Blast could be countered to an extent by Wind which could blow their by-products away and keep their users at bay, Smoke Release was even more vulnerable to Wind, Wood could be beaten by hot enough fire, but Thunder, Light, and Storm Release were the tricky ones.

Thunder Release was essentially sound, it could be transferred through any medium and only a strong enough concussion could deflect that aspect of it, but it also had the combined cutting and burning powers of Wind and Lightning, so even a strong concussion like what Blast release could produce wasn't a sure thing. Light Release could vaporize anything on contact and Storm was like stable, prehensile, stretchy lightning. The other thing about Light Release that made it so dangerous was that so very incredibly few people had it. Nobody really knew what it could do aside from vaporize entire battalions when the Tsuchikage got pissed, and it didn't have any known counters as anybody who might have lived through one of the Tsuchikage's jutsu didn't last long enough against him to tell the tale. When the Tsuchikage took the field, his allies took to their heels to avoid the getting caught in the crossfire and his enemies took dirt naps if they didn't run away too. That was something else we'd have to work on I mused, a way to actually _counter_ Light Release in case we ever went to war with Iwa again.

Hatsumei had far more jutsu than Naruto and Yumiko put together. His arsenal couldn't quite rival Orochimaru's bag of tricks when he had been that age, but I couldn't for the life of me think of anyone else who'd had that many jutsu up their sleeves at that age. His total included the ones he had shown me that first day along with all the standard Nara Clan Shadow jutsu, the Inuzuka's All Fours Jutsu, Asuma's Burning Ash Pile and Hiding in Ash jutsus, standard Fireball jutsu and some basic genjutsu plus a variation of the Yamanaka's mind jutsu that allowed him to listen in on a person's internal monologue. I currently had him learning the fine art of massive area destruction. He had helped Yumiko develop the Chakra Katana and he had learned how to stream it off the tips of his wings in his man-bat form as well as how to imbue them with fire chakra while he did it. So I set him to practicing his Tunneling Blaze Fang while using his Chakra Fire Katana with his wings. The result was a Tunneling Blaze Fang approximately double its usual size, which had already been pretty big due to Hatsumei's wings. The final result was almost twenty feet in diameter.

After a few minutes watching him do that I had figured out how to make it even better, so when he had paused for a breather I patted him on the shoulder, "When you get this down, I want you to add Expansion Jutsu to it on your wings." He had been stunned for a moment, then looked at his wing, then looked at me, "What are you training me to kill?!" "Fortresses," I replied bluntly.

He had stared at me for a moment and then nodded, "Ok boss, if you say so." I patted him on the shoulder, "Your kids will have Yumiko's Light Release yeah? Imagine when they can use _that_ in conjunction with this Giant Tunneling Fang technique." Hatsumei's eyes widened and after a second, "They'd be able to punch through mountains!" I nodded, "Or enemy fortifications, or battalions of enemies, or giant summon creatures, or anything else really. See why it's a good thing to know?" Hatsumei nodded, "Guess that's why you're the boss." I laughed, "Sure! We'll go with that!"

I smiled as I watched him take off again like a massive spinning comet of flames. It took him a few more days to get to where he could do it without tiring himself out tremendously in the process, and by the time he had gotten there, Yumiko had managed to imbue her Chakra Katanas with her Light Release and extend them almost four feet. Naruto had gotten all four of his elemental techniques down far better than any genin had any right to be as well as learned how to transform his arms into wings like Hatsumei's Koumori. As I watched them train the afternoon of our fifteenth day together, I and both my clones thought at the same time with a smile, "Looks like it's time for that C-Rank."

==After Lunch==

We strolled into the mission office. Since it was after lunch, most people had been in and gotten their missions already. I smiled and waved a little as I saw Sarutobi-sensei, "Hey Sensei, Squad Thirteen looking for a C-Rank. Got anything for us?" Sensei sat back and examined me coolly, "You do realize that most genin squads take several D-Rank missions before ever even attempting a C-Rank right?" I smiled, "Yes I do, but Squad Thirteen is not most genin squads. Hatsumei and Yumiko have done hundreds of D-Ranks between them. Naruto's the only rookie, and he's got me and both of them to back him up. Plus he's a tough little cookie to boot."

Sensei frowned, "Hmm…Valid points. However I'm afraid tradition dictates that I'm still going to have to insist you do at least a few D-Ranks with Naruto before I can give you a C-Rank." I thought for a moment and then grinned in a way that earned a concerned expression from Sensei. I patted Naruto on the head, "Kid, turn around." We turned around and I crouched down before doing the handsign for the Multi-shadowclone jutsu. Naruto immediately copied me as he had learned to do, and I told him, "Alright kid, standard clone jutsu, but imagine them a little bit harder, more solid. You've got to force them into existence. It'll take more out of you than usual so you might actually feel the drain from it, but I want you to make five clones for now. We'll work on making more later. Okay?"

Naruto nodded and scrunched his eyes closed scowling in concentration, a moment later there was a massive explosion of smoke and suddenly the room was jam packed full of Naruto's. I looked over at the original and nodded, "Kid, ya overdid it." I turned around and stood up to look at Sarutobi-Sensei with a Naruto Shadow-Clone on my head, "Okay Sensei, now what was that about needing to do some D-Ranks?" Sensei looked at the clone in his lap in consternation before looking at me between the three sitting on the mission desk, "Jiraiya, you know that's a forbidden jutsu." The few shinobi working as clerks that day looked at him and then me between the sea of orange in shock and confusion.

I nodded slightly so as not to dislodge the one on my head, the comedic effect was just too good, "Forbidden because it requires far too much chakra for ordinary shinobi to do. As I said though, my team, including Naruto, is far from ordinary. Look at him! All these clones and he's not even sweating," I added as I gestured to him. He looked up at me, "Jiraiya-Sensei, you didn't tell me that was a forbidden jutsu."

I looked down at him, "Like I said, it was only forbidden because most people don't have a fraction of your chakra and would drive themselves to chakra exhaustion trying to do it. You have enough chakra to do it easily, so I had no problem with teaching it to you. There was no need to give you a mental block by telling you it was a forbidden jutsu that most Jonin can't do." Naruto thought about it for a moment and then, "But how did you know I could do it?"

What was I supposed to tell him? It was almost destined to be one of his signature jutsu if canon was to be believed? Not a chance, I put a hand on his head and ruffled his hair, "Because I've got faith in ya Naruto. That's what teachers do for their students." Naruto blinked and then smiled. I smiled back and then looked at Sarutobi-sensei, "So Sensei, D-Ranks?" He threw the daily list of D-Ranks at me. I caught it easily, "Alright team, let's go!"

==The Next Day==

With fifty Narutos on hand we had managed to finish over thirty D-Ranks that afternoon, everything that was left on the list, so the next morning when we went back to the mission office Sensei sighed, "Ok, C-Ranks. We've got a variety available. There's a wolf problem about two day's travel north of here, two guard duties, three escort jobs, and a bandit problem in the Land of Hot Springs." I thought about it for a moment, "What are the guard and escort missions?"

Sensei looked over them, "One is for a notoriously boisterous festival a ways north of here that has been known to devolve into riots regularly, the other is a simple guard posting for a few weeks on the border with the Land of Rivers. The first escort mission is a merchant headed for the Land of Earth with his convoy. That mission is a joint job that will have you turn over guard duty to a team of Waterfall shinobi at a rendezvous point, but you'll be headed back in a month if you're available then for a B-Rank escort job when they come back with their merchandise. The second is the same deal headed for the Land of Lightning, and you'll be handing over your client to a team of Cloud nin and that one is actually already on his return trip, so there's no follow up for that one. Number three is a famous chef going home to the Land of Water, once again you'll be handing over custody of him to a team of Mist nin in the capitol of the Land of Noodles."

I weighed my options, "How's the money for each of them?" "60,000 ryo for the wolves, same for the bandits but you get to keep whatever you take back from them to do with as you please, so there will probably be more. The festival job is 90,000. The escort job to Waterfall is 50,000 for the first run and 150,000 for the one in a month. The escort to Lightning country is 80,000, and the one to Noodles is 50,000 plus he'll cook for you." I drummed my fingers on the desk mulling the options over and then I counted the missions on my fingers and grinned.

I pulled a six sided die out of the seal I kept all my entertainment stuff in, "Naruto, roll this die." Everyone looked at me in confusion, but Naruto went ahead, took the die, shook it and rolled it on the mission desk, "Six!" he proclaimed dutifully. I smiled, "Bandits in Hot Spring country. Good roll kid."

==Three Days Later==

I was not smiling as we stood there in the office of the man who had hired us, Joki Sen, the head of the Village Hidden in the Steam. I was less than amused because he had not just hired us, he had also hired a team from Waterfall and another one from Cloud. The Cloud team I recognized, the ones from Waterfall I only recognized one of: Samui, Omoi, Karui from Cloud and Fuu from Hidden Waterfall. The Cloud team's sensei I had already guessed to be Killer Bee as they didn't have a Jonin with them and were still too young to be anything other than genin, they were hardly older than Naruto if they were at all, so I was currently giving our employer an irritated glare alongside Samui and a Waterfall Jonin named Haru.

"Care to explain?" I asked calmly. Joki gestured helplessly, "I wasn't sure anyone would respond, so I hedged my bets. I was going to pay for a B-Rank when whatever team got here and dealt with the problem." "You were going to pay for a B-Rank to get rid of some bandits?" I asked icily, "That sounds fishy."

He sweated a little more, "Well yes. It's incredibly crucial that these bandits be stopped, they're stronger than ordinary bandits or we would've handled it ourselves. I know we're not much of a shinobi village anymore, but we can at least handle normal bandits. These ones are something else though, and they seem to have it in for us. They've been hitting locations we guard and slaughtering not just our shinobi but everyone they can catch for over a month! It'll destroy our economy if people don't feel safe coming here anymore, and then what'll we do?"

I thought about it for a moment and then tried to remember if Hidan was a missing-nin in this world yet, I couldn't recall having heard his name so I asked, "Do you have a shinobi named Hidan in your ranks? White hair, swings a scythe, absurdly hard to kill, bit touched in the head?" Joki went as pale as a ghost immediately, "H-how do you know about him?"

I sighed, "I know a lot of things. Now I'm going to guess that his name just hasn't made it into the Bingo Books yet because of where he's from, but would you like to explain just exactly when that nut ball went rogue so we can get an idea of how long he's been running and possibly training these bandits?" Everyone looked at me. " _He's_ behind the bandits?!" Joki gaped.

"It seems a safe bet," I replied, "Why else would they be hitting harder targets? Why are they suddenly able to overpower your shinobi? Why are they tearing the foundation out from under their own livelihood by scaring everybody into not wanting to come here? This isn't about money, it's about revenge. So, _how long?_ " "Six months," Joki whispered in horror.

I sighed before looking at Samui and the Waterfall Jonin, "This is well beyond the scope of a C-Rank, I'd classify this as an A-Rank given how dangerous Hidan is." They both looked at me, the Jonin with skepticism and Samui with concern. "Surely a Steam shinobi isn't that strong," Haru said derisively. "Correct me if I'm wrong Joki, but did I hear right that he's effectively immortal and if he gets a taste of your blood and can stay inside his seal then any injuries he takes are shared by whoever's blood he's tasted?" Joki nodded so I continued, "That's his _big_ trick, but I don't know that he doesn't have more. He's sadistic, masochistic, psychotic and massively homicidal. _I'm_ sure as hell not getting close to the bastard," I replied bluntly.

Haru looked at me with concern, "Seriously?" I nodded, "If he's managed to make these bandits half as hard to kill as he is, then we've got our work cut out for us. Even if he hasn't, just putting him down is going to be a pain in the ass." I sighed and when I opened my eyes I dropped a pulse of killing intent, "Joki, you're coughing up for an A-Rank for the Waterfall team and the Cloud team if either of them still want to help with this. My team is two Chunin level shinobi, my personal apprentice and _me_ , we can handle this and I've got enough money to cover their pay, so I'm not going to _make_ you pay for the rest of _our_ A-Rank, but you've got no business dragging these kids into a fight with an immortal and his possibly immortal army, _especially_ without adequate pay."

Joki nodded, completely cowed, "Yes sir." I nodded, "Good, I need a map of all the places these bandits have struck." Joki handed me a scroll, "We thought it might help." I accepted it with a nod, "Very good. We're going to step outside to confer with our teams and we'll be back in a moment to let you know which of us are willing to continue this mission."

We stepped outside to the where our teams were waiting, "Jiraiya-Sensei! Fuu says I'm a Jinchuriki for the Nine-Tailed Fox!" I froze for a second and then I loomed at him, "And what if you are?" Naruto looked surprised and confused. "So what if you are the host of the Nine-Tailed Fox?" I demanded, "You are no less you because of it! You are Naruto! If you happen to have a house guest sealed into your gut, then big whoop! What matters is not _what_ you may be. What is most important is who you _choose_ to be, and have you ever chosen to be anyone but you?"

"Um well I guess not…" Naruto replied. "Then it doesn't matter does it?" I asked, "If you are you then you are not the fox and nobody who ever takes even a moment to get to know you would ever think you were the Nine-Tailed Fox! So it doesn't matter if you're a Jinchuriki, you're my student, and Hatsumei and Yumiko's teammate! You are Iruka's student and friend, the surprise genius who just needed the right teacher to surpass his entire class. You are no fox, you are Naruto Uzumaki, and let nobody tell you otherwise!"

I patted my very stunned student on the head with a smile, "And yes, you are the Jinchuriki of the Nine-Tails. I wasn't supposed to tell you because it's an S-Ranked secret, but now ya know. Thanks Fuu. There's a lot to tell you but we'll be there for ya every step of the way. 'Kay?" Naruto blinked and then nodded with a smile. I straightened up and looked around at the others, "Now then, let's see, Haru, Samui, you two should go ahead and confer with your teams about whether or not to continue with this mission."

I looked at my team before the Waterfall and Cloud teams could take off to confer in private, "Team, we've stepped off in a gigantic pile of rancid manure! The bandits we were hired to take out are most likely being organized and possibly trained by an A or even S-Ranked missing-nin. If we don't put a stop to his antics, the entire northern end of the Land of Hot Springs may become highly unsafe. This has its ups and downs as it would be immensely profitable by way of all the new escort missions that would arise from this area becoming unsafe, but as the only land route to the Lands of Frost and Lightning we cannot allow this madness to continue lest the Lands of Frost and Lightning be cut off from the mainland by a sea of insane bloodthirsty cultists. So will we continue with this now A-Ranked mission which I have a plan for, or will we chicken out and go get reinforcements?"

Everyone looked at me owlishly. Then Samui turned to Omoi and Karui, "You heard the man. Are we cool to keep going for the sake of the entire Land of Lightning?" Omoi tried to weigh the options and proceeded to fall off into a quagmire of indecision before Karui put him in a casual one-armed headlock and declared, "We're in." Samui smiled, "Cool." She turned to me and bowed slightly, "Jiraiya-sama, if you continue with this mission we will defer to you as mission commander until the job is complete, if that's cool with you." I smiled, "Frosty." Samui blinked and then smiled as she got it.

I looked at my team, "Team?" Hatsumei and Yumiko swapped a glance, "We're in." Naruto thought about it for a moment, then he grinned, "Yeah! Let's do it!" I looked at the Waterfall team, "Haru? You guys in?" Haru thought about it for a moment and then sighed, "I wish we could Jiraiya-sama, but Fuu _is_ our Jinchuriki as you may have guessed by now. Kakuzu-sama would have my head if anything happened to her. If it weren't for this Hidan guy, I'd be all for it, but I can't risk anything happening to Fuu. She's just too important."

"Senseeeii!" Fuu whined, "I'm not a child! I'm a genin! I want to help!" Haru knelt down and put a hand on her shoulder, "You are a genin Fuu, but you are also a child, and you are very important to the whole village. If this guy is as tough as Jiraiya-sama thinks he is, then he's almost strong enough to fight Kakuzu-sama. If he came after you, I wouldn't be able to save you. I'm just making the safe call on this one. Don't worry, we'll find another C-Rank as soon as we get home, okay?"

Fuu made a discontented noise and fidgeted, but then she sighed, "Fine." Her two teammates sighed in relief and I think Haru did too a little bit. Then she seemed to teleport and glomp Naruto in a hug, "You had better write me!" Naruto blinked and then he smiled and hugged her back, "Of course I will dattebayo!"

Samui cleared her throat, "Um, I don't know if it's worth mentioning, but our Sensei is one of Hidden Cloud's Jinchuriki, should I tell him to write you two?" "Yes!" Fuu exclaimed enthusiastically. Samui smiled, "I'll tell him. It may be all in rhyme, but I'm sure he'd be delighted to make your acquaintance, even if it is just through writing."

==Three Hours Later==

Naruto had become embroiled in an argument with the Cloud team about who had the cooler sensei. This was the first real point of contention that had come up between them. They'd been getting along swimmingly the entire time they'd been talking. Now though Naruto was looking more and more frustrated by the minute because he didn't actually know the answers to a lot of the Cloud Team's questions about my capabilities. They on the other hand knew Killer Bee extremely well, so they were able to come up with far more things to put on the list of his good points than Naruto was able to come up with for mine. Hatsumei and Yumiko could've pitched in, but they were keeping their far sharper than human senses peeled to make sure we didn't walk into an ambush or stroll right past Hidan's hideout.

Finally Naruto sped up a little to catch up with me, "Jiraiya-Sensei, can you rap?" I looked down at him and replied in a carrying voice, "Well don't know about my timin', surely though I am a rhymin' so perhaps just since you ask I'll give this rappin thing a go. Gotta get my rhythm and my flow, so gimme just a mo'." I pondered my next lines for a second and then continued, "I'm meticulous, ridiculous, got plans oh so precipitous. Make no mistake, my mark I'll make, I'm Jiraiya the Toad Sage. Despite my age, just turn the page and I'll be on top again. Trained number four, now I'm back for more, my teammates are scattered, our rep's been tattered, Sannin no more, but I'll settle the score. Gonna catch that snake and his neck I'll break. My girl, my whole world, never cared for me none, but I'll bring her back yet, just consider that done. Know my name know my fame so you won't be lame, Jiraiya is back and I'm winnin' this game!"

There was a moment of stunned silence and I paused to look over my shoulder as I realized that the kids had stopped. Naruto was grinning smugly and the Cloud team were staring at me. "Told ya he's awesome!" Naruto declared. "He can rap," Samui corrected, "Bee-Sensei is still ten to one cooler." I drew myself up to my full height, "And just what are the nine things Bee can do that make him cooler than me?"

Samui raised her hands and started counting on her fingers, "He's a Jinchuriki with full control so he can unleash the Oni-King at will, he's a master of Lightning Release, he's a sword master, he's virtually impervious to genjutsu, he's the Raikage's brother, he's an excellent cook, he's funny, he has hundreds of fans in Hidden Cloud and he can rap as he fights."

I grinned, "I am a master of Earth Fire Water and Wind Release, not to mention the fact that I know senjutsu which is how I got the title Toad Sage, I can summon multiple toads big enough to fight the Oni-King and still be in the fight alongside them, The Third Hokage was my Jonin Instructor and _I_ was the Fourth Hokage's Jonin Instructor, not to mention he only got the hat after I turned it down, I can cook fairly well myself believe it or not, my humor and writing have earned me tens of _thousands_ of fans all across the elemental nations, _and_ I can devise and implement extremely complex fuinjutsu on the fly as I'm fighting. I believe that brings the score to eleven to ten in my favor."

Naruto grinned, Samui and Karui were looking very annoyed and Omoi was looking decidedly put out. Then I reached over and lightly swatted Naruto, "But regardless of who's cooler Naruto, you shouldn't argue with ladies! Be a gentleman, nod, smile and be polite. If you must disagree with a lady, then do so in a passive manner that does not imply that they are in the wrong. For example if Samui said Bee is cooler than me, you should reply with something like, 'Oh really? Tell me more. He must really be something else if he tops Jiraiya-sensei.' Then you can have a pleasant discussion about how great Bee and I am without it turning into an argument."

Naruto and the Cloud kids pondered that and I turned to Hatsumei and Yumiko, "Hats, can you fly up with Yumiko and look around to see if there's anything nearby worth investigating?"

==That Night==

I didn't know whose idea it was to play strip-poker, all I knew was that when I walked up on the four younger members of the team Samui was topless, Karui was down to her undershirt and underwear, Omoi was sitting there in his boxers and Naruto had yet to lose any clothes at all. I looked around, "Who's winning?" "Naruto," Karui growled. "He hasn't lost a hand yet," Samui added, "I'd accuse him of cheating if not for the fact that Bee-Sensei has the same insane amount of luck with games of chance. He's actually been banned from over half the casinos in the Land of Lightning because of his insane luck. Yugito-Sensei doesn't gamble but she's the only person who's ever played cards with Bee-Sensei and won. I guess it's a Jinchuriki thing. If it would be cool with you I'd like to take Naruto to a casino sometime."

I raised an eyebrow, "They let kids your age gamble in the Land of Lightning?" Samui raised an eyebrow, made a hand sign, transformed into her adult self, still topless, and gave me, Naruto and Omoi a concerted nosebleed. "Good point," I conceded, "Yeah, after we deal with Hidan and his gang you two can go to a casino. I'll give Naruto a small percentage of his pay and hang onto the rest of it until you two get back in case his luck doesn't hold. I fully expect you two to clean em out." Samui grinned, "Cool." "Do I get a kiss if we win big?" Naruto asked. Samui thought about it and then leaned over to him and whispered something in his ear that gave him such a nosebleed he fainted.

Omoi and I stared and then I started laughing, "That's my boy!"

==Late The Next Day==

Hatsumei and Yumiko had spotted the bandits' stronghold from the air. If we went all night, we'd be there in the morning. We stopped for the night and set off again in the morning. We arrived just as the sun was going down. I had to give it to Hidan, he knew how to pick his villainous lairs. An abandoned samurai fortress on top of a rocky outcrop in the middle of a wide field would be a tricky proposition to storm, and my original plan of having Naruto use his multi-shadow-clone jutsu in conjunction with Headhunter jutsu was out due to the rocky nature of the outcrop the fortress was sitting on. Naruto could burrow through dirt easily, solid rock on the other hand I had a feeling would be another matter entirely.

Thankfully though, Hidan wasn't as smart as I am. He had neglected to draw a massive version of his seal around the fortress to make an attack less tenable, which is what I would've done. Of course, there was also a chance he might need a new seal every time he ingested blood, or that he couldn't prepare seals in advance, or that it was one seal to a person, but regardless of what it was, I wasn't risking my team.

I turned to the team, "Ok team, this is one of those times where we must think outside the box. Consider this a test of your planning skills. Our objective is the wholesale annihilation of the enemy. I want plans. Hatsumei, you're first." Hatsumei thought about it, "I could rain paper bombs on them from above and force them out into your Swamp of the Underworld jutsu where we could pick them off at will." I nodded, "Very good. Yumiko?" "Do you have a summon toad big enough to just squash the fortress?" Yumiko asked. I nodded, "There are several I could call. Naruto?"

Naruto thought about it, "I could send in my clones with paper bombs to blow them all up." I nodded, "Good, good. Samui?" Samui was quiet for a few moments, "If it were just me and my team I would not attack their fortress directly. I would set up ambushes for them in the surrounding woods and pick them off one by one. If they have only received training for six months at most then they surely can't be more than genin, and even if they're immortal, as long as they don't rapidly regenerate, our lightning should be able to dismember them sufficiently to keep them from presenting a threat while we figure out what to do with them."

I nodded, "Very good. Karui?" Karui scratched her head, "Ahhh…plans aren't really my strong suit, but if Naruto can make clones that can carry bombs then I say we give the clones kunai and have them fight until they can't anymore and _then_ explode." I nodded, "Very good, Omoi?" Omoi thought about it, "Ah, uhm, lemme think…Ah ok, I got it! We send in Hatsumei with the bombs from above to drive them out, then we have Yumiko, you're an archer right? You shoot them as they're coming out, maybe with exploding arrows, then we have Jiraiya-sama's Swamp thing waiting for them at the bottom and then Naruto's clones can swarm them once they're stuck and the three of us and Jiraiya-sama can act as roving trouble shooters to take down any of them that aren't stuck. Or, no, no, wait I got i.." I set a hand on his head, "You shouldn't second guess yourself so much Omoi, that is a very good plan."

Omoi fell quiet with a small smile and I grinned, "Now, let me tell you all _my_ plan."

==Half an Hour Later==

There's nothing quite like watching your students turn a fortress into rubble in ten minutes flat. Naruto sent a small army of his clones slithering across the field and used Swamp of the Underworld on the rock. On his own his Swamp of the Underworld wasn't strong enough to turn the rock to mud, but it was enough to soften it into dirt. The clones burrowed in and proceeded to act as termites to a rotten tree on the inside of the outcrop. In minutes they had eaten away all but a lone column of stone under the fortress in total silence with sufficient stealth that nobody inside the fortress detected them and ran outside to see what was happening. It looked rather like the fortress was seated atop an apple core maybe two meters thick at the thinnest point.

Once the fortress was held aloft by no more than ten feet of rock and a single narrow wall of stone, the Naruto clones plastered the core of stone with paper bombs and proceeded to retreat out from under the newly made death trap. Once they were outside the crash zone, they used the last of the chakra that formed them to turn the area around the crash zone into a giant Swamp of the Underworld. Naruto made a second wave of clones which burrowed out beneath the new Swamp of the Underworld and lay in wait. After a moment for them to get in position, I signaled Hatsumei to begin raining paper bombs down on the fortress.

I had given him a couple of seal loads of them. We'd had Yumiko check, there was nobody in that fortress who didn't want to be there, just a small army of bandits with the same sort of sick unnatural looking purple chakra. So we felt no compunction at all about having Hatsumei drop ten seals loaded with a hundred paper bombs each into the fortress. Once the first nine were set, Hatsumei planted the tenth one right outside the front gate, and directly over the break off point for the ledge the fortress was sitting on.

He flew back and gave Yumiko the all clear. Yumiko grinned as she sighted her first shot and let fly, right on target to hit the mass of paper bombs outside the front gate. A moment later she loosed the second one at the column holding the fortress up. The two arrows struck in unison and all the paper bombs went off at once. The fortress was obliterated just as its foundation collapsed out from under it.

The Cloud team stared at mine as a handful of immortal bandits came stumbling out of the wreckage to see who had attacked them. They got stuck in Naruto's Swamp of the Underworld and Naruto's clones buried them up to their heads the instant they were caught. I looked at Yumiko, "Any still in there?" Yumiko looked at the burning wreckage with her Byakugan, "A few, but it looks like all the immortals are either already out and caught or pulling themselves out of the wreckage. If we give it a minute they should all be out and we'll be clear to proceed with the extermination." I nodded, "Hatsumei, prepare the second wave in case they wise up and try to stay in there. Naruto, how are your clones holding up?" "Haven't lost any yet Sensei," Naruto replied with a grin.

Then a voice drawled from behind us, "Well, aren't _you_ the clever bunch?" We whirled and were horrified to see Hidan standing right behind us. To this day, I don't know how he managed to sneak up on us. All I can guess is that he wasn't in the fort when we began our assault, was damn good at sneaking up on people and we were all focused on what was going on with the fort. Terrible lapse in judgement on our part that I made a note to never ever repeat.

Hidan swung his scythe and slashed the entire Cloud team in one swing. I charged him, hell bent on getting him off the ground where he couldn't make that damn seal, keeping their blood out of his mouth in case he was already in the seal, and getting him out of it if he was. Judging by the look on Hidan's face when I body slammed him, he hadn't been expecting that. I drove him backwards and into a tree before forcing him up it and holding him there by the throat with one hand. He tried to get me with his scythe but I caught it between the blades with my free hand. It cut me a little, but I was able to rip it from Hidan's grasp. Before he could yank on the cable my hand snapped up and latched onto his wrist, forcing his arm straight so that he couldn't use his scythe.

I started to squeeze, "Kids! Are you feeling any constriction around your throats?" "Nothing here Jiraiya-Sama!" Samui called in a pained voice. I crushed Hidan's wrist. He barked and swore and kicked at me, but I didn't really care if he kicked me, "Still good back there kids?" "All good!" Samui called. I grinned, "Goodbye Hidan." I let go of his broken wrist and clamped my hand over his head, "Boom." I made a Rasengan with my palm pressed to Hidan's forehead. Hidan howled in pain and then he went limp and blood started pouring out of his nose, ears and mouth. I dropped him, "Still good back there you three?"

"Aside from the big bloody painful cut on my arm yeah," Samui replied dryly. I formed up another Rasengan and thrust it into Hidan's chest, it burrowed in and decimated everything inside his chest cavity. I pulled out a kunai and lopped his head off for good measure. It didn't start talking to me, so I assume the splattering-his-brain-all-over-the-inside-of-his-head thing worked, but I sealed it into a scroll just in case.

I walked back over to the team, "Ok, Yumiko, any more left to be caught?" Yumiko shook her head, "We got 'em all." I nodded, "Good, Yumiko, you stay here and help the Cloud team patch up their wounds. If anyone unfriendly shows up, use your secret weapon." Yumiko nodded. I looked at Hatsumei and Naruto, "You two come with me." We proceeded to systematically exterminate Hidan's flunkies. Naruto decapitated them since he was the only one who could move unhindered in his Swamp of the Underworld. Once he had decapitated them he threw their still swearing heads back to us. Hatsumei would catch them and I would seal them.

Once all the heads were severed and sealed, Naruto gave his clones the go ahead to drag the bodies out. After retrieving Hidan's body, Hatsumei and I joined Naruto and his clones in a massive concerted fire jutsu that quickly reduced all the bodies to ash and charred bones. The smell was rather potent, but I was far too satisfied with how well the plan had gone to complain. The entire assault, including clean up, took less than an hour.

==A Week Later==

"So," Sensei said as we stood in his office to report, "Who wants to explain why I can hear the sound of every casino owner between here and the Village Hidden in the Steam sobbing in despair?" I chuckled, "Well, it was mostly Samui's idea. Naruto was revealed in passing to be a Jinchuriki by Hidden Waterfall's Jinchuriki, and Jinchuriki apparently have the luck of devils something that the Land of Lightning's casinos apparently learned the hard way when the Raikage's brother discovered his incredible luck. So we sent Samui and Naruto to a casino with Yumiko and Hatsumei undercover to ensure they weren't cheated and didn't get into trouble. I was on standby with Samui's teammates in case things went sour. It turns out we needn't have worried."

I smiled, "By the third hand they had called Samui off to the side because they realized she was using a transformation jutsu to look older. Apparently whatever they're using can't detect Naruto's physical transformation. Naruto doubled his money that round after she stepped away, so they decided to test his luck with a slot machine. Yumiko and Hatsumei confirmed it was completely tamperproof and the odds really were exactly what they were stated to be. The odds of a jackpot were 300 to 1. They challenged Naruto to put down a 100,000 ryo bet, a fortieth of what he'd made by then. He made the bet, pulled the lever and hit the jackpot."

Sensei raised an eyebrow and I continued, "After that Samui and Naruto decided it best to find another establishment to play at. They went outside and Hatsumei and Yumiko checked the slot machines at four more casinos, all of which had similar odds. Naruto hit the jackpot on all of them at the same time using his Shadow Clones. Naruto won a hundred and fifty million ryo right then and there. Half of it was Samui's because half of what he'd bet was her money, but he kept the other half. The next night we hit a different town, and this time we all sent money in with him. We each multiplied the money we bet on Naruto by over a thousand because he was able to hit every casino in town before any of them could warn the others. After that we cleaned out one of the biggest casinos in Hidden Steam by hitting the jackpot after we had Naruto bet a total of 1.4 million. The odds were 300 to one again. We each took one seventh of the winnings, sixty million ryo each. My team repeated the process in every gambling joint we passed through on the way back, and as you've figured out it was a rather longer, more winding path we took than the route we took on the way up there. Long story short, we're all multi-millionaires now, I'm even richer than I was, and Naruto's a billionaire with a new girlfriend in Cloud that's going to be as hot as Tsunade in a few years."

"What are you talking about Jiraiya-Sensei? Samui-chan's that hot _now!_ " Naruto protested as Sensei's pipe fell out of his mouth. I laughed, "Fair enough Naruto, fair enough. Also," I added, "Since you haven't actually asked about the mission itself yet, that was kicked up to a high A-Rank because the bandits were revealed to be led and trained by an A-Rank missing-nin. Once we found them we were able to thoroughly exterminate them in less than an hour thanks in large part to Naruto. Hidden Steam knew going in that it was at least a B-Rank mission, and they kicked it up to an A-Rank when they found out their most dangerous missing-nin was involved. They hired Cloud and Waterfall as well because they didn't know if anyone would take the job, but the Waterfall team backed out because they didn't want to risk their Jinchuriki. Oh also, in addition to a new girlfriend, Naruto now has at least two new likely pen pals, one in Waterfall and one in Cloud, both are Jinchuriki and the one in Cloud is Raikage's brother as well as the Jonin Instructor of Samui's team. So we might be able to use that new connection to sow a little good will in Cloud."

I thought for a moment and looked at the team, "Did I leave anything out?" "Nope," Hatsumei replied. "I think you might've broken Lord Hokage's brain though," Yumiko added with a smirk. I looked over and saw that Sensei did indeed look as though his brain had slipped a few gears. I just chuckled, "So, can we have two weeks leave to go break every casino in the Land of Fire before word gets out about Naruto?"

 **AN:** _Yep, Naruto's luck really is that insane. All Jinchuriki have that kind of unbelievable luck with games of chance in this world. The more powerful the creature they host, the luckier they are, hence Naruto can win against 1 in 300 odds consistently. Since they've only really been a thing for about a century, nobody's thought to employ them as a means of economic warfare yet, except me of course, which means yes, there is a strong chance it's coming._

 _Also, slot machines work rather differently in this world. Rather than putting money into it and if you win it spits out a mountain of money, these slot machines are not yet so advanced. They just spin the wheels, and you put down a bet with the clerk supervising the machine that you'll win. If you win, the clerk pays you according to the odds of your win. If you don't win, then you get nothing. It's more like roulette than the slot machines of our world._

 _Yes Naruto is now dating Samui. It's a long distance relationship, but hey, Temari and Shikamaru worked out, and Shikamaru wasn't a billionaire Jinchuriki. If they break up, it damn sure won't be Samui dumping Naruto, and after the night she gave him that first night, him dumping her is highly unlikely as well. Of course, those pesky Clan Heads might still try to get him to marry into their clan, so everything's up in the air._

 _Yes, for those who didn't catch it, Kakuzu is not Hidden Waterfall's most powerful rogue in this world, he is the head of Hidden Waterfall. Rather than killing the elders and fleeing when they turned on him, Kakuzu killed them and took over. Nobody was strong enough to stop him and the elders were not that popular anyway, so Kakuzu has been running Hidden Waterfall since the reign of the First Hokage. Hidden Waterfall though is still short on the talent pool and thus hasn't been able to ascend to a position of military power. They are however very_ _ **VERY**_ _wealthy due to Kakuzu's business savvy._


	4. Chapter 4: Two For The Show

Chapter 4 – Two For The Show

It didn't take two weeks to clean out every casino in Fire Country. Between mine and Naruto's Shadow Clones moving in teams, we did it in one. Amazingly, we didn't find Tsunade in a single one! I don't know where she was that week, maybe we just missed each other in the night, but I wasn't too concerned. I was too busy howling with laughter and high fiving Naruto as our Shadow Clones ran from town to town, hitting up every casino and gambling joint we could find. A week after our return from Hidden Steam, we sat in Naruto's apartment with Hatsumei and Yumiko helping tally our incredible profits. We had to store Naruto's furniture in sealing scrolls just to have room to stack the money.

Hatsumei and Yumiko had sent 200,000 ryo with each team of clones, and the clones instructions had been to wager 100,000 ryo at each casino, with half of the original 200,000 to serve as back up in case something went wrong at one of the casinos. By the time we were done, we had all multiplied the money we had sent to wager by over five thousand.

"I love slot machines," Naruto said with a huge smile as we sat amidst our towering mountains of money. We had found twenty more slot machines over the course of the week, all apparently manufactured by the same company, because they all had the same odds as that first one Naruto had won, 300 to 1 jackpot. Hatsumei and Yumiko's betting on him had won them three quarters of a billion ryo each just with the slot machines.

I had considerably more money to blow since I had already been very wealthy, so I had bet five times as much as them. All told Naruto had helped me rake in almost five billion ryo. Naruto himself had recklessly bet even more than me despite my warning him to be careful and made almost ten billion. Thankfully he had heeded my warning to use his Physical Transformation to disguise himself so that hopefully nobody would realize one kid had cleaned out all those casinos.

After we finished counting and tallying our money, I taught the three of them how to make blood seals. We then proceeded to make storage scrolls to seal our money in. Hatsumei and Yumiko made seventy-five each with ten million ryo each, and they were pale and panting by the time they finished. Naruto had to have a hundred million per scroll, because even though he had enough chakra to make nine hundred more scrolls, I didn't want him losing that much blood to make the seals.

We could have gone to a bank with it, but my blood seals were more secure than any bank. Plus, I prefer cash. It's just easier for me to keep track of when I've got something physical to look at. Also, it's rather untraceable, which is an excellent asset for a shinobi.

After we finished the sealing, I unsealed the furniture and we flopped on it. "So…" Naruto said after a few minutes, "Now that we've _got_ all this money, what do we _do_ with it?" I looked around at the tiny apartment, "It's up to you kid. If I were you, I'd buy a house. That or buy this building, evict everybody else and turn it into a fortress of Narutude." Naruto sat up with a grin. I waved a hand at him, "I was kidding about that second one." Naruto pouted slightly.

I pushed myself upright, "Well, come on. Let's go find houses. I don't actually have one here in Konoha either, I just crash in hotel rooms." Then I paused and grinned, "Actually, I have a better idea. Naruto, how would you like to build your own house? We can buy some land and then I'll pay you to help me build my new house. I'll help you build yours too. We can hire some people to do the wiring and plumbing." Naruto stared at me and then he grinned, "Cool!" Hatsumei and Yumiko swapped a glance and I realized they were sitting on the bed (there really wasn't much furniture in that apartment).

They grinned, "Do you guys mind if we go celebrate? We'll catch up to you guys later," Hatsumei asked. Naruto bounced up, "Celebrate? Awesome! Can I come?" Hatsumei and Yumiko swapped an awkward glance, "Uhhh…" I rested a hand on Naruto's shoulder, "Eh Naruto, I think they're planning to celebrate the same way you and Samui do." Naruto blinked, "Oh, yeah, you two probably want to be alone for that. Ok, house hunting it is! Let's go Jiraiya-Sensei!"

We loaded our scroll loads of money into our pocket seals and took off.

==Two Days Later==

Naruto had picked a nice spot in a rather secluded little hollow a little way out from the main village area. It had many nice trees and a little babbling brook running through it. It was actually right on the edge of the now largely abandoned Senju district, arguably the prettiest part of Konoha. I bought a chunk of land right next to it with a lake in the middle that went right up to the base of Hokage Mountain with only a little spit of shore at the edge and a very pretty waterfall.

We were making amazingly quick progress on Naruto's new house. I remembered a trick from a fanfiction I had once read and showed Naruto how to use the Rasengan as a grinder to grind stone from Hokage Mountain into shape. How did we get stone from Hokage Mountain you ask? Simple. I summoned Mr. Gamaken and asked him to break part of the rock face my land was backed up to for us. He did so effortlessly, quite delighted to be helpful. It fell out and Naruto used his Shadow Clones and Super Expansion Jutsu to grow big enough to haul the stone back to the site easily. Mr. Gamaken even stuck around and helped us haul a particularly large piece that two giant (but still comparatively rather small) Naruto clones were struggling with. Why use such material? It was orange and came from Hokage mountain. The instant I suggested it Naruto was sold on it. The fact that it was revealed to be a beautiful marble with gold looking veins through it upon polishing helped quite a lot.

Since we were able to mine and grind our own stone, we only needed cement to hold them together. So we went and got a few hundred bags of dry cement. We certainly earned quite a lot of stares as two dozen bulked up Naruto clones jogged down the street with wheelbarrow loads of cement. The wheelbarrows were actually more transformed Naruto clones so we wouldn't have to buy or rent wheelbarrows.

We actually managed to get the entire outer wall built in one day, along with the foundation which was really just a fire baked Swamp of the Underworld (turn the chakra in the mud to fire chakra and it almost immediately bakes the mud into a nice sturdy solid). It was a very pleasant edifice if I did say so myself. The rocks weren't anything like uniform, they fit together like a bunch of puzzle pieces. I had shown Naruto how to make grooves in the edges of them with his Rasengan, and when put together, the stones had perfect channels for use to pour the cement right down into. We carved out large stone platforms and used them to make a second floor, and with a few giant Narutos we easily set them in place the next day after we finished building the interior walls. We also used stone for the stairs.

Naruto wanted a drawbridge, so I helped him carve a seal into the pretty stone bridge we had carved to put across the brook. The entire thing could disappear into a seal with a touch. That normally wouldn't stop a shinobi, but I had carved stone pylons and planted them around the perimeter, as well as a second internal ring along the house side of the brook and around the house. When we were done I intended to show Naruto how to make security seals and then help him make the entire property one of the most secure places in Konoha.

The day after we built the bridge and prepared the pylons we went and got lumber and nails for the décor and to cover up the wiring and plumbing we were going to have installed. This time several curious people followed the crew of Naruto clones as they trooped the lumber home, including Squad 10. Most of the curious onlookers didn't come too close, but Squad 10 strolled right up. The clones got to work under the supervision of three of my clones as the original Naruto and I went to greet what I suppose were his first house guests.

Naruto shrank back down from his bulked up hard labor form and bounced across the bridge, "Hi guys! What are you doing here?" "We saw a platoon of giant Narutos trooping a bunch of lumber down the street. We weren't doing anything, and wondering what you were doing would've been a drag," Shikamaru replied. "I'm building a house," Naruto replied with a grin. "How did you get a D-Rank like that?" Choji asked around a mouthful of chips, "And where's the rest of your team?"

Naruto's smile never wavered, "Oh no, it's not a mission. We just got back from an A-Rank a week ago and I wanted to do something with some of the money. So I bought this land and now Jiraiya-Sensei's helping me build myself a house!" Asuma tried to count on his fingers and figure out how in the hell Naruto had bought a patch of land in such an expensive part of town on the pay from an A-Rank. Squad 10 just stared for a moment before erupting with questions.

While Naruto explained I took pity on Asuma, "He didn't buy it with money from the mission. The kid's got the luck of the devil when it comes to gambling. He's made a lifetime's worth of money over the last two weeks." Asuma stared at me in disbelief and I added with a grin, "If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of every casino owner in the Land of Fire sobbing in despair. The kid could retire right now and never have to work again." Asuma just kept staring and I saw Naruto transform into Samui out the corner of my eye.

I preempted the wave of disbelief I sensed brewing in Squad 10, "Yes she is real, she _does_ look like that, she _did_ go out with Naruto three nights in a row, no bets, bribes or begging required and she did make it quite clear that she would be very willing to do so again. I understand there was quite a lot of making out." Shikamaru, Choji and Ino stared at me, then at Naruto as he transformed back into himself smugly, and Asuma lit a cigarette with a stunned expression, "Luck of the devil indeed."

Not long after that, Squad 10 said their goodbyes and off they went. Amazingly, we started receiving a lot more visitors after that. My guess is that Squad 10 (or at least Ino) was gossipy. Squad 8 was next to arrive. Kiba practically pounced Naruto demanding answers on how he had gotten such a hot girlfriend. Naruto shrugged, "I don't know! We took down like thirty immortal bandits and then Samui-chan talked Jiraiya-Sensei into letting her take me to a casino. We used transformation to get in and I won a lot of money."

"How much money?!" Kiba demanded. Naruto scratched his head trying to remember, "Hmm…I think I won about a hundred and eighty million that first night. They had this machine that spins three wheels, and if all three come up seven, which is a one in three hundred chance, it's called a jack pot and you get three hundred times as much money as you bet. I got a jackpot on the first spin. They really didn't seem happy about that, so after that we went to a different casino, and I used my shadow clones to go in four casinos at once and bet 100,000 ryo for me and 100,000 for Samui-chan on each of _their_ slot machines. All jackpots. Yumiko checked the machines with her Byakugan, apparently I really am that lucky because she said the machines were tamper proof and the odds really were 1 in 300 for a jack pot."

I patted him on the head, "I think that's enough information on your finances Naruto. You should never let anyone know exactly how much you've got. Before anyone even thinks it, Hatsumei can read minds, we checked, and Samui is not just with Naruto for the money. She does in fact like him, and they have a nice little chemistry going on."

Samui may have been abnormally calculating for her age, but she did actually like Naruto. According to Hatsumei she just saw the money and his position as my student and our Jinchuriki as reasons to give the Raikage for letting the relationship continue, and his ability and willingness to transform his physique and other "physical assets" however she asked was just bonus. I didn't mention that though. Sakura was staring, Kurenai was looking thoughtful and Shino's expression was inscrutable behind his high collar and shades. If it were possible to die of jealousy, I think Kiba would have that day.

==Two Weeks Later==

It had taken me and Naruto two weeks to finish construction of both our houses. Naruto's house was beautiful in a calm, hidden sort of way, the sort of beauty that was only found in hidden groves like the one he had chosen to build in. My home on the other hand was a massive sprawling hodgepodge construction that wouldn't have looked out of place in a shanty town. Naruto had been curious about my choice of design until I pointed out to him that part of being a ninja was to misrepresent oneself.

Of course, just because it was hodgepodge and wouldn't have looked out of place in a shantytown didn't mean it was any less fortified or sturdy. There were definite advantages to being a seal master. Being able to turn what was essentially a wicker rabbit warren of a building into a virtual fortress was one of those perks. There were no less than a dozen ways out, over a dozen hidden rooms, and thanks to my seals the entire place was borderline impossible to navigate if I didn't want it navigated, not to mention I had loaded the place with enough traps to exterminate a small army.

The building was mostly wood, but that was just a façade, all the walls had metal in them and the floors too. From the outside the building looked like someone had hired a bunch of birds to build it. The inside on the other hand was decorated with very nice wooden panels in most places. It was planted on a small island in the center of the large lake on my new property.

Even Naruto wasn't aware of all the secrets I had built into the place, and I had erected a privacy and concealment barrier around the site while we worked. Anybody who tried to come after me in my house wasn't going to live long to regret it. I didn't have any wiring, I used illumination seals, which could also conveniently double as flash bombs when I needed them to. My temperature adjusting seals could double as ice or fire bombs, and I had designed the house so that it was naturally ventilated. I had enough experience with plumbing to do that myself, but I didn't. I had to chuckle a little at the evil idea as it came to me, and I knew it was just too good not to use: literal shit bombs. Tsunade and Orochimaru would definitely have had something to say about that I thought with a grin and made a mental note to nail Orochimaru with one. That covered toilets, and I was good enough with water jutsu to wash myself and anything else I needed to with them.

There was also the fact that the entire place was liberally littered with seals that could do everything from unleash paint bombs to suck people away into a void where the vacuum would make _them_ explode. If my house ever came under siege, and a full on siege would be required to even begin to get in, I'd be the only one able to move inside without trouble. It occurred to me that someone with the Kamui might be able to get in, so I put together considerable countermeasures to deal with Sharingan users, just in case. I wasn't certain any of them would stop my potentially most dangerous orange masked foe, but I'd damn sure give him a headache if he ever came after me, intangible with a Sharingan or not.

I sat back with Naruto and we observed our handiwork from the outside, I sighed contentedly, "Beautiful." Naruto grinned with a sense of accomplishment. We sat there in silence for a moment and then I looked at him, "So, now that our month off is up, we'll get back to training tomorrow." Naruto grinned, "Cool!" I smiled as I stood up, "So now we've just gotta go hunt down Hatsumei and Yumiko and let them know. You want to take a week to learn another jutsu, or just jump right back into another mission?" Naruto thought about it, "What's the jutsu?"

I grinned and raised my hand before summoning a Rasengan, "Simple right? Now watch this." I let it unravel into a spinning vortex of chakra and then I pointed it away from us and fed wind chakra into it. The result? A small tornado that ripped up the water all the way to shore and shook the trees. Naruto was psyched, "AWESOME!" I nodded, "And if you have a Shadow clone with you, you can breathe your Dragon Flame jutsu into the cyclone and turn it into a Jonin sized fire attack. It's called the Rasen-arashi, it's something I came up with recently. Minato died before he could figure out how to add elemental release to the full Rasengan, but I figure this is a step in the right direction."

"SO! COOL!" Naruto declared with stars in his eyes, "Show me! Show me!" I nodded, "Alright, settle down. You already know the basics of this jutsu. You remember how to make your chakra spin in your hand right? Well all you've gotta do is spin it like you would for a Rasengan without turning it into a ball, and make it push the air. You can make it sharp for extra destruction if you want." Naruto quickly formed the swirling chakra into his hand and pointed it away from himself before cutting it loose.

To my surprise he actually nailed it on the first try. I stared, "Huh. I guess all that work with the Rasengan made it easier. Well. Come on Naruto, time to go find Hatsumei and Yumiko. I guess we'll be taking that job tomorrow instead of in a week."

==Later==

I flattened my ear against the door of Hatsumei's apartment. According to Hatsumei's father Hatsumei and Yumiko hadn't been out since we got back. I had a pretty good idea what they were doing in there, so after my knock got no response I motioned for Naruto to wait while I flattened myself using a jutsu and slunk under the door.

I popped up inside and the smell of what they had been up to whacked me in the face like a tennis racket. I tread softly, my senses on high alert in case one of them decided to jump me. "Hatsumei? Yumiko?" I said quietly. If they were asleep I didn't really want to wake them up. I poked my head through the door of the bedroom and found them both naked and out cold in the bed, looking very happy indeed. I smiled and quickly wrote a note telling them the break was over before laying it on Hatsumei's face after making sure I could hear them breathing.

I slunk back out and motioned for Naruto to follow me. "Where are Hats and Yumiko?" Naruto asked curiously, "Weren't they in there?" I nodded, "Yep, they were. I left them be since they were asleep. If they don't make it on time tomorrow _then_ I'm going to come roust them out of bed." I saw Naruto start to ask a question and I looked at him, " _Thiiink about it…_ " Naruto thought about it and then he looked at the door in surprise, "Oh! Wow, so they've been…" I nodded, "Probably." "What if Yumiko gets pregnant?" Naruto asked. I thought about it, "Mmm…my guess is that Hatsumei will propose sooner rather than later and we'll get another construction job to build the two of them a house for their new family."

"Cool!" Naruto declared, "but what about our team? Won't Yumiko have to look after the baby?" I nodded, "Yeah. Honestly though, I don't think the team is going to last more than a few more months in its current state. I'm strongly considering entering the three of you in the Chunin Exams which are in a month. I fully expect Yumiko and Hatsumei to pass, but I'd like to keep _you_ back as a genin so you can get some more experience. We'll find fresh teammates, and keep going."

I saw him open his mouth to complain and cut him off, "Listen Naruto, Hatsumei and Yumiko would be _Jonin_ by now if they hadn't been down on their luck these last few years. They're plenty old enough and more than ready for it. You're still twelve and while you are certainly Chunin level in your jutsu, you don't have enough experience in the field to be leading squads. You've still got a lot of growing up to do, don't rush to end something you'll never get back. Now come on, I hear a ramen stand calling us!" That got Naruto's attention immediately and we quickly bounced away to Ichiraku's.

==The Next Day==

We convened outside the dispatch office and went in, Yumiko and Hatsumei had apparently gotten all their cuddles out over the two weeks of nonstop loving because they weren't even holding hands or anything. I raised my hand and waved slightly, "Hey Sensei, we're back for another one!" Sensei raised an eyebrow at me, "Another…?" "C-Rank," I clarified, "We want a C-Rank."

Sensei nodded and started searching through the scroll. A few moments later he looked up, "Body guard mission to the Land of Waves?" Alarm bells went off like mad in my head, "We're on it." Sensei nodded, although he did look a touch wary of my immediate acceptance, "Very well. Please show in our guest."

Tazuna came in, clearly halfway to soused and looked at us. He was quiet for a moment and then, "Huh. Well the three big ones look alright, but who's the runt with the stupid look on his face?" "That," I said dryly, "Is my apprentice who has already learned jutsu strong enough to qualify as a one-man army. If you weren't our client I'd let him kick you to the curb for that remark. You're getting Jiraiya of the Sannin, two high Chunin level shinobi and the apprentice of Jiraiya of the Sannin when you would normally be lucky to get a bored Jonin and three rookies. Be nice or we'll change our minds and go on a different mission that pays better, and I'll make sure everyone knows that your mission comes with a rude client."

"Nonono! That's alright! That's alright!" Tazuna quickly protested, "I'm very sorry apprentice-san, I didn't know who you were." Naruto grinned, "It's alright. Just don't call me little," He used his Super-Expansion Jutsu until he was so big he had to crouch to avoid going through the ceiling, "because I can be a lot bigger than you when I want to be." Tazuna gaped and the rest of us grinned smugly. I looked around, "Alright team, get your packs. The Land of Waves is three days away, so I estimate we'll be gone for a week, meet at the front gate in an hour."

==An Hour Later==

I looked at the team, "We ready?" They nodded, "Yes Sensei." I nodded, "Good. Naruto, use your multi-shadow clone jutsu to make fifty clones." Naruto nodded, "Right. Multi-shadow clone jutsu!" Fifty Narutos popped into existence. I nodded, "Good, now clones, split off into ten groups of five and use your physical transformation to make yourselves into replicas of me, Hatsumei, Yumiko and Tazuna." A blast of chakra smoke later there were ten replicas of my team standing around.

I nodded, "Good. Now then, each replica of the team will be taking a different route to the Land of Waves. I have maps here, all the clones that look like me, come get one. Take your decoy team along that route. If you are attacked, fight like you're the real team until you are dispersed, meaning Tazuna clones will pretend to be helpless civilians. As soon as the first one of you pops, the enemy will know they've been tricked, so after that focus on dealing as much damage to the enemy forces as you can. Use Swamp of the Underworld to trap as many as you can and then use Rasen-Arashi and Dragon Flame jutsu to roast them alive. If there's not time for Swamp of the Underworld, break out one of your more destructive jutsu first. Understood?"

The clones nodded, "Hai Sensei!" I nodded and jerked a thumb over my shoulder, "Good. Get going." The clones took off, quickly splitting off into teams. I turned to the original team, "Now then, Naruto, I want you to use your Super Expansion and grow big enough to carry us. After that, grow wings. We're not taking any chances here. Yumiko, you and I will ride on Naruto's back with Tazuna to make sure he doesn't fall off. Hatsumei, I want you to act as a flying escort." Hatsumei nodded, "Right."

I nodded, "Good, then let's get going." Naruto transformed as I'd instructed him and Yumiko and I hauled Tazuna up onto his back before he took off.

==That Evening==

We touched down in the Land of Waves and Naruto crouched for us to disembark. I patted Naruto on the back, "Ok, you can shrink back now. Recall your clones as well." Naruto nodded, "Right." He did so and swayed on his feet a little, prompting me to lay a steadying hand on his shoulder, the clone memory rush back still did that to him when he did it with so many for so long, "Ok, none of the clones had any problems after we caught those two Mist-nin that were waiting to ambush us."

I nodded, _good, that means we've ducked Zabuza for now_. I looked around, "Ok, Tazuna, go inside and let your family know you're home. Naruto, make some clones and set them to patrolling the perimeter on the shore. Nothing gets within a half kilometer of this house. If anything tries, _bury and torch it_." Naruto nodded and immediately popped a platoon of clones into existence that ran off into the woods to start patrolling in teams of three. I looked at Hatsumei and Yumiko, "You two get out on the dock and keep your eyes and ears razor sharp. I'm expecting at least one A-Rank missing-nin with probable flunkies, including one very formidable kekkai genkai user, and I have no intention of letting Zabuza Momochi or anyone else catch me off guard. You two are on guard duty until I get a solid perimeter established."

Everyone gaped at me for several minutes and I raised an eyebrow, "Did I stutter?" Hatsumei and Yumiko ran for the dock, Hatsumei's ears still pointed and Yumiko's Byakugan going active immediately. I looked at Tazuna, "Mr. Tazuna, I could have sworn I said _go inside and be with your family._ " Tazuna wisely hauled ass inside.

I turned to Naruto, "Ok Naruto, new jutsu time." I walked through the hand signs slowly for him, "This is an earth jutsu called Earth Rampart Wall. It'll raise a large sturdy wall out of the ground just like the name suggests. After you finish making the hand signs, press your hands flat to the ground and will the earth to rise into a wall. Don't make it as big as the walls around Konoha, that would be just overkill for this, but good sized walls." Naruto nodded, "Right." He ran through the signs and did as instructed. A moment later a ten-foot high wall erupted out of the ground, surrounding the shore side of the house. I nodded, "Very good. Now go inside and protect the client, assure them that we have everything under control, and rest a bit. You've been flying a lot today and I want you in top shape when trouble shows up." Naruto nodded, "Right."

After he went inside, I went around to the shore and used my own Earth Rampart Wall to force another wall up from beneath the water. I sent Yumiko and Hatsumei up to the top of the wall to continue keeping a lookout and then I jumped to the top of Tazuna's house and drew a detection and alarm seal on the roof. That would do for a start, but I didn't want Zabuza using Hidden Mist Jutsu or Haku using her ice mirrors to get in, so I hopped over to the wall and started drawing the points for a Twelve Points Barrier. When I was done, a large almost invisible blue bubble erupted over and around the house to outside the perimeter wall, but not the edges of my Detection seal's range. I figured they already knew where Tazuna lived, and I wanted to know when they came to scope us out.

I nodded as the barrier went up, nothing was getting through _that_ without me knowing about it. The seal was designed so that nobody whose chakra signature wasn't already inside could get any chakra through it. We'd be able to come and go and shoot jutsu through it as we pleased because we had been inside when the barrier went up, but nobody else would. I walked back around the wall, "Ok, Hatsumei, Yumiko, primary defenses are set. Let's head in. Good work today both of you."

We went in and I smiled as I walked in, Tazuna's family was sitting around the table with Naruto looking quite terrified. Apparently Naruto wasn't so great with the pep-talks. "Hello Tazuna's family," I said jovially, "I am Jiraiya, these are Hatsumei and Yumiko, and of course you've already met Naruto. We will be guarding you until Tazuna's bridge is complete, so we'll be staying the night. If you look outside you will notice that we have erected a wall around the building. I have placed an additional barrier around the building which _should_ stop most intrusions, but I am going to set up additional wards this evening and I will be creating a safe room for the three of you that will require a little bit of your blood to render the seals active. The safe room I am going to make for you will be strong enough that nobody but a seal master of the highest caliber will even begin to be able to get to you. On top of that I will be making an escape route for you which will have you out of the country in seconds should you elect to use it."

I smiled, trying to radiate reassuring confidence, "I know you're scared, but have some faith in me. The Toad Sage does _not_ fail C-Rank missions. Even if this is probably actually an A-Rank and with my luck it'll turn into an S-Rank, I don't fail those either." Apparently I'm not so great with the pep-talks either because now even the team was staring at me.

Naruto suddenly jerked, "Incoming!" Almost as soon as he said it I felt several formidable chakra signatures, including one that could only logically be one person, stride into the range of my detection seal. My barrier was suddenly ripped apart and absorbed, there was an explosion outside and I poked my head out the door. Yep, that's Kisame. I cursed my luck, it wasn't just Kisame. Zabuza, Haku, Kisame, Raiga, Kushimaru, Jinpachi, Suigetsu _and_ Mei Terumi were standing outside just beyond the ruins of our perimeter wall like a line-up of "Hidden Mist's Most Wanted".

I crossed my arms, "Can I help you?" Zabuza pointed his sword at me, "You are trespassing in the territory of the Village Hidden in the Waves, state your business." I raised an eyebrow, _Village Hidden in the Waves huh?_ "My team and I were hired to protect the bridge builder Tazuna while he finishes his bridge to connect this island to the mainland," I declared, "I was unaware that a new Hidden Village had sprung up in the Land of Waves or I would've checked with you first. Hidden Leaf is not a fan of stealing work out from under other villages, especially new ones that undoubtedly need the money."

The Mist-Wave?-nin traded glances, then Zabuza shouldered his sword, "Protect him from what?" I shrugged, "He mentioned something about a little troll named Gato that has an unhealthy monopoly over this land's shipping. Seemed to think his bridge would break Gato's control even though Gato would probably just set up a toll booth at one end or have it blown up. I didn't point that out since we're being paid either way."

"How funny that you should mention Gato," Zabuza drawled, "We just killed him two days ago. Took all his money and control of his entire operation. Mei here is the new head of Gato Corporation. _We_ will oversee the completion of the bridge. Thank you for seeing our new head of construction home safely, we've got a lot of work for him. Oh, and if you happened to run into the Demon Brothers, we would be quite grateful if you would let them know that you were bringing Tazuna here anyway, that he is here now and please send them back to us."

I took a moment to process all of that and then I poked my head inside and motioned for Tazuna to join me outside. Tazuna stepped out and nearly shit himself. I wrapped an arm around his shoulders with a grin, "Well Tazuna, it seems you're in luck! These fine folks have taken care of your Gato problem and would like to not only let you finish your bridge, but they'd also like to offer you lots more work. They're setting up their own village, I'm sure you'll get along just swimmingly with them."

Tazuna looked at me, then he looked at them, then he bowed to them, "Thank you." Zabuza nodded, "Don't worry about it. Just get that bridge finished, we'll come get you when we have another job for you." Tazuna nodded, "Yessir." Zabuza looked at me, "Jiraiya-san, we would like for you to stay with Tazuna's family for the evening and then we would appreciate your departure in the morning. It's nothing personal, but surely you can understand our reluctance to have such a powerful and renowned shinobi lingering in our territory."

I nodded, "Of course. Hidden Leaf has no beef with your village. My team and I will return to Konoha in the morning and relay your existence to Lord Hokage. I hope we will be able to open diplomatic relations." Zabuza nodded, "Of course. We will leave you an escort if you do not mind, they will join you this evening and escort you to the border tomorrow." I nodded, "Of course." Zabuza looked to his right, "Haku, Mei, you two."

Haku nodded, "Hai Zabuza-sama." Mei put a hand to her chin, "Mmm…the legendary Toad Sage, one of the most famous womanizers in all the Elemental Nations, what an interesting assignment you've given me Zabuza." Zabuza gave her a dry stare and she just laughed as she sauntered forward with Haku close behind her.

==Later That Night==

Mei and Haku were proving to be delightful company. Tazuna and his family had retired early rather than stick around such dangerous people, all to one room I noticed, which did make it easier to put up seals to guard them. It wasn't the everything-proof safe room I had originally intended to make, but it was still much safer than they would've been otherwise.

Hatsumei and Yumiko had made their excuses and retired not long after. I knew full well what that look they had shared meant. I had roused them from their love nest for this mission and they had only left out of sense of duty and respect for me. They wanted very much to get back to it. I smiled sympathetically and shooed them on with an admonition not to disturb our clients. They had blushed slightly and taken off up the stairs.

Now Haku was steadily sidling over closer to Naruto as the conversations went on, and Mei had just brazenly placed herself in my lap, which even for me was surprisingly forward enough to bring a slight blush to my face. She wrapped her arms around my neck and straddled me as she leaned, "So Jiraiya-sama, what shall we do now?" Naruto raised an eyebrow as he noticed the look Haku was giving him, "Eh, Jiraiya-Sensei? What's going on?" I looked over Mei's shoulder at him, "Naruto my boy, sometimes in life, you must take out your sword and defend yourself. I'm sure Samui-chan will understand. Haku's a Tokubetsu-Jonin you said Mei?"

Mei nodded with a smile, "That's right." I turned my gaze back to Naruto, who was in much the same position I was with Haku having already climbed on top of him, "So quite frankly Naruto, if Haku wants something from you, I think she can probably take it by force if she has to, and I'm indisposed dealing with my own adversary. If these two are assassins with intent to seduce and kill us, then we must whip out our swords and _defend ourselves!_ We must defend ourselves with such skill and valor that they shall be too much a shambles in the throes of ecstasy to attack us! _That,_ young grasshopper, is what is going on."

Naruto, Haku and Mei stared at me for a moment and then absolutely died laughing. Mei buried her head in my chest and took several minutes to stop shaking with laughter. When she finally caught her breath she sat up and looked up at me with a smile, "If you're as good as you are funny, then I'm going to _enjoy_ this mission." I smiled back at her mischievously, "Oh, if you think _one_ of me is good, Shadow Clone Jutsu!" Mei's eyes widened as my doppelganger popped into existence behind her and whispered in her ear to tell her exactly how well I was going to "defend myself".

A little while later Naruto used _his_ Shadow Clone jutsu and even though my clone and I were much too busy with Mei at that particular moment to see Haku's face, or exactly how much Naruto had probably overdone it, we did hear the delighted "Oh HELL YES!" from the next room where Haku had pulled Naruto for a smidge of privacy. Mei laughed and said half to herself, "Sounds like Haku's having as much fun as I am."

==Sometime Later==

It was the wee hours of the morning before the "defense" let up. Mei cuddled on top of me as my clone pulled on its pants and placed a blanket over us before going to check on Naruto. It dispersed and returned its memories to me a moment later, earning a small laugh as I told Mei, "I'm not sure Haku's gonna be able to walk in the morning. I don't think she minds though." Mei smiled before pulling herself up to kiss me, "Thank you for your generous donations to the shinobi forces of Namigakure."

I smiled slightly, "I figured as much. You're going to let me help name them and come see them right?" Mei nodded, "Mmhmm. I'll make sure Haku will do the same for Naruto." "Don't you think he's a bit young for this?" I asked. Mei shrugged, "Haku probably would've gone for Hatsumei since the Fukusei blood would ensure her child got both of their kekkai genkai, but Yumiko dragged him off upstairs before she could. Still, I'm not worried. For the great Jiraiya-sama to have taken him on as his personal apprentice, that boy of yours must be something special." I nodded, "He is that. No special bloodline, but he is quite the formidable young shinobi. I would worry more about it, but he's already done this with his girlfriend from Cloud."

"Is he your son?" Mei asked curiously. I stiffened slightly, "You know, I actually don't know. I don't think he is, but I'm going to have to check when we get home." Mei chuckled, "How many children does a man like you have? Your reputation is known all through the elemental nations, have you ever wondered how many of the wild oats you've sown have taken root and grown? I guarantee," she raised up and kissed me gently, "You'll have at least one child within the year."

I held her close, "Thank you Mei." Mei smirked, "Oh? You want to "thank" me again?" The way she said it made it clear she meant something else. I chuckled at the invitation for another round, "Yes, but I meant thank you for pointing it out to me. If I _do_ have children that I don't know about, then I need to find them, and start being the father I should've been since they were born. If they're out there of course," I added as a halfway hopeful afterthought, I really didn't want to believe I had been _that_ foolish, but I knew I probably had. I decided it was time for a change of subject before a wonderful opportunity slipped by, so I gave Mei a little squeeze that almost made her purr, "So, oh beautiful mother of my future child, shall we go again?"

Her smile was all the answer I needed.

==The Next Day==

Mei and Haku saw us to the opposite shore, which was the effective border. Mei gave me a kiss on the cheek goodbye, "Be sure to stop by again sometime." Haku gave Naruto a mind melting kiss and told him in an excited voice, "You had better be ready to do that to me again next time we see each other." Poor Naruto almost fainted from the nosebleed he got at that thought. I picked up my wobbly student and tossed him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes with a smile, "He says yes ma'am and he hopes to see you soon." Haku giggled slightly, "I'll be looking forward to it."

I bowed slightly to the Wave nin, "Please relay to Zabuza, or whoever's in charge in Wave, that we'll be sending someone along to open up diplomatic relations soon. It was very nice to meet you both." Mei and Haku bowed back, "We'll be sure to send pictures if you don't make it back in time." I smiled, "Thank you." Then we were off.

Yumiko and Hatsumei looked at us with matching knowing smirks. I looked at first one, then the other, "What?" "Was it Mei or Haku that ignored your order to keep it down?" Yumiko asked with a grin. I looked over at Naruto, "That was Haku, but did you really expect anything involving Naruto to be _quiet_?" "Fair point," Yumiko conceded, "I guess we're not flying back because you and Naruto hardly slept at all last night?"

I nodded, "Something like that, but we weren't really expected to be back for another six days, there's no need to rush back. We'll still be back a few days early even if we don't move as fast as we can." Yumiko nodded, "Okay...if you say so," then she smirked, "Ero-sensei." I almost face-planted, "GAH!"

==That Evening==

We stopped at a small hotel with an onsen for the night. Since we weren't escorting a client, there was no reason to avoid civilization. Hatsumei and Yumiko took one room, and Naruto and I took another. As we were getting ready to head down to the onsen Naruto asked, "Jiraiya-sensei, why did Haku-chan and Mei-san um…well…ya know…" I paused and sat down on the bed with a sigh, motioning for Naruto to sit on his.

"Ok, here's how it works Naruto. You know about genetics right? Bloodlines and stuff? At least know what they are?" Naruto nodded. "Well," I continued, "Bloodlines are quite important to the Hidden Villages, because some bloodlines have special abilities called kekkai genkai that make people _from_ those lines extra good shinobi. Hatsumei and Yumiko both have kekkai genkai. Hatsumei has his Koumori and Yumiko has her Byakugan and Light Release. Haku and Mei both have kekkai genkai as well, Mei has Lava and Boil Release, and Haku has Ice Release. You with me so far?"

Naruto nodded, so I continued, "I don't have a kekkai genkai, and until you have some kids old enough to learn jutsu, we won't really know if your ability to physically transform is a kekkai genkai or not. However, I am well known as a very powerful shinobi. As you are my apprentice, people will automatically assume that you are going to be powerful too. Therefore, people want us to have babies with women from their clan or village or whatever, because they think just being our children will make those babies stronger than other babies. If we had kekkai genkai that our kids could inherit, then people would want us to have kids with their women even more."

Naruto nodded, "So Haku-chan and Mei-san did that because they want to have strong babies?" Then he paled, "Wait, _I'm gonna be a dad?!_ " I nodded, "Probably. Haku did promise to send pictures if we didn't make it back in time to be there to welcome your first born into the world, and I'm sure they'll allow you to visit. Samui-chan's a little bit young for having babies right now, but in a few years, she's probably going to insist on having some. You might as well get used to the idea Naruto, the Clan Heads of Konoha were falling all over themselves to go find girls from their clans to seduce you and have babies with when they found out what you can do. They're probably going to want you to marry one of those girls, but I'm sure you can duck that if you want to." Naruto looked like his world had been thoroughly rocked, rolled and set on fire.

I smiled, "So I expect that at some point you're going to have Ino and Hinata barking up your tree. Hinata would probably be doing that already if she wasn't so shy, and I expect Ino's just having to get into the mindset for chasing you instead of Sasuke. It's not something to be so terribly upset about, take it from me, having women falling all over you is pretty great once you learn to properly appreciate your good fortune." Naruto was quiet for a few moments and then, "So do you have kids Jiraiya-Sensei?"

I shifted uncomfortably, "I'd like to think that I don't, because if I do then I've been a pretty crummy father for not even knowing. Once we get back I'm going to start hunting down every woman I've ever slept with to check. I may not have been much of a father up 'til now, but I'm changing that as soon as I can." I sighed, _tell him? Don't tell him?_ I looked at Naruto and then he asked, "So, this, bloodline thing, do a lot of guys have to do it?"

I shook my head, "When it's between villages it's almost considered theft as silly as that is, and normally it's only kekkai genkai holders and the very strongest of regular shinobi. I half suspect Sasuke was targeted by the girls in your class _expressly because_ he's the last of a kekkai genkai clan. That's not what you were really asking me though was it?" Naruto shook his head slightly, "Do you…do you think my parents…were…"

He had a hard time getting the words out and I could see tears starting to well in his eyes, "Disappointed because I wasn't strong enough?" I was stunned for a second and then I reached over and yanked him into a big bear hug, "Nonsense. Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense," I repeated, "Naruto, I don't know who your parents are, but I do know you were born the night of the Kyuubi's rampage. That's why you're the jinchuuriki. If I had to guess, and this is a morbid guess," I didn't want to say it, but it was better than letting Naruto worry that his parents hadn't loved him, "they're probably dead."

A horrified little gasp escaped Naruto and I quickly scrabbled to cut off the flood of tears I could tell was about to erupt, " _BUT THERE IS NO GUARANTEE OF THAT!_ " Naruto didn't start crying so I kept talking, "The entire village was in chaos that night. It's entirely possible that someone might've realized you were perfect to be the Jinchuriki and run off in the chaos without checking to see who you were or if your parents would care. Your parents are not necessarily dead Naruto."

"You really think so?" Naruto asked, clearly trying to hold it together. I nodded, "I won't bet on it, a lot of people died that night, but Mei said something last night that gives me an idea." "What?" Naruto asked curiously. "She asked if you were _my_ son," I said quietly. All the air went out of Naruto in an instant, "What?" I didn't let go, "Even if you're not my son by blood, and we _are_ going to check that as soon as we get a chance, you _are_ my apprentice, and as far as I'm concerned, that makes you as good as my son. I'm going to help you find them Naruto, and if they're dead, then I'll adopt you, how's that sound?" Naruto broke, so I just sat there holding him until he ran out of tears, "Easy Naruto, easy. Just let it all out. It's all gonna be alright."

 _Well Jiraiya,_ I thought to myself, _ya done gone and stepped off in it this time. No way in hell to get out of it. Good job…_ then I smiled slightly, _finally manned up._

 **AN:** _That's the end of Chapter 4. Yes I know that was surprisingly short for the Land of Waves arc, but that's how I decided to tackle it, trust me, it is a very important plot point down the road that a new village has cropped up. This is far from the last we'll see of Namigakure. Yes, Zabuza is in charge of Namigakure because even though he's not the strongest of their elites (the 8 we saw in this chapter) he is the only one who actually wanted to lead._

 _Yes, the acquisition of strong bloodlines is a large part of the reason Jiraiya has had such incredible amounts of game over the years. He knows that, has for decades, but he's never really cared because he was having too much fun._

 _Yes, Mei and Haku are both quite likely pregnant now. There are jutsu that can ensure or prevent that, and many kunoichi know them for the event that they need them. In this case Mei and Haku both want to ensure it so that they can make doubly sure that Namigakure will have at least two strong shinobi in its first generation of shinobi born as shinobi of Namigakure rather than having been Missing-nin first. Yumiko on the other hand has been using the preventative jutsu so she can get through the Chunin Exams before being a mother._

 _For those wondering, here is a list of ages of all characters I can currently confirm the ages of, and yes there have been changes, so please read closely:_

 _Hiruzen Sarutobi: 61_

 _Jiraiya, Tsunade & Orochimaru: 50_

 _Ame orphans (whichever of them are still alive): 43_

 _Honoka Sarutobi: 41 (22 at time of death)_

 _Minato Namikaze: 40 (26 at time of death 14 years ago)_

 _Kakashi Hatake, Rin Nohara, Obito Uchiha: 34 (14 at time of Rin and Obito's deaths)_

 _Might Guy: 31_

 _Kushina Uzumaki, Kurenai Yuhi, Asuma Sarutobi: 27 (13 at time of Kushina's death)_

 _Anko Mitarashi, Erza (-), Itachi Uchiha: 19_

 _Yumiko Hyuga, Hatsumei Fukusei: 18_

 _Gaara Kosa: 17_

 _Haku Yuki, Kankuro Kosa: 16_

 _Naruto Uzumaki, Samui, Karui, Omoi, Temari Kosa: 14_

 _Neji Hyuga, Rock Lee, Tenten Michino: 13_

 _Sasuke Uchiha, Sakura Haruno, Shikamaru Nara, Choji Akicmichi, Ino Yamanaka, Hinata Hyuga, Kiba Inuzuka, Shino Aburame, Fuu: 12_

 _Hanabi Hyuga: 9_

 _Konohamaru Sarutobi: 7_

…

 _One last note, to those who don't dig it: Sorry, this is turning into something of a harem fic quite quickly. That was not my original intent, but (shrug) it's Jiraiya. For those of you who don't dig that, I am sorry. For those of you who do, enjoy, but this is not turning into a rabid smut fic, and I am not sacrificing any aspect of the story just for getting Jiraiya and Naruto more whoopee-sexy-fun-time. This is still a serious fic, it just contains two world class womanizers._


	5. Chapter 5: Three To Get Ready

**AN:** _First off, I am so sorry for going so long without an update. It's terrible, I'm utterly appalled that I let your wait go on that long and I'm going to try to keep it from happening again. I've recently acquired a job and been going full tilt all day and been too drained of energy and time to get much done. I looked at my stories a few weeks ago and decided that over two months between posts on any given work, let alone ALL my stories was unacceptable and that I was going to try to fix that._

 _So I now give you my_ **HALLOWEEN MEGA MONSTER POST!**

 _We have a chapter of…_

 **= The Kinjutsu 3** , _where we answer the questions:_ _What if Naruto weren't the only one to learn a powerful forbidden technique from the Forbidden Scroll the night of the Mizuki Incident? What if Shikamaru woke up on the mysterious right side of the bed and gave up laziness for a day just to see what happens? What if Hinata suddenly grew a spine a few days before the graduation exam?_

 **= Jiraiya-Sensei** , _where Jiraiya has an epiphany a day before Naruto graduates the Academy and resolves to set the many mistakes of his life right. AU_

 **= Fallen Leaves,** _which is a look at a possible near-absolute-worst case scenario for Konoha. At the end of the Third World War, Stone and Cloud launch a surprise last minute assault with three fully realized Jinchuriki. Six years later, Itachi kills all remaining Uchiha except for Obito and Rin. Now with scarcely two dozen people left in the Village, can Hidden Leaf make a return to glory? Naruto thinks so!_

 **= Fairy Tail Oberon,** _where e_ _verybody's getting new tricks to keep up with an OPMC and the more powerful world they now live in. Please note that there is no skipping between the characters joining the guilds as kids and their adventures as young adults, all the adventures they have between joining Fairy Tail and the start of canon are being explored as well. There will be new villains and threats in addition to those present in canon. Very AU. Please enjoy._

 **And not one but TWO chapters of**

 **= Naruto Vermillion Thunder,** _where Naruto says what needs to be said_ _and knows what needs to be known. He is every bit as wily as the fox whose power he draws upon when things get tough. Jiraiya's been around upholding his duties and Naruto has benefited appropriately. I've taken considerable liberties with the world at large, so the geography, politics & etc are new and I think rather original. By far the most powerful AU-verse I've written._

 **= Konoha Blast,** _where Deidara is recruited to Konoha after going rogue and becomes Naruto's mentor and leader of the new Konoha Demolitions Corps!_

 _ **My other stories will be updated soon as well.**_

 _ **Now without further ado, let's get started!**_

Chapter 5 – Three to Get Ready

==Three Days Later==

Sensei picked his head up off his desk, and banged it right back down. His words were slightly muffled as he asked, "Jiraiya, you _do_ realize that this could provoke a war with Mist right?" I shrugged, "We're about due for another war. If Yagura wants to make a fuss, we'll make turtle stew. _One_ of the Seven Swordsmen was enough to rattle his regime, and Zabuza is far from the strongest of the five now residing in Wave. Kisame Hoshigaki has aligned with him, and the shark alone is enough to make the turtle think twice. Besides, from what Mei Terumii and Zabuza's apprentice Haku tell me, Yagura's been organizing the hunting and execution of kekkai genkai users to keep anyone from having the power to combat him. If aligning with Wave gives me a chance to put a man like that in the dirt, you should know me well enough to know I'll do it Sensei."

Sensei sighed, "Yes I do." He was quiet for a moment, then, "Fine. We'll open diplomatic relations with Wave. Anything else to report?" I thought about it for a moment, "Mmm…no not really. Not yet. Might have something by the end of the day. I'll letcha know."

==A Little While Later==

I sat next to Naruto in the waiting room at the hospital, breathing steadily. Naruto was fidgeting nervously. I scratched my head, _he's so nervous…do I have anything that can distract him? Can't teach him a jutsu, not in here, somebody'd get hurt…All the books I've got on me are Icha Icha…Erm…Aha! Salvation!_ "Isn't that Sakura?" Naruto perked up and looked where I was pointing. He waved, "Hi Sakura-chan! What are you doing here? Nobody's hurt are they?"

Sakura stopped and looked around before coming over to talk, "Hey Naruto," she bowed slightly to me, "Jiraiya-sama. Yeah, you know, I never quite believed you when you said your C-Rank turned into an A-Rank until it happened to my team. We just got back yesterday," she told us in a quiet voice, "Kurenai-sensei's arm is in a sling and Kiba's still out cold from that concussion he got. The doctor says he should wake up tomorrow, but I came to check on them anyway. I was going to try to walk Akamaru while I was here, but he won't leave Kiba's side. What are you two doing here? Did one of your team get hurt?"

Naruto shook his head, "No, nothing like that, everyone's fine, but guess what?" Sakura frowned at him slightly and quirked an eyebrow, "What?" "Jiraiya-Sensei might be my dad!" Naruto exclaimed. Sakura blinked and then stared, "What? Don't be silly Naru…to?" A nurse had walked up and handed me the report on the paternity test. I quickly opened it with Naruto bouncing to stand in his seat and peer over my shoulder. I looked at him and eased the report out of the envelope as though it might explode. My eyes roved over the paper until it got to the bottom, **MATCH: YES**

The wind went out of me, "Well…That was…unexpected…" I quickly reached my arm around at an angle it probably shouldn't have been able to go to and yanked Naruto around into a hug before he could do anything stupid like run off or freak out. "Well Naruto," I said with a smile, "I guess you are my son after all." I could tell out the corner of my eye that Sakura looked like her world had been rocked, rolled and carpet bombed.

When Naruto finally found his voice, he started crying, and calling me every name he could think of. Through all of it though, he never stopped hugging me.

==A Little Bit Later==

Never let it be said that Iruka Umino does not care about his students. I raised up slightly in the rubble of the wall Iruka had put me through, "Why are you not a Jonin?!" Iruka's Big Head Jutsu was in full effect (I was almost as surprised that that was a real thing as I was that he had managed to put me through a wall with one hand) and Sakura and Naruto looked fairly stunned. Iruka proceeded to chew me up one side and back down the other. I let him get it all out, all the harsh recriminations, the accusations, the questioning my motives, the guilt trips, the works. Iruka had clearly thought on this list pretty hard, because it was one hell of a list. His rant at me lasted for almost five minutes.

It culminated in, "WELL?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!" I sat up and sighed without meeting Iruka's gaze, "For myself? Nothing. There are no words to describe what an irresponsible fool I've been. For Naruto, I'm going to do everything in my power for the rest of my life to make up for what of your life I've missed. For you Iruka, there are only two words." I looked him in the eye, and pulled myself to my feet. Then I bowed to him, "Thank you, for being there for Naruto when I wasn't. If there's ever anything I can do to repay you, just name it."

There was silence for a moment and then Iruka sighed, "Ah what the hell, two things. Number one, you had better be there for Naruto from now on. If you're gonna be his father you had better be the best father in the world or I'll beat you within an inch of your life." I straightened up, "I have every intention of it. The second thing?" Iruka suddenly seemed very shy and unsure of himself, "Well…it's…um…it's just…" He took a deep breath to steady himself and it all came out in a rush, "There's-this-girl-that-I-really-like-but-she's-like-the-most-awesome-girl-in-Konoha-and-I-don't-have-the-nerve-to-ask-her-out-but-I've-had-a-crush-on-her-for-years-and-you're-the-greatest-romantic-expert-in-Konoha-if-you-could-help-me-get-her-attention-even-a-date-would-make-me-the-happiest-man-in-the-world!"

I blinked, how he managed to get all that into one breath is beyond me, but I smiled, "Girl trouble huh? Who's the lucky lady?" Before Iruka's brain could catch up to the fact that he'd actually admitted to having a crush on his as yet unnamed crush, a figure erupted through the window. Said figure made a clone, sent it running, turned into a coppery colored snake, and right before the ANBU flew in through the window behind her, Anko was up Iruka's pants leg.

Iruka looked properly stunned, and as the ANBU demanded to know which way she went, Iruka didn't even hesitate to point them off in the wrong direction. They bolted off and when they were gone Naruto recovered his voice, "What the heck Iruka-sensei? You never sent them off in the wrong direction when they were chasing me for pranks!" Iruka started to say something and then a voice started singing, "Trouser-snake, trouser-snake, does whatever a trouser-snake does…"

Iruka squirmed and was beet red in the face, "Uh, ah, Anko-san!" He suddenly jumped and squeaked in a very un-manly manner as Anko purred from the seat of his pants, "Oooh…nice butt…" Then her voice moved up to under Iruka's shirt and flak jacket, "Thanks for helping me give em the slip, but I gotta know… are you ticklish?" Iruka suddenly started laughing and begging her to stop.

All of a sudden Anko slithered out the bottom of his shirt, returned to her human form and flipped Iruka onto his back on the floor, straddling him in the process. She rested her chin in her palm and laid her fingers over her lips playing coy with a big grin, "Oh my! Iruka-sensei, what an inappropriate position you have me in!" Iruka was the color of a tomato and trying in vain to get his voice back. Anko leaned down like she was going to kiss him, "I should tell you though," she whispered, "That even if I have been a very _very_ bad girl, you only get to spank me if I get to spank you back."

That was too much for poor Iruka, his nose started leaking blood and he was out like a light with a big stunned smile. Anko sat up laughing, "Oh my god that is so _cute!_ He's like one of those adorable little fainting goats from Earth Country!" She looked around, seeming to take notice of us for the first time, "What?" Then her eyes lit on Naruto and an excited look crossed her face, "So _you're_ Naruto!" She bounced up and gleefully shook his hand, " _Huge_ fan of your work. The Hokage Monument paint job was _brilliant!_ I'm Anko Mitarashi, we really need to work together sometime!"

==An Hour Later==

I almost felt bad for Iruka. Between Anko and Naruto there was no end of the teasing for poor Iruka on this date. Sakura was blushing and trying hard to restrain her giggles and little exclamations of shock at how inappropriate Anko's teasing was. We had been there for almost half an hour and the food was just arriving. Anko had somehow talked Iruka into letting his hair out of its usual spiky pony tail and she had only just left off playing with it to turn her attention to her food.

Then Sarutobi-Sensei walked up and a thought hit me like a punch from Tsunade. I shook my head and looked again before covering my eyes and looking out at the scene before me through my fingers, _I've seen this before…_

==Twenty Years Earlier==

Orochimaru breathed a slight sigh of relief as his apprentice turned her attention to her food. I grinned as Honoka Sarutobi proceeded to dig into her dinner with all the gusto and manners of a half-starved boar. Asuma looked over at his oldest sister, "Geez sis, slow down a little, you act like you're not going to eat again for a year." Honoka just winked at him, "You never know little bro! Maybe I won't!"

Orochimaru opened his mouth to say something and then stopped and changed mid-sentence, "Hello Sarutobi-Sensei. Care to join us?" Sarutobi-Sensei had smiled that monkey like grin of his, "I think I just might, if you have room of course. And who is this Asuma-kun?" Asuma blushed slightly, "This is Yugao-chan." Sarutobi-sensei grinned mischievously before declaring dramatically, "Oh how very old I feel all of a sudden! My youngest child is already taking girls out on dates!"

He let the words hang in the air for a moment and then Asuma and Yugao erupted in blushes and denials as the rest of us laughed at them.

==Present==

That was one of my last _good_ memories of Orochimaru. His relationship with Sarutobi-Sensei had inexplicably gone to hell a few weeks later, and then he disappeared almost a year later, the same night Honoka died under mysterious circumstances. I had always assumed he'd had something to do with it because Sarutobi-sensei had been more furious than I've ever seen him, before or after. Now though… I stood up abruptly, "Sensei, can I speak with you in private for a moment?"

Sarutobi-sensei blinked in surprise as everyone turned to look at me, "Of course." We walked a little way off before I set up a Silence Barrier Jutsu and made sure to get both our backs turned away from the table in case Anko knew how to read lips, "Sensei, why does Anko look exactly like Honoka-chan with Hebi-teme's hair?" Sarutobi-Sensei froze and I knew. There was something I had never been told. Something that I had a damn good right to know.

I put my face in my hands, "First a son and now a niece, Sensei how could you have not told me?! Does she even know?!" _Have I been hating my own brother for nothing all this time?!_

"No she does not," Sarutobi-Sensei declared firmly, "And she is _not_ to know. Her association with Orochimaru tarnishes her standing with the village already, we should not increase that association if we can at all avoid it." "What about her association with you?! She's your granddaughter Sensei! She's my niece! She's got cousins and uncles and aunts and a grandfather! How can we deny a girl who's always thought herself an orphan her family?!"

Then a sinking feeling settled in my gut as a thought occurred to me, "Wait a minute…" I quickly counted on my fingers. I remembered the exact day of Orochimaru's big falling out with Sarutobi-sensei, and the exact date of his defection and Honoka's death: Eight and a half months later I realized as I quickly counted on my fingers. I stared at my fingers in horror, "Sensei…what…" "This matter is closed Jiraiya, do _not_ pursue it, and _DO NOT_ let anyone know what you have learned," Sarutobi-sensei ordered in a harsher gruffer voice than I'd ever heard him use. Then he turned and stormed out, leaving me trying to recover from the most horrible shock since Orochimaru's defection as my trust in my sensei utterly disintegrated. Oh hell no this was not the end of it! _I need to have words with my brother…_

I caught the waiter, "Bring the strongest alcohol you have. I need a drink."

==The Next Day==

I strolled into the Dispatch Office with the team, pretending as though nothing had happened the evening before. I strolled up to the desk, "So Sensei, got any good laid-back C-Ranks to take up the next two weeks?" Sensei raised an eyebrow, also acting as though nothing had happened, "What sort of C-Rank Jiraiya?" I shrugged, "Ah ya know. Something calm and relaxed that we'll have time to train on. Maybe some recon or something. We need one more C-Rank for the team to be eligible for the Chunin Exams right?" Sarutobi shook his head, "No actually the bar has dropped slightly in recent years, it is now one C-Rank mission and thirty D-Ranks as a concession to Hidden Sand since work has been rather scarce for them in recent years. However even though the bar has been lowered, very few Jonin would allow their Genin to attempt the exams so early, and I'm not sure I would approve them even if they were. However, with your team already having an A-rank mission under your belts in addition to a C, and their reported skill levels, I'd say your team is fully eligible."

I nodded, "Ah, well, do you have a C-Rank for us anyway? As I said a nice laid back one would be wonderful, I've been wanting to swing by that little vineyard I like so much. You know the one." Sarutobi's eyes widened ever-so-slightly, "Oh. Yes of course. Ah…let me see…" He turned his attention to the scroll of C-Ranks.

==Two Days Later==

I sat on a log in front of the bandits we had captured with my pipe and a grin as the team stood ready to execute the first bandit that tried to make a problem. I took a small drag off my pipe, the smoke was bad for me I knew, but it was a behavior so ingrained in me that I knew I'd probably never fully stop. I grinned at our prisoners, "So, you lot think it's your right to go about stealing what those who have worked hard have made and earned. That seems like the thought process of someone who's never had to work for anything in their life."

"That's not true!" The leader of the bandits protested. I shook my head slightly and he kept his head, for the moment. Yumiko had already drawn and was ready to put an arrow through his skull. I sat forward, "Oh really. Tell me then. Why have you and your men been robbing everyone who passes through this area blind for the last month?"

"Our crops have gone bad all year, and what little we have been able to produce is eaten by locusts and rats, and there's been a drought all summer! The river's been dried up completely and the ground has become so hard that we can barely break it up with plows!" He looked at the ground with helpless fury, "Even if we plant again, the crops won't have time to grow before winter, and we don't have money to go buy something! We'll all starve when the snow sets in! We only robbed those people because we were desperate!"

I sat there calmly listening and my gaze flickered around to the team. They were visibly uncomfortable with this. I looked at Naruto, "Naruto, send a clone to the nearest village to confirm what this man has said." Naruto nodded and a clone went running. I sat forward and made sure to meet the leader's gaze, "If you're lying to me, I will ensure that your death is exceptionally slow and painful. Do I make myself clear?" The man shrunk a little but his gaze was defiant, "Your student will tell you that I speak the truth!" A little while later Naruto blinked, "It's true. This area's had it really really bad this year." I sat back, "Well then."

I smiled, "I can't let you keep all the stuff you've stolen, and I'll certainly return to kill you all if you ever resort to banditry again." The farmers-turned-bandits hung their heads and then I continued, "However, I am a shinobi of the Leaf. That means the Land of Fire is my home, and you are my neighbors." The farmers looked up at me in confusion as I went on, "As such I cannot simply let you starve because of a little bad luck. You say the ground is hard and the river is dry and the locusts and rats are eating your food?"

The farmers nodded wide eyed and I rose, "Show us to your fields. Naruto, untie them." Naruto's clones sprang to work and half an hour later we were standing before a truly desolate looking set of fields. I nodded, "Yumiko, Hatsumei, I want you two to go to the storehouses. Eliminate the rat problem. Naruto, you soften the ground up so these people can plant again. I'm going to deal with the river and locust problem." My team took off and I crouched before springing clear across the field to the dry riverbed on the other side and running up it to its source at the speed of Body Flickers.

I flashed through a series of hand signs upon reaching the dry lake, "Doton, THUNDERING SPRING!" The water was still there, the water table was just far below the elevation of the village and fields. All I had to do was bring it up to the surface. So a quick mining jutsu mixed with a little earth hardening brought the massive aquifer down below rocketing up to the surface and erupting through the lake bed to go crashing down the river bed.

I smiled slightly, "That's the river problem fixed. Now for the locusts. SUMMONING JUTSU!" A storm of chakra smoke later and a small army of toads was before me, "Alright everybody, who's in the mood for locust? They've been having a problem with them around here and I'd like to invite you all to the buffet!" "LOCUSTS?!" The toads exclaimed in delight. A moment later the forest was abuzz with panicking locusts and delighted toads. Locusts, especially swarming locusts, were much higher in yang chakra than your average grasshopper, so they were very good for the destructive fire attacks the toads of Mount Myouboku use.

I grinned and surfed down the river using my chakra to stabilize me as though I were water walking. I bounced up onto the shore at the fields and found Naruto had turned the whole area to soft loam with his Swamp of the Underworld. I strode over to the farmers, "There now. Your fields are soft, your river is flowing and my toad friends are taking care of the locusts. My students are probably enjoying their little rat hunt right now, but they'll wrap it up quickly. Nothing can hide from those two." I paused to think for a moment, "As for the issue of your plants not having time to grow, I'm not sure I can actually do very much about that. Tampering with time is a big no-no and a there's no telling what altering the growth cycle of the plants might do to them. They could very easily turn toxic or die before you could harvest them. You'll have to have something else." I scratched my head, "Hmm…"

I smiled, "I know." I pulled a small book from a seal at my side, "You seem to have a lot of a certain type of plant around here. Let's see if my memory is correct." I flipped through the book until I found the entry I was looking for. I smiled and turned it around so that the leader of the villagers could see the picture, "Recognize these?" His brows knitted in confusion, "Yes, but what does that plant have to do with anything?" I smiled, "Read the description."

His eyes bugged out as he read the description aloud, "Deadly Nightshade? Consume under no circumstances, lethal unpredictable hallu-cino-genic? What's that mean?" I smiled, "It means that you have a very useful plant for a shinobi. If you were to say, harvest it and sell it to Konoha, you'd probably make a lot of money for such a valuable poison."

I snapped the book closed and placed it back in its seal, "I'll send someone by to have a look and show you how to properly cultivate and harvest it. Keep growing your regular plants in coming years, but in coming years, you might consider keeping a small plot of these to sell to Konoha. A Leaf Shinobi specializing in such things will be along within a month to help you collect your first harvest. Cooperate and pay close attention to what they tell you to do with these plants." I turned my gaze to Naruto, "Naruto, can you send a clone back to the village and tell Lord Hokage to send a team out this way? Tell him I would recommend Genin Squad 10 and possibly Inoichi Yamanaka if possible. Inoichi's good with plants, and transport of a cargo of poison may constitute a C-Rank if there's enough of it." Naruto nodded, "Right!" Naruto puffed a clone into existence and sent it bolting for the village.

I smiled, "So, I'm going to ask you a question Mr. Farmer, and if you've any brains at all you'll answer correctly." The farmer gulped, "Yes sir?" "Are you ever going to return to banditry?" "N-no sir! Never!" I smiled, "Well good! I'm glad to hear it. Come along son, we should check on Yumiko and Hatsumei." Naruto grinned from ear to ear, "Right!" And off we went.

I noticed an unusually exuberant spring in Naruto's step and smiled, "Helping people feels good huh?" Naruto grinned, "Yeah it does dad!" I smiled, "I'm glad you can find joy in helping people Naruto." Naruto stumbled slightly and I looked at him in mild concern, "You alright?" Naruto looked at me with a sad confused look, "Well, earlier you called me "son", but just now you called me Naruto again." I smiled, "Is that all?" I reached over and hugged him, "Silly, of course you're my son, but you're so much more than that! You're Naruto! Your name encompasses everything you are my boy, and you are so much more than just my son. You have your mother's blood too you know, and beyond that you are the guardian of Konoha and keeper of its greatest power! You are my son and you are Naruto, never let either of those names bring you sadness ok?"

Naruto blinked and then smiled and hugged me, "Right!" I grinned, "Alright then! Now let's go check on Yumiko and Hatsumei!" Off we went again and then Naruto asked, "Hey dad, can you tell me about mom?" I looked up at the sky, "Yes, I can do that. Tell me son, how much do you know about my team, the Sannin?" "It's, you and two others right? And you trained under Lord Third?" I nodded, "Yes, that's right. It was me, my twin brother Orochimaru, and Tsunade. Orochimaru was my polar opposite in many ways. I'm burly, he's thin, I have a healthy complexion, his hide looks like chalk. My eyes are warm or so I've been told, and my hair is white and unruly. He has straight black hair and cold eyes like a snake. Orochimaru was always very serious, whereas I'm fun. He summons snakes and I summon toads. We balanced each other out very well. Then there was the third member of our team, Tsunade Senju."

I grimaced, "Tsunade was always the love of my life. I would've done anything for her. She never felt the same way though, and eventually she fell for a different man. They were engaged to be married when he died on a mission. Tsunade is, or I suppose _was_ , a medical nin, widely regarded as the world's finest. She wasn't able to save him and got covered in his blood trying. When his last breath went out of him, something in Tsunade snapped. She's never again been able to stand the sight of blood. Even little paper cuts can send her into a total breakdown if more than just a drop or two of blood comes out. She was always known for her strength; she could launch a grown man a full kilometer effortlessly, and when I saw her last she still had that phenomenal physical strength, but all her personal strength seemed as though it had died with Dan. She fell into a deep and terrible depression and unless something's changed in her absence, she's spent the last thirty years drinking and gambling what's left of her life and family's fortune away."

We walked in silence for a moment and then Naruto asked, "So if you haven't seen her in thirty years, how did I get here?" I smiled, "Because Naruto, the part of the paternity test that really floored me wasn't that I'm your father. You're so much like me I'd have probably been more surprised if you weren't my son. What Tsunade had kept secret from me and I suppose Orochimaru and maybe everyone else too, is that she had been pregnant when Dan died."

Naruto's eyebrows went up in interest as I continued, "That child was a girl who grew up to be named Tsubaki, and she was everything her mother had been and more. She never had Tsunade's gift for medical jutsu, but the physical strength was there and she capitalized on it. She was able to match me in hand to hand combat at seventeen even though I was twice her age at the time, and on top of that she was a genius in the arts of stealth and poison. She was amazing at genjutsu as well and pestered me into teaching her fuinjutsu when she met me. She was very good at that as well."

I sighed with a smile, "She wound up working with me on a great many missions and was all set to take her mother's place as the most powerful kunoichi Konoha had ever turned out. A few months before the Nine Tailed Fox's rampage, she suddenly stopped going on missions with me, claimed she was taking some time off. She never told me she was pregnant, and she had always favored billowy form concealing clothes and a hood, she wanted people to see and appreciate her mind and skill, not her beauty, so even when I did see her I couldn't tell she had gained any weight under all those clothes. Given that I wasn't the only man who had loved her, she had gone on an infiltration mission and had to sleep with her target in order to get close, I guess she didn't want to worry me without cause. Then the Nine Tailed Fox went on its rampage and I never saw her again." I sighed, "Your mother was a beautiful and powerful kunoichi Naruto, you should be very proud of her. If she were alive today she'd be as proud of you as I am."

I made a quick hand sign and used Transformation jutsu to turn into her. I was an old pro, and I had known her very well, so I was able to quickly adopt her mannerisms. I smiled Tsubaki's smile at Naruto before returning to my own form. Naruto broke down into tears and I couldn't blame him. I just hugged him, "It's alright son, it's alright." By the time we reached the store house Yumiko and Hatsumei had already finished exterminating the rat problem across the entire village.

==Late The Next Day==

Yumiko folded her hands behind her head in a carefree manner, "So Sensei, where to now? We're not heading back to the village right now, or if we are then it's a route I don't know, so where are we going?" I smiled, "We're going to visit some old friends of mine. The Igawa Clan."

Hatsumei looked at me, " _The_ Igawa Clan?" Yumiko raised an eyebrow at him, "I'm guessing that's another one of those names I should know?" "The Igawa are some of the most truly mercenary shinobi out there, one of those clans that was never assimilated into any of the Hidden Villages," Hatsumei replied, "My father says they have eyes, ears and agents in every Hidden Village on this end of the continent, and my mother says he should keep his nose out of her side of the family's business." I smiled, "That's right, your mother was an Igawa wasn't she?"

Hatsumei nodded, "Not that I've ever met that side of the family. Mom insists that it would be unwise for her to bring outside shinobi to an Igawa stronghold, which makes me curious as to why on earth you'd be taking us to one." I laughed, "Oh we're not going to one of their secret fortresses, or maybe we are and I just don't know about it. No, we're going to the Igawa plantation. It's a hub for information trading and gathering, very well known in certain circles. It's also one of the best vineyards and restaurants in a dozen countries." I smiled wanly, "The brothel's pretty amazing too, which is about a third of the reason why we're going."

The whole team did double takes, "Excuse me?" Yumiko asked a little heatedly. I looked at her, "I've visited numerous times and if I have any children among the Igawa I want to know about it. I'm particularly worried that Asagi or Sakura might've had one and never told me about it. They're old friends and I've been with them more times than I can count off the top of my head." Yumiko huffed and let the objection drop. "So if that's a third of the reason," Hatsumei asked, clearly trying to take Yumiko's mind off the brothel thing, "Then what are the other two?"

"Number one, it's damn good eating. I wasn't kidding when I said it's some of the best food and drink in a dozen countries. The other reason is that I'm a regular customer of the Igawa, and a profitable resource for information that doesn't concern Konoha, so they treat me very well. Normal people wouldn't be able to get nearly as much from them as I do because I'm a very good friend of theirs. I've done a lot for them, so they do a lot for me. We're going to see if they have any information on the participants the other villages are sending to the Chunin Exams, and see about tracking down some old students of mine who I felt a strong urge to check up on the other day. Also I want to introduce you to them so that they'll know you in case you ever need to come to them for help."

Hatsumei nodded, "I see. How far is it to the plantation?" I crouched and bounced into the air for a look around. When I landed I replied, "About two hours. When we get close we'll have to hold hands. The plantation may be one of their least secret locations, but it's still largely invitation only. I can get through the seals and standard defenses unhindered because I've been invited in and my blood has been entered into the registry at the plantation. You three haven't, you're my guests, so we will have to get you signed into the registry before you leave or you'll never be able to find your way back to the plantation again. We should hurry, the barriers won't even let in those who are permitted to enter after dark. We'll spend the night there and probably head back in the morning."

==An Hour And A Half Later==

The brush got thick and thorny. The ground got rocky and uneven. The mist got thicker than my hair. All I could do was smile, "Take notes on location defense kids, very few do it as well as the Igawa. Stage one, the landscape. This entire area's designed to be inhospitable as hell. It's hard to see, hard to walk and hard to move around undetected. Anyone who didn't need to come through here wouldn't. Take a few moments as we go along to make note of everything here that is unpleasant."

About five minutes later I continued, "Stage two is the genjutsu that you should be feeling right about now. The whole area is cloaked in multiple genjutsu maintained by a seal network. It's top notch stuff that most people would never even begin to be able to execute. By the time I'm done, you will be in that small percentage that can, and I will show you ways to use such networks in ways that will make keeping people out of an area look like child's play. Please make note of that white owl which is actually a shinobi by name of Eisen Igawa who really needs to pay attention when I tell him that a white owl is exceedingly obvious as unnatural in Fire Country."

The owl looked decidedly ruffled as Naruto looked at it and I continued, "However it could be entirely possible that he wants us to notice him and not the…" "Fifteen other sentries circling us," Hatsumei finished. "Might be the trip wires, pitfalls, landmines and underground seals as well," Yumiko added, "Did you intentionally lead us into the very heart of the most heavily trapped area in a five kilometer radius?" "I did indeed," I replied, "Because as heavily trapped as it is, this is actually the visitors' entrance."

By now we had come to a complete stop and I directed my gaze to Eisen the owl, "I've come for a visit and business Eisen. These three are my students and the blonde is my son. We would like to seek shelter at the plantation for the evening if there is room for us." The white owl turned into a white haired man who bore a resemblance to Kakashi but without the mask, "I'm not sure we have room. I'll send someone to check, perhaps they'll make it back in time to-GAH!"

An exceptionally curvy figure had spun out of a space time jutsu and dropped an axe-kick right into Eisen's head, "Bull!" The kunoichi spun to the ground, landed on her feet and bowed, "Jiraiya-sama, welcome." I blinked slightly, long black hair, green eyes, incredible curves… I smiled "Asagi-chan? Is that you?" The kunoichi straightened and shook her head with a smile, "No, I'm Yuko. Asagi is my mother." I felt the team's eyes latch on to me and I smiled somewhat uncomfortably, "Ah. You are the spitting image of her." Yuko smiled, "Thank you Jiraiya-sama. Please follow me, our home is always open to you. Eisen's just cranky because he forgot to change his feathers."

Eisen picked himself up grumbling and Yuko led us through the remainder of the trap field, "It's actually very convenient that you showed up when you did Jiraiya-sama, I was actually about to be sent to find you and call you here to meet with some people who hired us to set up a meeting. They wouldn't give their names, but that man had the most interesting eyes." "They're not all bluish purple and ringed like a practice target are they?" I asked. Yuko laughed, "Oh no, nothing like that. They're red with black spots." I paled slightly, "Did he have a big blue guy with him?" "Nope," Yuko replied, "A small woman with hair like mine." "I see," I replied as I found myself quite flummoxed. There wasn't anyone in the Akatsuki like that…Itachi I was surprised to hear was there, because really who else would it be? Red eyes with black spots, she might as well have just said "Sharingan". The question was though, why would Itachi hire the Igawa to come find me? The identity of this mystery woman bothered me too, but I knew I'd find out soon enough, so I changed the subject.

"Is your mother doing well?" I asked, "I haven't been by in a while." Yuko smiled over her shoulder at me, "She's doing very well Jiraiya-sama, and I know she'll be delighted to see you. Aunty Sakura and little cousin Lily will be excited too." "How old is "little"?" I asked, frantically trying to think of the last eight or more month gap between my visits to the plantation. Yuko thought for a moment, "Mmm…I believe she's thirteen now." I think the spikes of my hair wilted a little, _Crap, I can't remember the dates of my visits that far back…and Yuko's got to be at least sixteen, just the right age to have been conceived not long after I met Asagi…Might as well brace myself to add two more to the list…Definitely have to check with Asagi and Sakura…Better make sure Naruto doesn't flirt with his own sister by mistake…_

A few minutes later we topped a hill and the Plantation came into view. The Plantation is not what you might normally think of when you think of a plantation. Instead of kilometers of crops, the Igawa Plantation is built in terraces up the side of a very large hill with a steep cliff dropping off into a massive lake behind the immense manor at the top of the hill. It was exceptionally beautiful, especially right now with the sunset behind it.

From a defensive standpoint, it was even better. The only access to the manor without scaling the cliff was up the terraced side of the hill, which would be an utter nightmare to assault. Every terrace was a sheer vertical climb of nearly five meters, and even though a shinobi could jump that, there would almost certainly be defenders ready to shove them right back off the instant they landed. There weren't stairs, just a long ramp with landings just above the elevation of each terrace so that the entire thing could become a deadly flooding system at a moment's notice. Any invaders could find the terrace they were standing on swamped in water or burning oil in a matter of minutes. I smiled, _an excellent case study of location defense indeed._

==Later==

After getting the team signed into the registry and formally introducing them to some of the Igawa I was friendly with, we were all fed and given our guest room numbers. I headed to my room. To call the Igawa Plantation's manor a mere manor is something of an understatement. It's a veritable palace, a sort of resort for all the shinobi world's wheelers and dealers who are allowed access, and one of the few truly neutral areas where people can meet and chat regardless of national or village allegiances.

My room was large with massive windows and a terrace that had a fantastic view of the lake, a couple of paintings, a bottle of what I knew would be the finest wine waiting in a bucket of ice by the near absurdly enormous bed, and furniture and footboards made of finely polished cherry. I could see through a door to the right that I even had my own private bath and if memory served right, a hot tub big enough for ten plus me. Very expensive, bordering on obscenely expensive in fact, but that was how I liked it. There was no need for going without when I didn't have to. The life of a shinobi was hard and I liked to enjoy myself and relax when I got the chance. I smiled and shrugged off my clothes before heading for the bed. Just as I was about to climb into the massive four poster, a pair of strong but soft hands reached out and yanked me through the curtains and into the bed.

I found myself suddenly smothered in breasts as Asagi and Sakura hugged me squealing with delight, "JIRAIYAAA!" I smiled and hugged them back, "'Sagi-chan, 'Kura-chan! I've missed you!" They eased their grip a little and let me up for air. Not for long though, they quickly took turns kissing me and driving any thoughts I might have had right out of my head. A few moments later I was able to get a good look at them and oh what a mouthwatering look it was! A ravenette and a sunny blonde, both gorgeous and well endowed, both loving and sweet and brilliant. It was the sort of thing I could never have resisted. My eyes danced with delight as I took in their lingerie, "Oh, those are new!" There were no rational thoughts for the next hour. Not a single one. Just love and lust and the most intense of ecstasies preceding exhaustion rivaling a full on battle of comparative duration.

I sighed contentedly as I lay on my back with Asagi's head on my left shoulder and Sakura on my right. Then I remembered what I had wanted to ask them. I debated whether or not to ask, but I decided it was better to go ahead and get it over with. "'Sagi-chan, 'Kura-chan," I said quietly. They both stirred slightly and then looked up at me with their beautiful deep green eyes in unison, "Hmm?"

I smiled, "I recently found out that I'm a father. The boy with me, Naruto. Do you remember Tsubaki-chan?" They nodded. "You and Tsubaki?" Asagi asked. I nodded, "Yes, I have a fair idea of when it happened. He was mislaid the night of the Kyuubi's rampage, and I've only just found him. It got me wondering. Now I've met Yuko-chan, and she looks so much like you 'Sagi-chan, and she looks like she's the right age to have been conceived not long after we met. Yuko-chan tells me you have a daughter too 'Kura-chan, Lily. I need to know, are they mine?" Asagi and Sakura smiled dazzling smiles at me and replied in unison, "Yep!"

It was a good thing I was already laying down. I had been expecting it, but that kind of news still hits me in the head like a mallet. A really really _big_ mallet. "Any reason you didn't tell me?" I asked, "Or was it just my incredible love making driving it from your minds every time we were together?" "You never asked," 'Kura-chan clarified with a cheeky grin.

"Honestly they didn't either," Asagi said quietly, "They know what some of the missions we've taken entail. Yuko in particular, she knows the story of how we met. I don't think she wants to consider the possibility that she could be anyone other than yours, given what the circumstances would've been. She's never come right out and said so, but she always pays extra attention whenever I mention you, and she took up seals when she found out you're a seal master." She smiled, "She's very good at them. Did she use her space bending seal in front of you? She's very proud of it."

I smiled as I looked up at the ceiling, "So she did that with a seal? She has every right to be proud of herself. The last person I know of who made a seal like that was Minato, and he had the work of the Second Hokage to go off of. Did Yuko-chan figure it out all by herself?" Asagi nodded, "It took her nearly a year, but she did it. I was so proud of her." I smiled, "I am too. I'll have to stick around a few days to get to know her. Lily too. Speaking of, 'Kura-chan, what's little Lily-chan like?"

'Kura smiled, "Don't call her little to her face lover, she's very sensitive about her size." I looked down at her, "Why?" "Weeell…" Sakura said with a slightly abashed smile, "She hasn't picked up the ah," she rubbed her breasts on my chest, (I swear Tsunade must've had some Igawa in her because I've never seen such prodigious "assets" anywhere else; 'Kura-chan in particular was blessed in that department), "Family blessing yet. She's thirteen and it looks like she's going to be a late bloomer. Her skills are exceptional, especially her fire release, but it bothers her that the other girls her age are filling out and she's not to any significant degree. I told her I was a late bloomer too and that made her feel a little better, but it's still a bit of a sore spot with her."

"She's sharp-tongued and short-tempered and proud, but at the same time she's a lot of bluster and false bravado," Sakura continued with a smile, "She's actually very quiet and gentle when she's around those she trusts and cares about, but she's such a little tsundere." I chuckled, "She sounds like Tsunade." Sakura smacked my chest gently, "Don't say such mean things about our daughter!" I looked at her in confusion, "Eh?"

Sakura laid her head on my chest, "Jiraiya, I know you hold Tsunade in the highest regard because she was your teammate, but when's the last time you saw her?" I thought for a moment, slightly troubled, "It's been over twenty years." Sakura didn't meet my gaze, "I met her five years ago. Poor Shizune-chan, having to keep up with that, that, kami I don't want to call her a cow because I'd spend the rest of my life apologizing to cows for the insult." "Has she really gotten that bad?" I asked quietly. "That bad and worse," 'Kura-chan replied quietly, "I've met some really foul people in my life, but her…" she shuddered, "She's almost as bad as that bitch Oboro."

I twitched, that was bad. Oboro had been sadistic and vile enough that canon Orochimaru would've been hard pressed to hold a candle to her. For 'Kura-chan to make that comparison was… there just aren't enough words to describe how awful the things that said about Tsunade were. "She's horrible, the things she gambles on…that place you saved us from, I think she was in the crowd." I jumped, that was an extremely serious accusation. 'Kura-chan continued quietly, "I tailed her for a while about five years ago when we were contracted to locate Orochimaru. We thought she might know where he was. The things she was laughing about while she was drunk…" 'Kura-chan shook quietly, "I nearly blew my cover to kill her. I had to hand off the job to someone else after that, I couldn't stand it anymore." I hugged her a little more tightly, she was shaking constantly now.

"She looked right at me Jiraiya, she looked right at me and asked Shizune if I was 'that girl she had bet on in that fight'. 'That girl she had bet on in that fight,' Jiraiya, she was betting on me to kill 'Sagi-chan! She was there, I know it! How can you respect her?! She's a monster!" 'Kura-chan sobbed. I hugged her as tightly as I could and buried my face in her hair.

There was no doubt I thought, if Tsunade had really said that. 'Kura-chan was a kunoichi of the Igawa, and they prided themselves on their stealth and infiltration abilities. 'Kura-chan would never have participated in a fight that could have spectators, and even the Igawa couldn't hide their identity from the likes of Tsunade. Even drunk, S-Rank shinobi are borderline impossible to fool. Usually nothing less than a physical transformation is sufficient, and Tsunade's a sensor and medic. The only thing that would make her harder to hide from would be if she had the Byakugan, and in all the time I'd known her, she'd never forgotten a face.

"I can't," I said quietly, "If she really was there, taking pleasure from that horrible place and helping fund them with her ill-conceived bets, I'll kill her. I thought I had gotten every patron of that horrid place, but she could've gotten away without me noticing. She always was good at covering her tracks. She won't be able to hide from me though," I swore darkly, "If I have to upend the entire continent, hell the entire _world_ , I'm going to find her and make her pay for it if she helped hurt you two."

It was then that a realization struck me. I'd been claiming to love Tsunade for forty years, but I couldn't remember the last time I'd actually meant it. She had certainly never loved me! Strung me along sure, given me the occasional peck on the cheek when she wanted me to do something or distract me, but actual love? No that had been an entirely one way street! Which brought me to the question, why keep pretending to love someone who was never going to love me back? I smiled as I kissed 'Kura-chan on top of the head, "I love you 'Kura-chan." Then I kissed 'Sagi-chan on the lips, "You too 'Sagi-chan." And I meant it too!

==The Next Day==

I sat down at the table across from the two who had arranged with the Igawa to meet me. They were both wearing masks that covered the lower halves of their faces and hoods. When they revealed their faces, I was even more floored than when I'd found out Naruto was my son, "Shisui and Mikoto Uchiha?! You're alive?!"

"Yes, no and yes," the girl who looked exactly like Mikoto replied, "My name is Izana. Mikoto was my mother." "Jiraiya-sama," Shisui said as he sat forward, "We have a very serious problem."


	6. Chapter 6: Nukemura

Chapter 6 – Nukemura

"I'll say we do," I replied, "I'm Konoha's spy master, why was I not told of you going deep cover to wherever the hell you've been?!" "Because I have _not_ been in deep cover," Shisui replied, "I was very dead." I studied his eyes for the telltale black sclera of the Edo-Tensei, "You're an Edo-Tensei?" Shisui shook his head, "No. I have been truly resurrected." I stared, "By who? Only the Rinnegan can do that." "And it costs the life of whoever does the resurrecting," Shisui finished, "Or at least it's supposed to. Have you ever heard of Nukemura Jiraiya-sama?"

I sat back thinking hard, "The Village of the Missing? I thought it was just a myth." Shisui nodded, "As did I, until one of its strongest generals resurrected me." I sat forward, "Go on." "His name is Mimasu Subete, he is the grandson of Waterfall's head shinobi, the immortal Kakuzu, and on the other side Madara Uchiha, but Mimasu is far worse. He has used his Earth Grudge Fear to obtain multiple dojutsu, including the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan and Rinnegan." I let out a worried breath as it clicked, "He's using the multiple hearts Earth Grudge Fear lets him steal to power the Rinnegan's resurrection ability with impunity?"

Shisui nodded, "He's amassed an army of the strongest nukenin, ronin and other assorted villains the world has ever seen. On top of that, he's begun resurrecting even loyal shinobi like me and using our DNA to create clones of us that answer to Nukemura." "That's how I got here," Izana added. I looked at her, "You're a clone of Itachi?" Izana nodded, "One of three. Nukemura planned to use us for breeding stock or soldiers, whichever was more needed, until Shisui got me out. My sisters died in the escape," she added quietly, "I'll kill Kyokan for that."

I frowned, "Who?" "Many of Nukemura's strongest are not actually missing nin as they were born there in Nukemura," Shisui explained, "They're the result of all of history's strongest rogues gathering and siring children in one place where only the strongest could reach. Kyokan Nikuya is one of them, he uses Magnet Release to control his targets' armor, weapons and even their blood. Had I not teleported away with Izana using my Kamui, he would've killed us too." "He got Tania anyway," Izana said bitterly, "That was _NOT_ worth an Eternal Mangekyo." She covered her eyes and shook quietly as tears began to flow, "I'll kill him! My sisters were all I had! I know Itachi has a brother but I've never met either of them! My family is gone!"

Shisui wrapped an arm around her and made some small comforting noises. I folded my hands in front of my face and exhaled slowly, trying to let the shock and horror dissipate. "Shisui," I said quietly, "Who are their generals? What are their numbers?" Shisui looked over at me, "Nukemura is as large as any of the Five Major Villages, their average soldier is Jonin level by Konoha standards. Their Generals are each at least Kage level, and even though I never met or saw their leader, for him to control such monsters as his generals, he must be a monster among monsters. I heard rumors that he had equals who he shared command with, but for there to be more than one person that strong is just…" he shook his head, "I can't even fathom it. For a virtual immortal who can resurrect the dead on a whim to bow their head and call him a god with awe in his voice…"

"What do we know?" I asked tensely. "There are at least three of Mimasu and Kyokan's caliber among Nukemura's ranks," Izana said softly, "The two of them and their friend Hageshi Raiju. Hageshi and Kyokan are Mimasu's former students. Hageshi's second in command Fubuki Shimo isn't quite as strong as those three, but she could fight evenly with me. There are more besides those three, but I never saw them. I don't know how strong those three are considered among the generals of Nukemura, but I overheard them speaking of five women called the "Go Tenshi no Yami" that apparently serve the master of Nukemura directly. They're supposedly indestructible and share in their master's power. Mimasu, Kyokan and Hageshi were absolutely slobbering at the mere thought of them, talking about how much they wanted to make clones of them. Given how little they respect those less powerful than them, I can't imagine they would act like that over anyone weaker than them. Mimasu was particularly smitten with one that I think he said could control and become sand, and Fubuki was miffed about one being a stronger Ice user than her. That's at least nine kage or higher level fighters, not to mention all the people they've resurrected and cloned."

"I saw at least one advertisement for a clone of Lady Tsunade up for auction," Shisui said quietly, "Mimasu, Kyokan and Hageshi have made a business of selling and renting clones of famous and powerful shinobi, especially kunoichi, or just beautiful people in general, as servants in Nukemura. They brand them with compulsion seals on their hearts as they grow the clones so that they will be bound to the will of whoever buys them. I don't doubt for a moment that they've an army of kage level fighters bound in such a way."

I put my head in my hands and exhaled long and slow, "Any idea what their goals are? Let me guess, world domination? Annihilation of the shinobi system? Monopolization of the shinobi market?" Izana cleared her throat, "Actually, none and possibly all of the above. I asked Mimasu one night, pervy insatiable bastard," she added irritably, "He said that he and Kyokan were planning to conquer the Land of Earth and Hageshi wants to take over Hidden Cloud, but every one of Nukemura's generals has their own agenda and there's a lot of in-fighting even with their leader in charge. I think the only reason Nukemura hasn't long since dissolved is because there's nowhere else for them to go. I know Mimasu, Kyokan and Hageshi seemed to hold a lot of the other generals in utter contempt. They had particular contempt for one they called "that damn Enryu" but they always had this wary respect in their voices when they mentioned him and I think I heard something about him having a sister that Mimasu had the hots for."

Alarm bells went off in my head, "Enryu?" I asked, "Did you ever hear any description of them?" "I got a glimpse of him once," Izana replied, "I didn't get much of a look, I was dancing and supposed to be keeping an eye out for assassins, but Mimasu pointed out a guy with white hair and why did you do that?" The table jumped slightly as I banged my head into it and swore.

"How old did he look?" I asked quietly. "About my physical age, which is about twenty," she replied, "Why? Do you know him?" "I have a sneaking suspicion that I may be his father," I grumbled, "I slept with a woman named Enryu just over twenty years ago. She was a bounty hunter and one of the best courtesans in Hidden Waterfall. We were both after the same bounty and after a simultaneous kill strike on the target she offered me a night with her if I'd let her have the bounty. Like I said, she had a reputation as the best in the city, so I took her up on it. I didn't give her a single opening in case she wanted _my_ bounty, but now I think she may have been after a different sort of bounty if you catch my drift." "That explains why Hageshi always called him an arrogant son of a whore…" Izana sighed as I picked my head up, "Great. So he's probably at least S-Rank, and his sister probably is too. That's a dozen high S-Rank enemies confirmed, not including whatever utterly ridiculous army they've resurrected."

Before I could reply, there was a thunderous cracking sound. I snapped upright as alarms started going off, "The hell?! That was one of the perimeter barrier seals!" Yuko-chan materialized, "No Jiraiya-sama, that was _all_ the perimeter barrier seals at once. We're evacuating everybody." Izana and Shisui paled, "It's them."

I snapped back around to look at them, "Nukemura?!" Izana started trembling, "He came in person?!" "Our compulsion seals let us know when we're close to the person they're programmed to," Shisui explained quickly, "The only reason they can't control us properly is because I overpowered them with the Kotoamatsukami. Izana's is keyed to Mimasu. If he's here then this position is lost, we have to get out of here!"

Before anyone could move or reply, a massive blade of wind chakra carved the building, and the hill under it, in half. We all sprang back and away, and before I could do anything, Yuko-chan had caught a hold of me and teleported us away with her space bending seal. Before I knew what had happened, I was on the outskirts of Konoha, with my team, Sagi-chan, Kura-chan, and a little girl about Naruto's age who couldn't have been anyone other than mine and Kura-chan's daughter Lily. Yuko-chan disappeared even as I was landing and reappeared with Izana before disappearing and reappearing once more with Shisui. She was pale and sweating as she landed with Shisui and I caught onto her just as she teleported away again, "Wait!"

We landed back at the plantation and found it had been enclosed in a massive tornado, very little of the building was still standing, and there was no gravity. Even as we landed, we began to float, and then we realized with horror what was happening: A hailstorm of wind blades was shredding everything that was being held in the air by the lack of gravity. My eyes widened in horror and I tried to Body Flicker us away, only to discover to my horror that the wall of the cyclone was lined with chakra that couldn't be Body Flickered through and left me with dozens of deep gashes for the effort.

I roared in pain and Body Flickered to the ground instead, using Headhunter jutsu to burrow down and away as fast as I could, my now unconscious daughter in my arms. We popped up a mile away, and as I pulled us from the ground a voice said calmly, "Ah Jiraiya of the Sannin, how pleasant to make your acquaintance."

I paled and turned slowly to see a man in a long black overcoat with the scabbard of a katana in his left hand and his right arm almost invisible with sheer speed as it moved through a hurricane of slashes. The man was blindfolded, but there was no doubt in my mind that he could still see us just fine as he continued, "My name is Mimasu Subete. I bear you no ill will, but I have been ordered to suppress a certain tidbit of information that was about to be leaked."

His blade stilled and he turned as though to look at me through his blindfold, "You wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?" With the remains of one of the most secure fortifications in the country falling out of the air behind him in tattered ruins, destroyed in what couldn't have been more than a minute, all I could do was pray that he was tired or feeling merciful. Then the ground shook as a massive roar split the air.

Mimasu turned and we both watched as a massive ape like creature covered in lava erupted from the wreckage of the plantation. My only thought was _Oh thank god Roshi was visiting today…_ Normally I am not that fond of Hidden Stone's spymaster, but we do have a respectful rivalry. "Frenemies" I believe is the term for our relationship. Seeing him now made me utterly ecstatic. Roshi was a Jinchuriki, every bit as wily and intelligent as I am (even though I would never tell him that), and a master with his Lava Release. He was one of the handful of the shinobi on the continent who I wasn't honestly sure I could beat even with sufficient time to plan. I suddenly felt confident, surely nobody could stand against me _and_ Roshi! That was like putting somebody up against any two of me, Tsunade and Orochimaru!

Then Mimasu raised his hand, "Almighty Push." He flicked his finger and a wall of force blew away everything between him and Roshi before smacking Roshi's giant form backwards off the hill top like a massive hand batting away a mosquito. My confidence evaporated, _nothing_ was supposed to be able to smack Roshi's beast form around like that! There was no longer even the slightest doubt in my mind, Mimasu had the Rinnegan. It hadn't necessarily been that before, it could've been a perfected Edo-Tensei. Reviving the dead _and_ controlling gravity, with _that_ attack? There was no doubt. "You killed my students," I said quietly as my indignation flared.

Mimasu turned, "Hmm? I'm sorry, I've killed a lot of people. What did they look like?" "The one you stole the Rinnegan from and his two friends! Those were my students!" I barked as I rose to my feet, quaking with rage, _I could've saved them!_ "Ah, those three," Mimasu nodded, "Yes I remember them. And no, I only captured two of them. Old Hanzo executed the orange haired one, and I'm not sure what became of the cute little bluenette. I tried to get her for myself, but Hanzo told me to be satisfied with my payment and getting to take the red head's heart and eyes. I'm pretty sure the old salamander had a certain look in his eye when he saw her, but maybe I'm wrong."

At this point I was virtually apoplectic and every word out of this rotten bastard's mouth was riling me up more and more. Mimasu raised an eyebrow, "By the way, I have to ask, did you ever get with Tsunade? I heard you'd been chasing after her for forty years! She was a bit of a bitch," I almost blew up right then and there as he grinned lecherously, "but man did she rock in the sack!"

He continued grinning right up until Roshi's ten meter wide molten fist crashed down on top of him about two seconds later with enough force to make the ground jump. I grinned and yelled, "How ya doin' Roshi?!" "Friggin' pissed!" Roshi rumbled, "I was right in the middle of a threesome when this bastard butted in and tore the building down!" As I opened my mouth to reply, Mimasu called from under Roshi's molten fist, "As regrettable as that is…" BOOM

A massive light purple Susano'o erupted and dealt Roshi an uppercut that actually _launched_ him. I gaped as Mimasu's Susano'o finished pulling itself out of the ground and charged Roshi, drawing a pair of immense energy katana as it ran at a speed that utterly defied logic, physics and everything else that should govern how something that damn big should move. Before Roshi could even land, Mimasu had truncated him.

Roshi's Beast Form evaporated immediately and he was nothing but a couple of gory pieces falling to earth. I stared in horror and then Mimasu was right in front of me, his Susano'o disintegrating with his sheathed blade poised to be drawn and swiped through my neck, "Goodbye Jiraiya." Just as his blade flickered out in a draw slash, the world lurched around me and I was back in Konoha with my family, team, and a very large cut in my shoulder as a very sick, wet sounding cough alerted me to what had happened, "YUKO!"

==Half an Hour Later==

I was in the hospital pacing and periodically pulling my hair in worry as the medics fought to save the daughter I had just learned I had. Izana, Shisui, 'Sagi-chan and Kura-chan and Lily-chan and Naruto-kun were all there dealing with the stress in their own way. Sarutobi-Sensei strode up, looking deeply concerned.

Looking back, the sound of Konoha's barrier jutsu shattering and its walls shuddering was well timed. I needed something to vent my stress on. Izana's eyes bugged out, "It can't be…I knew he was fast but even for him…"

==Outside The Walls==

 **BOOM!** The mighty wall of Konoha crumbled as Mimasu's fist slammed into it with the full power of the Rinnegan behind it. "Thank you for the ride," Mimasu said over his shoulder as he released the chakra hardening his fist, "I will handle it from here Hageshi." Hageshi Raiju raised an eyebrow beneath his messy blonde hair, "You sure Sensei?" Mimasu smiled over his shoulder, "Of course. It should prove quite an entertaining work out. Worried about your old Sensei, Hageshi?" Hageshi shrugged, "Well ya know. The Rinnegan is kind of integral to our business and all. We won't be able to revive anymore shinobi if you die."

Mimasu smirked, "Oh don't worry Hageshi, your old Sensei is not going to die in such a sunny place as this. Now go on back, I'll plug the leak and be back before you know it. Tell Kyokan to have me a fresh Izana and mmm…get a Tsunade or two ready. I'm going to need to sleep after all this. I'll need my favorite pillows." Hageshi chuckled, "Old pervert. Alright I'll tell him. Don't take too long, we've got another auction tomorrow night." Mimasu smiled and drew his sword, "I'll be there. Now then, didn't I tell you to go?" Hageshi smiled, "I'm gone." And then he was.

Mimasu smiled and turned his attention to the city in panic before him, "Time to go make a mess. Almighty Push," He snapped his fingers and blew away a massive swath through the middle of Konoha. He strode forward and slashed his sword, "Wind Scythe jutsu." A dozen shinobi fell from the air as buildings began to collapse in the direction he had swung. He didn't even turn as he raised a hand and unleashed a massive column of fire that brought down three blocks in flames, "Searing Migraine!"

He moved his head as though he were looking around, "Hmm…Almighty Push." A massive bubble of force erupted out from him and blew everything back away from him. He frowned, "Not in this area." He disappeared in a flicker of speed down a rubble filled street, racing into the still standing parts of Konoha, leaving a trail of dismembered bodies in his wake. Shinobi, civilian, he didn't know and didn't care. All who stood before him fell in eruptions of blood.

Then he became aware of a green figure next to him just in time to catch a punch that came as fast as one of Mimasu's own. Mimasu skidded to a halt and clenched his fingers around the hand that had attempted to hit him before black tendrils erupted out of his forearm and wrapped around Might Guy's body. "Might Guy," Mimasu said with a grin as Guy struggled to break the grip of the tentacles binding him, "I hear you're quite a formidable taijutsu specialist."

Guy got a hand free and punched Mimasu to no effect. Mimasu grinned from beneath his black chakra coating, "I must say I'm unimpressed with your physical strength. My student Hageshi would summarily dismantle you. However your speed is worthy of note, so I will let you live. Just not unimpeded." Guy hadn't stopped throwing punches into Mimasu's face with his free hand and trying to kick the black clad swordsman's knees out, but as Mimasu grinned and crushed Guy's right arm with his tendrils, Guy's barrage stopped for a brief instant. Then a blade charged with lightning cut through Mimasu's arm, freeing Guy from the tendrils as they spasmed in surprise.

Mimasu turned on his new assailant with a grin, "Kakashi Hatake, your speed is also most impressive. Is that the legendary, knock it off you twit that hurts," Kakashi had stabbed him with his Chidori imbued kunai and Mimasu slammed the hilt of his sword into Kakashi's temple at a speed even Kakashi's Sharingan had a difficult time keeping up with. Mimasu tapped the blunt side of his sword on his shoulder impatiently as his arm reattached itself, "legendary Chidori I was saying and I think it is. I'm impressed that you actually managed to hurt me, that's not something many can say they've do-UHN!"

Jiraiya's Rasengan slammed into his hasty guard as Jiraiya dropped out of a Body Flicker and sent him flying down the street. Mimasu indignantly picked himself up out of the rubble of the building he'd been blown through, "What is it with you people and letting me finish a-" BOOM. A volley of explosive tags went off suspended in the air by his gravity powers twenty meters from him as the dozen ANBU who had thrown the exploding kunai landed in the street. "Be careful everyone!" Jiraiya called, "He took down a Jinchuriki in less than a minute earlier! He's easily as strong as Lord HokaGAH!"

" _Sentence_ you pest," Mimasu finished as he appeared and sent Jiraiya flying with a kick, "Almighty Push!" Another bubble of force sent all Leaf forces around him flying and blew away everything within a kilometer of him. Mimasu straightened his cloak irritably, "What a rude bunch. Grandfather was much more polite."

Jiraiya sprang back at him at the speed of the Body Flicker, a Rasen Arashi primed and ready to fire, only for Mimasu to punch him away again with a chakra hardened fist. "BASTARD!" Guy roared as he charged with the third Inner Gate open. Mimasu casually impaled him and ripped his sword through the side of Guy's chest, "I most certainly am not! My parents were married perfectly officially by a crooked priest who had been run out of the Land of Lightning for munching on the offerings at the local shrine and swapping blessings for money!"

Kakashi reappeared and attempted to run him through with a Chidori only for Mimasu to blast him away with the Almighty Push again. Mimasu scowled, "You people are really starting to irritate me. Jiraiya, you're dea…" He paused and appeared to stare through his blindfold as his face went slack, "Kami, who is that?" He disappeared in a blur and his blade clashed with that of Erza Scarlet atop the nearest rooftop.

Erza growled and actually managed to push Mimasu back, "I am Erza Scarlet of Konohagakure! Who are you and why are you attacking my village?!" Mimasu raised a hand to his nose, "My name is Mimasu Subete. I am a rogue samurai, and I am here because I was ordered to by divine command. You have very good manners, giving your own name before asking mine." Erza scowled and settled into her stance as she readied her blade to strike, "Thank you. Now please be so kind as to leave and stop killing my comrades before I have to cut you down."

Mimasu couldn't hide the blood leaking from his nose anymore, "I wish I could, but as I said, divine command says I have to kill my targets and anyone they've talked to. I'm not leaving until I'm beaten or finished. You can fight me if you wish to, but I have no wish to harm a beautiful woman such as yourself." Erza frowned and then a mischievous look entered her eye as she realized why his nose was bleeding before she shook it away, "No! I will not resort to such trickery! I have a warrior's pride!"

Mimasu's nose spurted even more blood. He seemed to look through his blindfold at the blood staining his hand and then he yelled, "WILL YOU STOP BEING SO DAMN SEXY FOR HALF A MINUTE AND GET ON WITH IT?!" Erza smiled, noting that Mimasu's nose spurted still more blood when she did so, "Very well then." She launched forward and her blade met with Mimasu's in a ringing clash that drove his feet halfway through the roof he was standing on. Mimasu grinned, "Excellent." He flicked her blade aside and went to strike only for a second, smaller sword to appear in Erza's hand to block his strike as she swung her primary blade at his exposed neck.

Mimasu twisted and managed to block her strike without releasing his defense against the second one. Then he smiled and brought his sword around in an overhead slash that spun Erza's swords away from him and allowed him to once again block both with only his one blade as she brought them back forward in a scissoring motion. "Your skill is very impressive," Mimasu stated, "Even my own students cannot compare to your kenjutsu. Who was your teacher? I wish to fight them one day."

"My master was Makarov Akimichi," Erza declared, "And in his name and that of Konoha, I will not lose!" Mimasu threw back his head and laughed, "You're kidding! Old Makarov?! I didn't know he was still alive! I remember fighting him in the Third War! Scared the crap out of me when he turned into a giant and squashed half the guys I was supposed to be supporting! I'm impressed Erza Scarlet! Very impressed! Now show me what the old coot's teaching looks like!"

He suddenly sprang back and then lunged. Erza slid sideways and attempted to slice him in three only for Mimasu to slide his sword between hers, twist and nearly disarm her as he rotated his sword and then slammed it against both of hers when her grip was weakened by her blades being jerked sideways. Erza narrowly managed to keep hold of her swords but she was forced back as Mimasu's blade nearly bisected her.

"It appears I cannot beat you with skill alone, Subete-san," Erza declared, "So it's time to get serious. _REQUIP!_ " There was a flash of bright light and those paying close attention would've noticed that Erza was for the briefest moment completely naked before her fresh armor materialized, "BLACK WING ARM- _AH!_ "

Mimasu didn't let her finish, instead opting to launch forward and strike with his sword, passing her in less than the blink of an eye. He staggered as he landed and half turned. Erza blinked in confusion as she saw that his entire front was covered with blood, then she realized he had cut and grabbed a lock of her hair on his way past. Mimasu sheathed his sword and held his sword hand to his nose, "My sincere apologies for interrupting you. I'm getting light headed from all this blood loss and I would provide greater insult by not being able to fight at one hundred percent. Congratulations Erza Scarlet, you are officially the most attractive woman I've ever met. Your village will not fall today. I bid you adieu, I will return when I am better able to entertain you!" He disappeared and Jiraiya frowned from next to Erza, "And people say _I'm_ a pervert."

Erza nodded grimly, "Eloquent though." She looked at Jiraiya, "I think he cut a lock of my hair, does it look okay?" Jiraiya blinked at her, "He did? He must've done a very skillful job, I can't spot where he took it from." Then another thought occurred to him and he facepalmed, "Oh kami…"

Erza frowned, "What?" Jiraiya looked at her between his fingers, "Mimasu and his friends have cloning technology, he can make another actual _you_. She won't have your memories or personality or skills, but biologically she'll likely be an exact copy of you." Erza paled, " _What?!_ " Then she remembered how much Mimasu's nose had been bleeding and turned as red as her hair, "Oh kami…"

==That Night, Nukemura==

"I am sorry my lords," Mimasu apologized as he knelt, "I was caught off guard and unable to fully contain the leak. If it please you I shall return to Konoha in the morning with my forces and we shall reduce the entire city to a smoldering graveyard." "No," declared one of the four shadowed figures that ruled Nukemura, causing Mimasu's multiple hearts to leap into his throat and pound like jackhammers.

"It was inevitable that our existence would be discovered," the shadowed figure continued, "However, now that word is out, we will have to make a suitable impression don't you think?" "Of course Byakko-sama!" Mimasu agreed quickly, "Just give the word and Konoha, no, all the Land of Fire will be laid to waste!" "That's not what I meant," Byakko said, "Although yes I think a certain element of destruction will be involved. Orochimaru."

The pale Sannin flinched, "Yes Lord Byakko?" "Your plan has been approved, proceed with preparations for your revenge, you have the support of the Yon Asura," Byakko declared. Orochimaru stared for a moment and then bowed deeply as a massive smile broke over his face, "Thank you Lord Byakko."


End file.
